


to all the people i've loved before (and the one who actually made me fall in love)

by natigail



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Bisexual Dan Howell, Communication, Demisexual Phil Lester, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Gen, Hot Tub, Inspired by To All The Boys I've Loved Before, Love Letters, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Sharing a Bed, Skiing, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:14:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 64,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25690396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natigail/pseuds/natigail
Summary: Phil doesn’t crush on people often, but when he does the emotions seem to overwhelm him. The only way he knows how to deal is to write love letters. They were never meant to be read.The most recent letter threatens to ruin his relationship with his big brother Martyn, so in a fit of panic, Phil finds himself turning to the boy who was the recipient of the very first love letter for help. Even if he is Dan Howell, the school heartthrob.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 109
Kudos: 129





	1. Cornelia's letter

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ThoughtaThought](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThoughtaThought/gifts).



> Thank you so much to ThoughtaThought, who not only bid on a fic from me at the phandomgives auction for Dan's birthday, but who also agreed to beta said fic. Thank you so much for your sharp corrections and kind words and for helping me make this fic the best it can be.
> 
> A note: I'm aware that DnP are gay in real life, but this is a fictional universe, and so, they have other queer sexualities for the purpose of this fic.
> 
> Warning: Surprise kissing

Phil had always been a little awkward. He had often felt like the odd one out. He said weird things when they popped into his head, which made it easy for him to make friends as a kid but teenagers had been far less understanding of it. They labelled him as immature and innocent. His constantly mismatched socks and tendency to daydream probably didn’t help him either.

But there was one person that Phil had always been able to depend on to understand him, even if he might also have teased him relentlessly. Martyn was a good big brother and while he could be an annoying pest at times, Phil also knew that he could always go to his brother for advice and support. Martyn had always been there for him.

Until he suddenly wasn’t anymore.

Phil was about to start Year 13 but Martyn was off to university, in Edinburgh of all places. It was way too far away for Phil’s liking. He wouldn’t just be able to knock on the wall and moments later hear his brother’s footfalls as he came into his room to check on him.

They had slept in bunk beds when they were younger and Phil knew that he must have pestered the heck out of Martyn but he longed for simpler times. It had been so easy and they had been the best of friends, with only a year and a half between them.

It really was a shame when their parents’ finally decided to renovate the old home office into a second bedroom and they got each their own. Phil had missed pestering his brother; hence the walk knock trend that had been developed.

Martyn would be moving hundreds of kilometres away and he wouldn’t hear it if Phil knocked on the wall. No one would come and check on him and good-naturedly listen to the ramblings of Phil’s busy mind like a good brother.

In the airport as Martyn was to board his flight, Phil felt something other than the loss of his brother’s close proximity. He felt guilty because he watched Cornelia and Martyn exchange a long embrace and Phil felt that crush on Cornelia that he had ignored emerge once more.

Martyn and Cornelia had been together for almost three years already but she had actually been Phil’s friend first, which made sense since they were in the same year. She had been a good friend to Phil and he had been happy when she had unofficially become part of the family.

So he was mad at himself for the envy crawling in his stomach now. He didn’t want to feel like that, he had tried to push it away because he was happy for Martyn and Cornelia but when he saw them together he just felt something clutch in his chest.

“You’ll look out for my little brother, right, Corn?” Martyn asked and finally stopped hugging Cornelia in favour of pulling Phil close.

They didn’t properly hug a lot any more. Phil wondered if Martyn thought he had become too cool for good hugs since he preferred the causal one armed bro hug thing that Phil absolutely hated. But right now, he didn’t try to distance himself from his younger brother and he wrapped him up in a good and firm hug that made Phil feel loved.

When Martyn let go and stepped back, Cornelia stepped in beside Phil and took his arm and even leaned her head against his shoulder.

“He’s in the best hands. I promise,” Cornelia vowed.

Phil felt guilty all over again but it wasn’t really his fault. Cornelia was one of the sweetest people he had ever met and she fit in so well with their family and now she wouldn’t be around as much, promises or not. Her and Martyn had decided to try long distance for the first year, hoping that they would last until Cornelia graduated and went to university as well.

As far as Phil knew, she hadn’t decided where yet.

Phil was scared of losing her and all the moments they shared. The two of them usually teamed up against Martyn during family game nights so he never won anything. Cornelia was an incredible singer and there was also a whole month where she had tried and failed teaching Phil to sing as well. Would that stop now?

He felt like he was losing two very important people to him in one sweep and he had to bite down on the emotions swelling in his chest.

“I’ll be back next month or something for a visit, as soon as I figure out my schedule,” Martyn promised. It was just the three of them. Martyn had explicitly forbidden their parents to come to the airport because he felt like they would make too big a scene, so Phil tried his best to hold himself together. Martyn didn’t want a scene and Phil would make himself behave like a reasonable, almost adult.

“Enjoy Scotland, Martyn. I’ll come see you in two weeks, yeah?” Cornelia said, voice full of hope and promise.

“Yes, I’ll see you,” Martyn said and leaned in to press a quick peck to her lips and Phil’s heart felt like it shattered.

He almost didn’t register it as Martyn squeezed his shoulder and told him to call him if he ever needed his big brother’s advice.

It was horrendous seeing him walk away with his huge suitcase. He was moving to another country. For four years. He would probably never come home and live in the family house again. This was the end of an era. Phil wasn’t sure he was ready to embark on a new one yet.

Cornelia, the sweetheart she was, saw Phil struggling and she pulled him along by the arm. “Let’s go find some ice cream or something, yeah?”

He simply nodded and he felt his affection grow a smidgen more for Cornelia.

She was so considerate of people’s feelings and she was so talented and mesmerising when she sang and played piano or when she curled up with Martyn on the sofa during film night. Phil wanted to be in his brother’s place. He wanted to be loved like that.

But he didn’t say anything. In a few days, sixth form would be back and things would go back to normal after the summer. Even if it didn’t feel like that with Martyn gone.

Cornelia spent the last of the summer practically camping out at the Lesters’. Phil wondered if she missed Martyn so much that she needed to be surrounded by memories of him. Another part of Phil wondered if she seemed determined to want to spend time with Phil because she actually liked him or if it was just because Martyn had instructed her to look after him.

Either way, Phil was unhappy with his attraction to her, so he did what he always did when he felt overwhelming emotions towards a person and he didn’t know how to deal with it.

He wrote her a letter.

It was a trend that had started accidentally when he had been fifteen and had his first kiss during a round of truth and dare. Afterwards, he had felt confused and conflicted about his feelings and he had written a letter. A letter that had never been sent; it just sat in an envelope with a name, unaddressed, next to three others like it.

The following years, whenever Phil had felt overwhelmed by his emotions he had sat down and poured them out onto paper and he had felt better afterwards. So he took to the old notebook with pages you could easily tear out and he wrote to Cornelia.

_Dear Cornelia Dahlgren,_

_I am sorry that I have to write this letter. It isn’t fair to Martyn at all but I didn’t do it on purpose._

_You are very special to me and you have been when we first met as kids and the past few years that you have become a common feature of the family._

_I love how you look when you smile. When you laugh, your laughter is naturally melodic, which isn’t surprising because your singing voice is beautiful. The way you lose yourself in music is captivating._

_You have always been so nice to me. You take my arm and lead me forward when I get distracted. You don’t judge me when I say whatever pops into my head or when I go off on a tangent._

_You’re patient, kind and loving. You make people feel happy just by being yourself._

_When I watch you with Martyn, I feel envious. I want to have that. To be able to be with someone who understands me and who doesn’t judge me for being who I am._

_You have been my friend for years._

_You are my brother’s girlfriend._

_But I want to hold your hand. I want to make you laugh and smile. I want you to still be here, even now that Martyn has left. I don’t want to lose you._

_I love you._

_Love, Phil Lester_

Phil felt much better after writing the letter. He found an envelope, wrote the name on the outside, using his rusty calligraphy skills to ease some of the tension out of his hand. The letter became stacked next to the four others that Phil had written through the last three years.

It was a small pile but each of the people addressed in the letters had been someone Phil had fallen in love with. It was people who had captured his attention and he had wanted to be closer to them. It didn’t happen often, not like when he heard his classmates call a new student or someone at the mall fit or hot. For Phil, it was rare and he couldn’t help but treasure the memories of when those emotions popped up, even if the person was unavailable to him.

He felt good going to sleep the night before school with the letter for Cornelia written and out of his system. Now he could move on.

The first day back at school was weird. Phil didn’t have many friends because people didn’t understand him but that was okay. His best friend Jack was at least still here. They had seen each other over the summer at least a couple of days a week, meeting up usually at Jack’s house to play video games. Jack had a huge gaming setup and he was known to stream on Twitch. He had gained quite the following over the summer, when he had time to play video games for hours on end. A few thousand subscribers sounded quite impressive, Phil thought.

Expectedly, Jack wasn’t excited to be back at school.

“Why are we doing this again?” Jack complained.

“Because education is important and we only have a year left?” Phil reasoned.

“A whole year? I bet you'll be jetting off to some fancy university like your brother, first chance you get,” Jack said with a snort.

“What did your parents do to get you to show up today?” Phil asked with a knowing grin.

“I couldn’t just be very excited to hang out with my best friend?” Jack asked and threw an arm over Phil’s shoulder and tugged him along down the hallway. Phil just raised his eyebrow. “Alright, they may have threatened to take away the WiFi.”

“I knew it,” Phil said and burst out laughing. Jack was nothing if not predictable. Phil had always liked that.

“What’s so funny, Lester?”

Phil froze and turned around to see Mark. He was tall and broad and on the school’s rugby team and Phil had always thought he looked slightly intimidating. He had moved to England from America a handful of years ago and become an instant favourite among their classmates. Phil had always been fascinated with American culture, so he had been excited when they had first been introduced but it hadn’t gone well. Mark had thought Phil was weird right out of the gate.

Jack and Mark had become instant friends a year before Phil had properly befriended Jack. The friendship had lasted until they had a big row that both of them refused to talk about and Jack had declared that he hated Mark now. Phil would have pried more but he was very happy to have found a best friend in Jack shortly after, so he had never pressed the issue.

According to Jack, Mark had used to be fun and nice until he got into rugby and became an asshole. Phil didn’t know if that was true but it wasn’t hard to believe. He knew at least one other student who acted differently after joining the team as well.

“Mind your own business, Marky,” Jack sneered.

“Shut your mouth, McLoughlin. You his bodyguard now?”

“Nah… just making sure he doesn’t get mixed up with you and your crew,” Jack said.

“Afraid he’d have too much fun and leave you in the dust as well? That’s sad. I’m sure I could show the virgin some moves,” Mark replied and actually winked.

Phil blanched and he was thankful Jack was stepping between them with a furious grimace. “Fuck off. Why don’t you run off and work out those sexual frustrations with Howell instead of pestering us?” 

“You're adorable. Are you two fucking yet?” Mark replied.

Jack just flipped him the bird with both hands and some of the students passing by saw it and started to slow down to see what was going on. Their little discussion was starting to attract attention, so Mark backed off.

“You just can’t take a joke,” Mark spat.

“Your face is a joke,” Jack retorted. Not one of his best but at least he was saying something as opposed to Phil, who had gone mute. He tended to do that in any situation that required confrontation.

When Mark left, Jack did check on Phil and pull him aside to one of the quiet classrooms.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine,” Phil said and adjusted the chuff on his shirt.

He hated that it took so little to rattle him. Mark had hardly said anything but it was just enough that Phil could feel the malicious intention coming off of him. He loved teasing and picking on Phil and he might claim that it was all in good fun but Phil didn’t like it one bit. He didn’t want to be berated for being different, even if Mark wasn’t saying anything that Phil hadn’t already thought about himself.

That was always the worst bit.

“Doesn’t it upset you?” Phil asked, as he gathered his breath.

“Which part?” Jack asked.

“That people think we’re… you know…” Phil mumbled. “Err… together?”

Jack just smiled, a full, reassuring grin. “No. You and I both know that I’m straight and we’re not together. But let him make rumours or whatever. I don’t care. Being called gay, directly or not, isn’t an insult.”

“It's not so much _that_ ,” Phil said and he felt like his ears were burning with embarrassment. He hadn’t meant it like that, at least not intentionally. At the same time, he could help but feel a surge of appreciation for his best friend. “Just that people would believe something that isn’t true.”

“I’ve stopped caring about what people think a long time ago, even more now that I subject myself to hate on the Internet from angry twelve year olds every other night. But seriously, if it’s bothering you, then I can try-”

“No,” Phil said, interrupting his best friend. “It would only make things worse. Ignoring it is the best way to go. It will go away.”

“You know that I love you no matter what, right? Whatever that douche face says," Jack said with a smile. "You’re an amazing friend, Phil. Now, we’re late for class, so let’s go.”

Phil nodded in agreement and they made it to their first class just in time. However, during the day, Phil couldn’t shake off Jack’s words.

Despite Phil’s fondness for love letters, he had never felt compelled to write one to Jack. He had just never seen him like that, despite a slight majority of his letters being addressed to boys. He had almost expected it to pop up at one point, since every time he got very close to someone it seemed a crush would creep up into his chest. 

And Phil hated being labelled, because he didn’t know where he fit on the spectrum of sexuality. Hell, he was still learning that there was a spectrum and not just being either straight or gay. He had brought speculation on himself a bit when he had gone to the school ball with Thomas last year and blatantly stated that he wasn’t straight but he still didn’t want to stick a label across his chest.

And for a matter of fact, gay didn’t fit. He almost wished that it had because at least that was something simple, straightforward, even if it still wasn’t the most accurate term.

For a while, he thought maybe bi would fit him, but then he watched rugby players like Mark and Dan boast about that label and then he wasn’t sure if that fit for him either. At least, he knew that he wasn’t like them. He could never talk about people like they did.

Phil didn’t end up paying much attention to anything during that first day, but it was mostly just a _welcome back, here’s your books and here’s the curriculum_ kind of day anyway.

Phil was still mulling over his thoughts when he had dinner with his parents later. It was a quiet affair. Martyn and Cornelia’s usual chairs were noticeably empty and Phil missed them so damn much. It was too soon for him to miss them like this.

It had been a bit overwhelming at first when Cornelia started to be over all the time, but by now Phil loved when she was here. She had brought a quiet sense and Martyn calmed down around her. He had turned down the sibling teasing in front of his girlfriend in an attempt to seem more mature.

Or maybe it was because Cornelia was so openly fond of Phil and she wouldn’t stand for him to be teased.

“Phil?”

“Huh?” Phil asked as he heard his name called and he looked across the table to meet his mother’s eye while he was still playing around with the food on his plate.

“I asked if you had a good first day, dear.”

“Oh, right. Yes. It was nice. We have a lot of stuff to cover this year. I have an English assignment due on Thursday already. Just a couple of letters showcasing different levels of formality,” he said, trying to think of anything to say that didn’t make him seem like the loser he felt like only being able to discuss school work. “It was good to see Jack again.”

“You saw him all summer, Phil,” his father said with a smile. “I do wish the two of you would hang out outside of that room and do something other than playing video games.”

“We love playing video games,” Phil said with a shrug and he went back to picking at his food. It had been what had bonded them originally and Phil still loved to play games with Jack, even if he hated that his friend could beat him in almost every single one. Except Mario Kart. Phil usually won that.

The following two days were more of the same: classes, talk to Jack, avoid the rugby team. On Wednesday, as Phil was heading out to the bikes, he ran into Cornelia and she asked if they should ride together the first bit of the way back to their houses.

Phil had hesitantly agreed. It felt weird not seeing her at his house every single day. Cornelia used to come over quite often and now that Martyn had left for university, she wasn’t anymore. It felt weird that it was just Phil and his parents. Phil had known it was bound to happen as soon as school started. She had other friends to hang out with. Martyn wasn’t there to pull her toward the Lester household anymore. Phil knew he wasn’t a pull like that. He had never been.

“I promised Martyn to say hello, by the way,” Cornelia said and pulled to a halt where they would have to head in opposite directions. “He’s gotten settled in nicely but he misses you.”

“I’m sure he misses you more,” Phil replied.

Cornelia shrugged, looking a little embarrassed behind her smile. “You’re very important to him, Phil. And… he says that you haven’t been replying to his messages. And as his girlfriend, I promised to tell you for him.”

“I’ll text him." Phil laughs. "Thanks, Cornelia.”

“Any time, pal,” she said with a smile before they parted ways.

Phil wasn’t sure if it was that interaction that had prompted it but that night, Phil woke up with a nightmare that Martyn somehow found the letter Phil wrote to Cornelia and he had been furious at Phil. In the dream, Martyn had disowned him. Phil wasn’t even sure that could happen between brothers. Wasn’t it reserved for parents? Either way, it definitely felt horrible. Guilt crawled across the back of his neck and it had kept him from going back to sleep. He stared at his ceiling as the sun rose and birds started to chirp outside of his window.

What had he been thinking, writing a letter to Cornelia?

It was one thing to write letters to his past crushes, but he had crossed the line with the letter to Cornelia. Coupled with all his confusing thoughts about sexuality and attraction he felt in the past few days, a spike of anxiety shot through his chest and Phil jumped up and went to his secret hideout, retrieving the stash of sealed envelopes. The letters were a bad idea. He shouldn’t have written them or he should have burned them afterwards at once when he had finished writing them. He was suddenly mortified by the possibility that any of the recipients might see the letters written to them.

Only three of the five letters were to people at school, including Cornelia’s, but it was enough to make him the laughing stock of the whole place if they ever got out. The cherry on top of the invitation to bully him was the fancy calligraphy, or at least his best attempt at it. Did he think he was a Victorian maiden or something? He felt shame burn hot; guilt settled in the pit of his stomach and spurred him into action.

Phil got dressed and brushed his teeth before he snuck down with the letters hidden behind his back, intending to fetch a lighter from the kitchen drawer and remove the letters from the world for good. He hadn’t expected to run into his father. He had not expected it to be so light outside of the window either. 

“Phil, I’m heading to a meeting near your school and if my watch is right, you’re running late. Get your butt in the car and I’ll give you a ride.”

“Err… okay,” Phil said while he panicked about the letters. He didn’t want to act suspicious, but he failed miserably. He stood awkwardly in front of his father with both arms behind his back, frozen by indecision once more.

“What have you got there?” his father asked.

For once, Phil thought fast on his feet and said the first thing that popped into his head. “Just some paper for recycling,” he lied and promptly dumped the five letters into the recycling bin next to the counter. “There! All done!”

“Okay,” his father said, eyeing him with moderate concern, “then grab your bag and let’s go, mister.”

Phil cast a longing glance towards the letters. It wouldn’t be as nice and symbolic as burning them but it was probably nicer that the paper could get recycled and have a second life. That was almost more poetic.

Unrequited love turning into something new or something like that.

Phil got into his dad's car. He hadn’t noticed the time, but he supposed that he might have turned off his alarm amidst all the tossing and turning he did this morning.

So far, the last year of school seemed a bit anticlimactic. It was just more of the same but Phil supposed that the rhythm was comforting if nothing else.

The looming threat of university wasn’t Phil’s favourite thing. He wasn’t ready to make that kind of commitment. It was almost a year away anyway. He didn’t have a dream school like Martyn. Phil didn’t know what he wanted to do. He didn’t even know what he wanted for lunch before he stood in line at the cafeteria.

When Phil came home from school, he checked the recycling bin in the hopes that he might get to burn the letters now and at least feel _something_. Screw poetic lines about a new life, he wanted to set some shit on fire. At least that would be something he could control. However, the bin was empty by the time he came home. His mother had probably emptied it. It had been quite full when he had dumped the letters in it this morning.

At least now, they couldn’t be causing any potential trouble. They were gone. Maybe, they should never have existed in the first place. It was a silly thing to write love letters and never send them.

Phil knew that none of his family members would have gone snooping in his room but it still had felt a little too dangerous to have them sitting in a corner, especially after that last addition to the collection. Phil could see his mother’s surprised face that Phil would write a love letter to his brother’s girlfriend. She’d be kind about it but her pity would kill him.

Phil wasn’t even sure why he had kept the letters for so long. That first one had been over three years old. It had started because Phil had experienced the flame of attraction for the first time in his life and the letters were all he could do to contain it. Phil had put all of them in sealed envelopes so he would never be tempted to open them. They were unrequited feelings that he wanted to put behind him. He could hardly recall what he had written in some of them.

Confused teenage ramblings and pointless pining for sure.

The people that his letters had been written to had all been special to Phil, but he had never had the guts to do anything about it. He never pursued any of them. He hadn’t even tried to talk to them more. 

Instead, he had poured his heart out onto paper. It was the safest way to go about it.

It was tough getting back into waking up early every day for class and Phil had to drag himself out of bed on Friday. He was happy that the weekend was so close. He could sleep in for as long as he would like tomorrow.

Unlike yesterday, when his father had caught him sneaking down with the letters, Phil managed to get up early enough to actually eat breakfast, even if it was just a couple of handfuls of dry cereal before running out of the door.

The sun was shining brightly and Phil felt like it was going to be a good day.

He couldn’t have been more mistaken.

Phil arrived at school with a couple of minutes to spare. He shared his first class with Jack, which was pleasant even if Jack had a tendency to distract Phil with his chatter.

It was around lunch that everything went wrong. The weather was nice, so Phil had suggested that he and Jack went to sit outside on the grass with their lunches instead of eating in the cafeteria. Jack whined a bit about it being too bright and not good for his pale and delicate skin.

To which Phil made them compare the colour of their arms and Jack admitted that Phil was indeed the paler one, so if he were okay to do it, then Jack would have to be as well.

The two of them were just sitting and chatting about the new Spider-Man game that had just come out on PlayStation when someone walked up to them.

When Phil joked that he didn’t have any friends other than Jack, he was exaggerating. He had a few people that he talked to in class and they were friendly towards each other, even if they weren’t proper friends. When Phil turned his head to see who was approaching him, he expected one of two things: one of his friendly classmates or one of Jack’s other friends.

He had not expected Daniel Howell, rugby player and Mark’s friend. Phil wasn’t sure if ‘friend’ covered it, actually, because it was widely known that the two of them were an on-and-off again thing.

Phil didn’t talk to Dan.

Not anymore anyway.

Dan’s family had moved to the area when he was just shy of fifteen and he joined Phil’s Year 8 class for the final month before summer holiday. They had gotten on well, and Phil might even say that they had been on their way to being good friends. Just before school let out, they had been at a birthday party that had shifted something between them. It had just been a game of truth or dare combined with spin the bottle, but it had been more than that.

Dan had been Phil’s first kiss.

It hadn’t been made out to be a big deal, just something that had happened in the silliness of the game but Phil hadn’t forgotten. He had wanted to talk to Dan about it but Dan had left for India with his family for the whole summer before they got a chance to talk. Things had been different when Dan came home and the school year started again. Dan had joined the rugby team and the sweet but shy kid Phil thought he had been getting to know slowly disappeared. They drifted apart. Dan outgrew Phil’s awkward weirdness before they had a chance to get close.

Eighteen-year-old Dan was another brand entirely. He was openly bisexual, which was cool when he came out, but Dan tended to reinforce the negative stereotypes. He openly slept around and lusted after any pretty face at school, even if just as many lusted after him. It was like Dan had lost all nuance and became your typical cocky jock with a reputation for sleeping around.

“Err… hi,” Dan said, rubbing the back of his neck and avoiding Phil’s gaze. 

Phil hadn’t _ever_ heard Dan sound nervous. Not since that game of truth or dare. Granted, Phil hadn’t been around Dan that much in the following years, but they had passed each other in the hall and Phil had seen a couple of Dan’s games. Dan usually radiated confidence out on the rugby field or carried himself with an easy smile when walking the halls. Now he was shifting on his feet and looking uncomfortable. 

“What’s up, Howell?” Jack asked casually and finished the last of his water bottle. “Did Marky send you? If so, you can tell him-”

“No,” Dan said dismissively and interrupted Jack. “I just need to talk to Phil about something.”

Jack looked from Dan to Phil with confusion but Phil just shrugged. He had no idea what Dan wanted to talk to him about. It wasn’t like they had personal conversations ever in the past three years. The way Dan was acting you’d think they were about to discuss state secrets.

“Alone,” Dan clarified, when Jack just kept looking at him expectantly.

“What does that mean?” Jack pried and Dan looked increasingly uncomfortable under his gaze. “I’m his best friend. Anything you want to say to him, you can say to me.”

“I don’t think Phil would appreciate that,” Dan mumbled and for the first time he looked up and caught Phil’s eyes.

He looked both sincere and serious.

“It’s okay, Jack. I’ll just be a minute,” Phil said and got up from his seat.

Jack grumbled a little but Phil just shot him a smile. He’d tell Jack what Dan said afterwards anyway, they both knew it. They didn’t have secrets, other than Phil’s love letters which was a secret Phil that kept from everyone. Dan had looked uncomfortable in front of the both of them and Phil never wanted to cause anyone discomfort if he could help it.

Phil started to walk away from Jack and the other clusters of people sitting around and having their lunch outside. When he determined that they were out of earshot from everyone, he turned around and faced Dan who had just been silently following him.

It wasn’t like Dan at all.

He was a loudmouth in and outside of class.

“Are you okay?” Phil asked, suddenly worried that something was wrong with Dan. But it didn’t make sense for Dan to come seek out Phil when they hadn’t properly talked for three years.

Dan let out a dry laugh. He sounded exasperated, amused and embarrassed all rolled into one.

“I’m fine. I just don’t know how to go about doing this. It’s… awkward. You know that, right?”

Phil blinked a couple of times. He had no clue what Dan was talking about.

“What is?”

“What you said,” Dan clarified, scratching the back of his neck and avoiding eye contact, but it didn’t clarify anything to Phil at all.

Phil tried to scan his brain for the last time he had talked to Dan but it must have been some time in the spring where they had been partnered up for an exercise in class or something. Surely, Dan wouldn’t mean something so insignificant and so long ago? Why approach him all of a sudden about anything from the past?

“I’m confused.”

Dan let out a frustrated huff and he scratched the back of his head now.

“The letter, Phil.”

“What let-” Phil started to say but then his brain felt like it short-circuited.

No…

No.

No, no, no!

Dan could only be talking about one letter. It had to be that letter but how?

It had to be that damn love letter, but that didn’t make any sense. 

Dan was frowning at him now and he reached around to dig out something of his pocket. He showed Phil the letter, yellowed slightly with age but still very much real and tangible. In Dan’s hand. Opened. Dan was holding it. Dan was holding the letter that Phil had written three years ago.

How could he have gotten that? Phil had thrown it into the recycling. It couldn’t just have magically appeared at Dan’s house or something. Phil had only written his name on the envelope. He had never even put an address for heaven’s sake!

Did it somehow magically teleport?

That was stuff out of anime or something. It didn’t happen in real life. Phil looked at the letter again.

HOW?!

Phil’s head was spinning and he felt increasingly unwell with each passing second.

This couldn’t be happening. That letter had never been meant to reach Dan. Phil had been a confused fifteen-year-old kid who just had his first kiss when he wrote that! It should never have…

Wait.

If Dan had gotten his letter, then…

Oh, no. No.

It couldn’t be…

Did that mean…?

“Let me see that,” Phil said and tried to reach out to grab the letter but Dan had fast reflexes and he was pulling it back and out of reach immediately. It was probably more out of instinct than anything else. Phil moved to try to grab it and Dan shot out a hand to catch Phil’s chest and hold him at a distance. He kept him away from the letter that Dan now moved behind his back, almost protectively. His other hand held firm against Phil’s chest.

“Hold on, Phil, you don’t look-”

“Phil!”

At the shout of his name by a very familiar female voice, Phil’s head snapped in that direction. Cornelia was walking towards him and Dan. Phil felt panic rise in his whole body and he knew Dan must be able to feel how his heart was racing from the contact with his palm on Phil’s chest.

This couldn’t be happening. _How_ had the letters gotten out?

Did he have some magic tooth fairy stealing letters instead of teeth or something?

Phil felt the guilt and panic mix in together because Cornelia was looking confused as she approached and she had something in her hand too.

It had to be his letter.

Or rather her letter, since he had written it for her.

She was never supposed to read it! None of them were!

However, when she noticed how close him and Dan were standing, even if their position was a little odd with Phil trying to reach out for the hand that Dan had hidden behind his back.

The hesitance in her eyes was enough for Phil to think of an idea.

It wasn’t a good idea.

Not by a long shot.

Just like it hadn’t been a good idea to throw the letters into the recycling bin in a panic.

But it was literally the only thing on Phil’s mind at the moment.

Instead of trying to grab the letter that Dan was holding with his left hand, Phil let both of his hands reach out and he caught the sides of Dan’s shirt. The pressure on Phil’s chest slackened as Dan lowered his hand in surprise at Phil’s sudden shift.

Phil didn’t think when he pulled Dan closer and then pressed his lips to Dan’s.

It was nothing like their first kiss.

Their first kiss had been timid and lasted about one second before they had broken apart and Phil had been proud. His first kiss. It had felt like a milestone ticked off.

Now, Phil was surging forward, pulling Dan closer. Instead of closing his eyes with timid nerves, a light flutter, he was now shutting his eyes tightly as he willed the rest of the world around them to disappear.

He felt a bit like an ostrich sticking its head into the sand.

Dan’s mouth had fallen open in surprise as Phil had approached and pulled him closer and at first, Dan didn’t move at all. Then Phil felt Dan’s hands rest lightly at the small of his back. Phil started to come back to himself and pulled away, because he realised this was truly a terrible avoidance strategy. He was probably just imagining that Dan was chasing after his lips just a little.

He held onto Dan’s shirt with both hands, cause honestly he felt a bit lightheaded. He didn’t dare to move away from the close proximity to Dan. It felt like a safety bubble that would protect him. He wasn’t even sure he could have pulled back with how Dan’s arms had moved around his waist. He carefully opened his eyes and he realised just how close they were standing and how much he could see of Dan’s face.

It was all he could see, in fact. Dan’s beautiful brown eyes were moving across Phil’s face, searching for something while his eyebrows were pulled together in confusion. Phil wasn’t sure when he had last been this close to someone’s face and he knew he should be pulling back but he was captivated by Dan’s eyes and how had he never noticed just how many freckles Dan had?

Phil felt himself breathing all too fast and his heart was hamming and it was only when he managed to calm down a little that he dared to look sideways to where Cornelia had been standing.

He breathed a huge sigh of relief when he couldn’t see her anywhere. She had probably turned around and decided that now wasn’t a time to bother him. His terrible strategy had bought him a moment of peace. A moment to try to wrap his head around this monumental fuck up.

“Err… what just…” Dan started mumbling and he looked very confused.

Phil knew he should apologise to Dan. It was not okay to kiss people without their consent. Not at all. But Phil’s head was all over the place and he could only think about getting out of here immediately.

“Yeah, great. Okay, lunch is over now. Bye!” Phil said, panicked, and let go of Dan, running over to pick up his bag. Jack wasn’t sitting with their bags anymore but Phil saw him approach it from another direction with his water bottle.

“What’s the rush?” Jack asked. “And why is Howell staring at you?”

Phil cast a glance back at Dan, still standing in the spot that Phil had left him in. Had he just kissed Dan Howell? What the hell was he thinking? Phil shook his head, Dan was the least of his worries right now.

Phil had written a love letter to his brother’s girlfriend. A letter that said girlfriend now was in possession of and had, presumably, read. It could ruin everything. He might have felt like he lost Martyn and Cornelia before but that letter could actually make him lose them. Phil had to figure out what he was going to do about that first and foremost.

He considered if moving to America was a viable escape option.

“Nothing. What? I don’t know,” he muttered, cheeks flushed. “Let’s go.”

He practically dragged Jack back into the school and Phil spent the rest of the day jumping at every shadow.

He couldn’t focus on lessons. He was too busy imagining how much Martyn would hate him and how much Cornelia already hated him. He felt it like a physical pain every single time that he breathed.

Guilt gnawed at his stomach. He shouldn’t have written those letters. It was one big mistake and God, Martyn was going to actually hate him.

Phil had adored Martyn when he was younger and according to their mother, Phil had literally followed in Martyn’s footsteps from the moment he could walk. He used to run around after Martyn every chance he got. He just wanted his brother’s attention and love.

There were many fond memories, but right now they stung deeply.

Once their last class finished, Jack grabbed a hold of Phil’s shoulders before he could dart away and run home.

“Phil, what is going on? You’ve been weird all afternoon. Well, weirder than usual. Did something happen? Did Howell tell you something that upset you?”

“No, he didn’t upset me,” Phil said with a shake of the head, which wasn’t technically true. Dan _had_ told him something upsetting but it hadn’t been Dan’s fault at all. It wasn’t exactly Dan’s fault that he had been one of the people Phil had written a love letter to.

Looking back Phil wasn’t sure if it had been real love, at the time, but it had felt like it. Frankly, Phil had always doubted that he would be able to recognize love, even if it came up and punched him straight in the face.

Jack didn’t look like he believed Phil at all, which was fair.

“You know that I’ll kick his arse if I have to,” Jack vowed seriously. “I will.”

Phil let out a little chuckle at his friend’s protectiveness and it did ease out a bit of the tension in his body. He knew that Jack wouldn’t blame him for writing some love-struck letters, even if he might have very strong opinions about Dan being one of the recipients. Dan’s association with Mark meant Jack didn’t really like him.

“I’m just a bit tired. It’s been a long week,” Phil answered and shrugged.

Jack sent him a glance that told Phil that he didn’t quite believe him but he was choosing to drop it anyway. Phil knew he would get questioned about it later.

Once he arrived back home, he threw his bag on top of the table and he just stood in the kitchen, staring at the recycling bin.

How had the letters made it out of there? How had they made it into the right people’s hands? Or rather the wrong people’s hands. Had Dan and Cornelia gotten them at school or at their homes or… what the hell was going on?

Phil wasn’t sure how long he was standing there, just trying to work it out but he jumped when he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s just me,” his mother replied with a fond tone. “I was calling your name but you didn’t seem to hear me, love. Tough day?”

“You could say that,” Phil said and frowned in the direction of the recycling bin again.

“How did the English class go today? Did the letters arrive in time?”

Phil felt like his world stopped spinning for a moment before he turned around and started at his mother while squinting. “What?”

“You told me that you had those letters due Thursday. When I saw them in the recycling bin, I figured that your father had swept them in by accident. I took care of it for you, so you wouldn’t miss the assignment.”

Phil was blinking twice his normal rate but it didn’t help him understand at all. His mother had done what?

“But they weren’t even addressed…” Phil said, confused.

“I know, I thought you might just have not gotten around to doing that part yet. Obviously, I had Cornelia’s address on hand and two of the names were also students at the school, so I just looked up the addresses on the parents’ intranet. I contacted the scout camp for a home address for the Connor boy and then I used the address I had stored in my address book for Lilly in Canada.”

Phil couldn’t believe what he was hearing. His mother had found Dan and Thomas’ addresses. She had even gone as far as digging out the address for Lilly, who had been a foreign exchange student who had lived with them for a semester last year. Even worse, she had managed to track down the American boy that Phil had met at scout’s camp the summer after his first kiss?

Images flashed in front of Phil’s eyes.

Kissing Dan during the truth or dare. He had been so nervous to be at the party and he had felt proud of himself when he said he'd do a dare rather than the more cowardly truth option. His heart had jumped at Dan’s matching nervous smile. Their first kiss had been brief but impactful enough to start Phil down the path toward figuring out his sexuality.

Being bunkmates with Connor at scout’s camp. Phil had been annoyed that his parents basically forced him to go be outside because they said he was spending too much time playing video games with Jack. He and Connor would stay up late talking about everything. They started talking about crushes and Connor had gotten really quiet and timid. Then he told Phil something that had stuck with him even years later.

Having Lilly stay at his house for a semester. Phil was instantly impressed by her energy. She helped him feel confident enough to talk to girls. They stayed up late and she taught him to braid her hair. She had dazzled everyone at school and he was suddenly cool by association. How she had been the revelation that Phil wasn’t strictly gay.

Going to prom with Thomas. Phil had been so surprised when Thomas had asked him. Saying yes with butterflies in his stomach. The two of them had danced and had a great night and, with Thomas on his arm, Phil was able to shrug off the judgmental glances they got. How Phil had felt things might actually be okay if he ended up marrying a guy.

Bonding with Cornelia over years. Phil had always thought she was so damn cool. She could sing and dance and she wasn’t scared to get up on a stage and do it in front of everyone. Phil had been jealous when Martyn started to butt into their time before realising that the two of them getting together meant that he had more time to hang out with two of his favourite people. He had felt so alone when Martyn left because he knew that everything would change and Cornelia wouldn’t always be around to make him smile or laugh anymore.

“I got all the stamps that they needed and sent them for you,” his mother continued, absolutely unaware of the internal turmoil Phil was experiencing while she was putting water in the kettle to make tea. “I know how forgetful you can be, dear, and it was actually nice to help you out with assignments again. Just like when you were younger.”

“Hmm,” Phil choked out in response.

He couldn’t tell his mother the truth. It was too embarrassing. But what the heck type of assignment did that she think he was doing? He had to write two letters, letters on the computer, mind you. It had just been a page in total or something. It was nothing elaborate at all.

It was nothing like handwriting five letters and sending them with the actual postage system. Who even did that anymore? No one sent letters except for old people.

“Are you okay, dear?” his mother asked, as she finally turned around to look at his expression.

Before Phil got a chance to answer, the doorbell rang and his mother went to answer it. He was still just standing in the kitchen and quitely fuming.

He couldn’t be angry at his mother because she thought that she had been helping him out. And unfortunately, it was just like her to do something like that without consulting him first. If she had just texted him to ask before she had gone all parentally helpful on his life, he would have been able to stop her.

“Phil?” she called out from the hall. “There’s someone here to see you.”

Instantly, Phil pictured Cornelia, awkwardly waiting on the front step because Phil had ruined everything and now, she was ringing the doorbell for the first time in years, instead of just walking into the house like she lived here.

Phil still wasn’t ready to face her so he did the only thing he could think of, which was to turn on his heel, grab his school bag and sprint out the backdoor.

It might have worked better if he hadn't tripped over the lawn furniture and made a big ruckus. Phil could hear his mother calling his name from inside of the house, but now he was just running down to the gate at the back of the garden and getting out of there.

He needed to get his thoughts sorted before he could have the most awkward conversation in history.

What would he even say? Sorry, Cornelia, I know you and my brother are in love and in a committed relationship. That letter was never meant to see the light of day. Please don’t let it be weird?

Yeah, no. Phil couldn’t just say something like that. He also knew himself and he would start to ramble if he didn’t get his head on properly beforehand. He needed time to figure this out.

He slowed down when he felt like he was far away not to be spotted or chased down. He hadn’t been walking with a destination in mind but when he arrived at his favourite ice cream shop, he didn’t hesitate to walk in.

This unfortunate situation called for ice cream and Phil conveniently chose to ignore his lactose intolerance. He needed something to distract himself and pretend his life wasn’t about to end.

Ice cream would help. At least a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so we begin! This idea was one that had rummaged in the back of my head ever since I'd seen the movie. And I'm really freaking excited to be writing a demisexual character for the first time ever in any of my fics. I really should give myself, and hopefully others, that kind of representation. As you might notice, Phil hasn't quite found a label yet here in the first chapter but I still wanted to put up his sexuality in the tags from the beginning all the same. 
> 
> I hope you like this first chapter and again thank you so much to my lovely beta. Comments are, as always, very welcome. This story will run on a weekly schedule, updating every Monday around 8 PM CEST.
> 
> I'm currently doing PEDIA (Posting Every Day In August) so I'm going to be uploading loads, also more phanfiction than this one.


	2. Thomas' letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil had not expected to find himself in this situation ever, but he had expected even less for Dan Howell to be the one willing to lend him an ear and even come up with a potential solution. Only, it was an insane solution. A pretend relationship? Phil would have to be very desperate to accept that as a means of distraction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once more, thank you to my beta, ThoughtaThought for helping shape up this chapter and spare you some of my unnecessary waffle.

The ice cream shop had taken over the spot of a bakery that Phil remembered visiting with his mother as a small child. It had been a special weekend treat, and Phil had been a little devastated when the bakery had closed. His spirits had been lifted quickly when an ice cream shop opened in the bakery’s place. The new owner had decided to realise her dreams by selling a variety of different, undervalued and unexpected flavours.

Phil had been a big kid by then, but he had instantly fallen in love with the shop even more, even if he did get a stomach ache from all the dairy. It was worth it. 

Mrs. Lee was such a sweet old lady and Phil made sure to visit the shop, even when it was too cold to be the most ideal ice cream weather. During the summers people would be lined all the way out of the shop to combat the summer heat, especially when it was as hot as it had been this summer.

A handful of years ago, Phil had come in and undecided on what flavour to get and he had spent a full five minutes staring at the menu, unable to make up his mind. She had come up to talk to him and asked if he would like to make his own ice cream flavour.

Teenage Phil had been awed and thrilled. He had taken his time deciding on the flavours, even if he remembered being worried about taking too long and Mrs Lee retracting her offer. His masterpiece had far too many flavours, but he did really love what he had accidentally invented and he got it nearly every time he came into the shop.

It had become so popular, it was a set flavour ever since then. Mrs. Lee always called it Phil’s ice cream. The actual label read: Mega Baileys Sherbet Chocolate Truffle Candy Mountain Explosion.

It was a bit of an acquired taste and a literal explosion of flavours, but Phil loved it. It was unconventional and quirky enough that people always were intrigued to try it. Most people didn’t buy it twice, but Phil would see it pop up in the front cooler now and again. Even when it wasn’t out as one of the options, Mrs. Lee still kept a tub of it in the back for Phil.

She called it Phil’s emergency stash.

Phil was experiencing an emergency right now. The bell over the door dinged as he walked in and he smiled when Mrs. Lee’s wrinkled face popped out from the backroom. She was such a tiny lady that it was hard to remember that Phil had been shorter than her when he had first met her.. Now he felt like he was twice as tall. He wasn’t, really, but he had a good half metre on her, at least.

“Philly!” she called out lovingly. “Had a craving?”

“Emergency,” Phil said with a sigh and took a seat at the bar stool in the corner. None of the chairs in this little ice cream shop matched. They were all thrifted. Mrs. Lee said she liked thinking of it as giving abandoned things another shot at life. It meant that on more than one occasion customers had burst through the old and busted up chairs but thankfully, no one had ever gotten hurt. If it had been America, surely someone would probably have sued her.

“I’ve got just the thing,” she said knowingly, walking out the back.

“Thank you, Mrs. Lee!” Phil called.

Two minutes later, he had an ice cream cone in his hand and less coins in his pocket. Mrs. Lee always undercharged him but he made up for it by sneaking some notes into the tip jar whenever she wasn’t looking.

Phil had just taken his first lick when the bell over the ice cream shop door bell dinged again. It wasn’t unusual, even as summer was turning into early autumn, a lot of people still wanted to have ice cream. But there was something in Phil’s gut that tugged and he turned around with a sense of trepidation to see who had come in.

His worst fears had been that it would be Cornelia.

It wasn’t her, but it was almost as bad.

Dan Howell was back. And he was looking at Phil with a rather curious expression. Phil realised he’d turned, with his mouth still on his ice cream. Dan’s slight eyebrow raise made Phil cough and promptly turn back around.

Mrs. Lee, oblivious of the fact that Phil was desperately trying to see if he had gained teleportation abilities since waking up this morning, walked out and greeted Dan politely.

She was polite to everyone, but there was something about the familiarity in her tone that shook Phil a little.

“Dan, what can I get for you today, dear?” she asked with a fond smile.

“Err, just hit me up with that good vanilla sh-stuff, Mrs. Lee. Thank you.”

Phil was looking into the wall, with his ice cream melting in his hand. The ice cream was starting to drip down the cone. It would be on his hands soon. Normally, he’d have moved to catch the running ice cream with his lips instantly but he felt frozen. Much more frozen than the ice cream in his hand.

Had he really run away from a lion only to find himself in a bear cave?

Maybe the universe was really conspiring against him. He wasn’t sure what he had done to deserve this.

In another way, he knew this was a golden opportunity to talk to Dan. His mind had been busy with lots of worried thoughts, mostly for himself, but he also felt guilty. He seriously owed Dan an apology for kissing him out of the blue.

It wasn’t okay. 

Phil would have hated it if someone had kissed him like that.

He knew Dan liked kissing people. Phil had seen him corner girls and boys into lockers or the other way around. Dan didn’t seem to mind either way. He was not a stranger to kissing, not even to kissing publicly, but one should still ask beforehand.

Phil hadn’t asked and it was tearing at him.

His melting ice cream touched his hand, but he just let it run on.

“Your ice cream is melting,” Dan said, as he sat down.

He’d left one chair between them. It was like a deliberate barrier and Phil felt bad all over again. Had he really made Dan uncomfortable?

“I know,” Phil said, looking at the ice cream dripping on his fingers.

He didn’t do anything to stop it. He just watched as it kept running. A glob was running down his hand and soon it would drop off. He was a mess and he didn’t know what to say and dripping ice cream was just a very convenient metaphor for exactly how he felt at that moment.

“Here.”

Then there was a tissue pressed against his hand, effectively stopping the melting ice cream before it made a permanent home on Phil’s favourite jeans. Phil could feel the warmth of Dan’s skin where it was pressing the thin tissue paper onto Phil’s hand.

It finally snapped Phil out of his stupor and he accepted the tissue instead of just sitting frozen like an idiot. 

“Thank you.” 

He dabbed the rest of his hand and did a couple of licks off the ice cream to keep it from melting so much. The flavour was sweet on his tongue, and then the savoury aftertaste hit, before it sizzled into that familiar explosion of all the flavours.

“You’re welcome,” Dan said.

His voice was so quiet. Phil was not sure he had ever heard Dan be quiet. Not since that first month at school, back when Dan was just a new kid without any friends. It had been one of the reasons that Phil had been brave enough to approach him at the time.

He had felt like a kindred spirit.

Dan right now did not look like a kindred spirit. His hair looked a little damp, curling at the edges, and he was in a sleeveless tee and a pair of sweatpants, undoubtedly something he’d just changed into after rugby practice was over. Dan’s arms were not bulging, but they were so long and they had some nice definition to them. Looking closer, he also had a few beauty spots.

Then he remembered that staring at Dan wasn’t something normal people would do. He cast a glance over his shoulder to see that Mrs. Lee had gone again. He was alone with Dan Howell.

Phil had always found the little ice cream shop charming and lovely, but right now, it felt suffocating. Phil knew that Dan must be here for him, especially with the statement chair between them. He probably wanted to rip Phil a new one.

He would be entitled to do so.

And Phil would deserve it.

Frankly, Phil wasn sure he was already a laughing stock at school. Had Dan shared the letter with the boys in the locker room? Did they all laugh at younger Phil for feeling that spark of a crush for the first time? Phil wasn’t even sure what was in Dan’s letter, it had been the oldest one out of the bunch, but it must be bad.

God, of course Dan would have told his friends. Phil shouldn’t expect anything else. Monday would be hell. He would be an actual outcast. The freak who sent love letters. Dan would expose him for sure. He was fairly sure Cornelia wouldn’t say anything, more to protect herself than him, perhaps, and Phil guessed that Thomas would keep quiet at least until he had gotten an explanation from Phil.

This was such a mess and it was only the first week back at school.

“I’m dead,” Phil said, accidentally voicing his thoughts out loud.

There was a beat of silence, then something poked him right in the ribs. He squeaked and tried to move away from it.

“Seems pretty alive to me,” Dan noted.

Phil turned to stare at him, a little shocked and a lot mortified, but Dan was just smirking and licking his ice cream like nothing had happened. It was disappearing at an alarming rate, and Phil suddenly wondered what would happen once Dan had consumed it all. Would he just up and leave? Would he start an interrogation?

Phil didn’t know how to deal with any of this.

And as usual, it destroyed his brain to mouth filter.

“Sorry.”

“Sorry?”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Okay?”

“Please know that I’m really sorry. That was not okay at all.”

“Wait, what are you on about? Saying you’re dead is not okay? You’re talking to the wrong person then. I joke about death all the time. Existential nihilism is kinda my thing,” Dan said and chewed on the last of his ice cream cone.

“What?” Phil asked, confused. Had Dan already forgotten the kiss? Surely not. Dan might kiss a lot of people but he didn’t go around kissing Phil.

Or rather Phil didn’t go around kissing him. Phil didn’t really go around kissing anyone.

“I don’t understand what you’re apologising for, Phil,” Dan said, his smile and voice were soft and kind. It was so different from the loud lad banter Phil was used to hearing from him. “You’re gonna have to explain where your brain’s run off to this time, mate.”

Where had this patient and sweet guy come from? Phil almost dared to say that Dan looked nervous again.

“I’m sorry,” Phil repeated, “about the kiss.”

“Oh.”

Phil hears the sound Dan makes in the back of his throat, but he wouldn’t be able to properly identify any of the too many expressions that licker across Dan’s face. It’s like someone had fast-forwarded his expressions, and as a result they’re all muddled together. Something in Phil’s gut registers it as disappointment, but why would Dan be disappointed with Phil for apologising over the kiss?

“Yeah! I shouldn’t have done that without asking. It was not okay in the slightest! I’m so sorry if I made you uncomfortable and I understand if you hate me and-”

“Hold up, hold up,” Dan said, waving his hands back and forth. “Hate you? Uncomfortable? What are you on about?”

Phil’s ice cream was melting again. He licked it to stop it dripping absent-mindedly. He was still thinking about Dan and how this whole conversation was not going the way he had expected at all. He was too wrapped up in his head to notice how Dan’s eyes followed his mouth.

“I’m sorry for kissing you like that,” Phil said, but Dan still looked confused. “Without your consent, Dan,” he added, imploring, begging Dan to understand.

Something finally clicked in Dan’s eyes but he looked surprised, even if he looked like he finally understood.

“Oh… right, well, that’s okay,” Dan said, sounding baffled. “No big deal.”

Dan really didn’t sound like he minded but Phil couldn’t just leave things be. He needed to get Dan to understand him, even if he might just make everything worse by continuing to talk.

“But it is a big deal, Dan,” Phil pressed. “People shouldn’t just kiss you.”

“It’s just kissing, Phil. It’s nothing. Chill,” Dan said with a smirk. There was that cocky Dan attitude that Phil recognised. The player who slept around and kissed lots of people like it was nothing.

But it wasn’t _nothing_ to Phil and he felt bad and he needed to get Dan to understand. He wasn’t sure why but it felt important. Maybe it was just something tangible that he felt like he could control when everything else around him was spinning out of control.

“But it’s not just about the kissing, Dan!” Phil said, unsure why he was angry. He jumped up from his seat and froze for a moment but thankfully the scratch of his chair or his raised voice didn’t alert Mrs. Lee.

“Okay?” Dan said in the tone of a question. “Explain it to me then.”

Okay, Phil could do that. At least, Dan wasn’t just ridiculing him or anything. Not yet. He couldn’t be sure that it wasn’t coming later, but he was being given room to explain himself. It was more than what most people gave him.

“It’s… just a fundamental thing. You can’t touch someone without their consent and you most certainly can’t just kiss them like that. It has to be a mutual decision, not… not just me pulling you into drama, and using you-”

“Using me?”

“It’s a long story,” Phil said, shuffling his feet, then sitting back down on his chair because he felt too untethered standing in front of Dan.

“I’ve got time. You’re the one with the melting ice cream,” Dan said nodding towards Phil’s ice cream, which was running down the cone again.

Phil hated to waste ice cream and in a fit of annoyance he shoved the whole ice cream into his mouth. He realised his mistake immediately, but when he committed to something, he committed wholeheartedly. He nearly choked on the cone and the brain freeze was blinding, but after a full minute he managed to swallow the whole thing.

Dan looked both horrified and impressed. Phil sympathised as he coughed.

“I… I don’t even know how to start explaining this.”

“The letter or the kiss?”

Damn, Phil had almost forgotten about the letter in stressing so much over the kiss.

“The kiss. No, the letter. Um… both?”

“Phil, you’re not making any sense,” Dan said, but his tone was still kind, if a little teasing.

It wasn’t demeaning like when some of the other students told Phil that they couldn’t follow his thought process when he was trying to make a point in class.

“I should start at the beginning,” Phil said, holding his head in his hands so that he didn’t have to look at Dan. “I wrote that letter years ago. After… after that night we played truth and dare. You were never meant to see it, but some stuff happened and my mother… it doesn’t matter. It was sent, along with like four other letters.” 

Phil peeked through his fingers to see Dan placing his hand dramatically on his chest as if he was hurting.

“Damn, so I wasn’t the only one who got one?” Dan asked with a pout.

“Unfortunately not,” Phil said, a little grumbly. He didn’t want to explain to Dan that each of those five letters had been very personal and very important when they had been written. He had left a little piece of his heart in each of those sealed envelopes. 

He knew some people had a new crush every other week, but five crushes over three years was a big deal to Phil.

“So, the letter is old and you don’t feel the same anymore,” Dan said. Phil didn’t know what to make of Dan’s tone. He sounded almost stoic, a little more put on than before when he’d been gentle and patient. Before Phil could ask, Dan continued, “And what does that have to do with the kiss?”

“Ah, yes, well.” Phil rubbed at the back of his neck and avoided Dan’s eyes. “One of the people who got a letter was Cornelia…” Phil said, unsure if he should actually be spilling all of this to Dan, but after that kiss… and frankly, Phil needed to get this off his chest and out of his head or he was going to explode.

“Cornelia? Fiery red head from our year? Plays piano and has the voice of an angel? Smoking hot?”

Phil didn’t appreciate that final descriptor, but Dan wasn’t wrong. Cornelia was very attractive. Phil had known how many boys Martyn said he had to chase away from his girlfriend. He had probably just not counted on Phil being one of them.

“Yes.”

“Isn’t she your brother’s girl?”

“Yes.”

Dan whistled. “Okay, yeah, I can see how that’s awkward.”

“Not awkward, mortifying,” Phil corrected. “I-I didn’t know what to say to her when I realised she must have gotten her letter too and you were right there and I just panicked.”

“So, you just grab and kiss people when you panic?”

“ No! What? I don’t usually go around kissing people.”

Phil didn’t want to mention that he kind of hadn’t kissed anyone for years. Three years to be exact. Since Dan. The opportunity, and frankly the desire, had never arisen again. Phil had also realised that you didn’t really need to give into peer pressure and do something just because everyone else was doing it.

Since then he had just admired people silently from afar. Well, usually admired them from across tables, learning all about them but never letting himself be known.

Kissing Dan earlier today had been a little easier than he’d expected but they had kissed before and, while they had not spoken in a long time, Dan was still a familiar face and presence.

“So you needed to hide? To distract Cornelia? Or to deceive her?”

“What do you mean, deceive her?”

“You know, make her think that you’re already taken and that the letter was just a joke or old or something. How old is it?”

Phil grimaced. “Like a week or something.”

“A week!” Dan said loudly through a laugh, amused and too loud. “You’re sweet on your brother’s girl and you choose to write about your affections the second that he leaves?”

Phil shushed him desperately, even if they were still alone. He was pretty sure Mrs. Lee had bad hearing but that still didn’t mean that he wanted her to overhear this conversation.

“No, it’s not for real. It’s… infatuation. A crush. I don’t know. I just… I’m not sure. I just needed to write that letter. That’s usually how I deal with my emotions, okay? I don’t actually want to come between my brother and Cornelia. I love them both. It’s just how I work.”

Dan hummed, in contemplation.

“Okay, so. What I’m hearing is that you actually just need to wait until this crush or whatever you call it goes away, but you don’t want her to question you about the letter?”

“Yes, I suppose.”

“Then I’ve got an idea.”

Phil perked up. He was actually surprised that Dan was still sitting here. He would have thought that the rugby player would have left a while ago. But instead, he stayed in his seat and seemed genuinely invested in Phil’s dilemma.

“What would that be?”

“Date me.”

Phil felt like his world tilted a bit on his axis. For a hot second, he was sure he must be falling through his chair like those other unfortunate customers in the ice cream shop. He wasn’t. Dan just kept looking at him expectedly.

“What?!”

“I said, date m-”

“Shush! I heard you, I just don’t know what the hell you mean!” Phil hissed.

Dan titled his head, looking quite amused and very entertained by Phil’s panicked expression.

“I think it’s pretty self-explanatory,” Dan said. “When people date, they usually hang out, kiss, have sex, go-”

“HUSH!” Phil hissed, louder this time and barely resisting the urge to slap a hand over Dan’s mouth.

“Aw, you’re cute,” Dan said with a smile, but Phil couldn’t read his tone at all. He could pick up on the teasing, but he wasn’t sure if it was malicious or good-natured.

“I know what people do when they date,” Phil said, even if he wanted to say that not every romantic relationship contained sex, which he had learned on one of his late-night research sessions last spring. “I mean… wh- how? You!?”

Dan looked at Phil as if he really enjoyed having him confused and flustered and messing up his words in front of him.

“Alright, calm down. Breathe. I meant that you should _pretend_ to date me.”

“Oh.” That made more sense. “Oh, okay.” Phil could do that. Or at least it seemed like a better option than trying to explain… everything, but… 

Why would Dan want to date him? Dan didn’t even date! He hooked up with people or hung out with people for like a week and then dropped them.

Which begged the question.

“Why?” 

They quietly stared at each other for a bit, both of them waiting for the other to speak. Then Dan’s face scrunched up in confusion.

“Okay, you lost me. Again, I might add,” Dan said and pointed his finger right at Phil’s face. His eyes almost went cross-eyed trying to follow it.

Phil swatted Dan’s hand away after trying to focus on his fingertip. He didn’t like people invading his space like that. The only people he felt comfortable being that close to outside of his family was Cornelia and Jack.

Phil squared his shoulders and tried to think of how to present his thoughts in a coherent manner.

“Even if we do say that… me pretending to date you could help me… get over… my crush on Cornelia and keep her off my back until then, which is a big ‘if’ by the way, why do you want to pretend to date me? What do you get out of it?”

“Must everyone want something? Can’t I just be nice?” Dan asked, but there was a sharpness to his teasing words. He almost reminded Phil of a shark circling its prey.

One misstep and there would be blood in the water.

“No because humans are inherently selfish creatures, whether they think they are or not. It’s not always a bad thing. Like in a friendship, you want someone to hang out with; you want company and comfort. It doesn’t make it any less nice just because you want something from each other.”

“Okay, damn. I concede,” Dan said and raised his hands in surrender. “And you’re… not exactly wrong, I guess.”

“Okay,” Phil said, because he could work with this. It was better if they were both on the same page, even if Phil was a little unsure if they should be in this book together at all. “So, why do you want to pretend-date me?”

Dan hummed, leaning slightly too far back on his chair, and made a thoughtful face. It was clear that he could feel Phil’s eyes on him, waiting anxiously, but he looked like he was enjoying the attention and dragging this out.

“Your ass?”

“DAN!”

Dan started cackling. He laughed so hard that he started tearing up, because he reached up to wipe the corners of his eyes. Phil just glared at him, feeling more and more that he should up and leave.

But something kept him rooted in his place. He wasn’t sure what. He couldn’t tamp down his curiosity because, despite how ludicrous the idea seemed, being in this mess with someone else sounded comforting. He’d already told Dan everything, so he might as well see where this could lead him.

“I was joking,” Dan said, reining in his laughter. “Obviously. Sorry, you’re just too fun to tease.”

“Dan, I will get up off this chair and leave. I’ll never speak to you again,” Phil said, even if he never intended to make good on any of those threats. He just wanted to be dramatic.

Dan seemed to see right through him, but he still changed his tune.

“It wasn’t like I was planning on getting a pretend boyfriend, or girlfriend for that matter, but I did consider that I should probably do something about my… err, reputation.”

“You mean, as the school-” Phil cut himself off, scrunching up his nose, before he could say slut.

He didn’t like that term being thrown at people who were promiscuous. It was their choice entirely. As long as they only got involved with consenting parties and no one got hurt. Phil couldn’t wrap his head around _why_ someone would want to sleep with people they had just met or barely said two words to, but he had come to realise that most people didn’t feel like he did about relationships.

“Slut?” Dan said, unabashedly.

Phil didn’t scrunch up his nose this time because Dan’s tone was so different from how he usually heard the words snickered or shouted. Dan just said it. Like it was a normal word that had no power over him. Phil was baffled.

“I suppose,” he mumbled.

“I did mean that reputation, yes,” Dan confirmed, smirking to himself even as he stared forward and didn’t look at Phil. “There’s been a lot of talk about me, people making assumptions about what I like or who I am. I hate that. I want to shock them out of those assumptions. Build my own box,” Dan said, then looked down at his hands. “I also bet Mark that I could retire from my, err… philandering ways. At least for a while.”

“A bet?” Phil asked, raising his eyebrows. “Really?”

“Hey, what else do you have to do in high school?” Dan asked, with a nonchalant shrug.

“That’s literally the plot of every bad teenage romcom that ends with everyone involved feeling hurt,” Phil said, eyebrows furrowing in concern.

“Yeah,” Dan agreed with a nod. “Which is why I’d never actually try to trick someone into it. I’m not heartless, you know. But I just thought, when you mentioned your situation,” Dan strugged. “Two birds, one stone, right?”

Phil didn’t really like how messy and complicated it sounded, but what if it worked? If it worked, it could be a win-win for both of them. And it wasn’t like Dan was trying to force him into anything. His words, although teasing, had seemed sincere the whole time.

It had been over three years since he and Dan had such a long conversation. Phil could still remember the evening before school let out the year Dan had enrolled. How he and Dan sat out on the grass behind the school talking about the silliest things.

This conversation felt silly, even if it was concerning a very serious matter. He still wasn’t sure if Cornelia would tell Martyn about the letter, but she might be distracted enough to hold off. Phil getting a boyfriend would be massive news.

He hadn’t exactly hidden that he wasn’t straight. Thomas had come to his parents’ house to pick him up for prom last year, but he had never dated anyone seriously.

It would be a monumental distraction for sure. Phil could feel how he was talking himself into it.

“We’ll need rules,” Phil said. “If we’re going to do this, we have to do it right.”

“What kind of rules?” Dan asked but he perked up noticeably at Phil’s words, like he hadn’t counted on Phil actually entertaining the idea.

“Like relationship rules. Dos and don’ts. We should know where we stand with each other.”

“Okay, I guess?” Dan said and he looked very amused by the whole thing.

“Good, we can do that later,” Phil said, as he realised that he must have been gone for much longer than he had anticipated. He still hated that he had run away from Cornelia ringing their doorbell but it had seemed like the right choice in the moment. “But I also have a question for you.”

“You seem to have plenty of those,” Dan said, tilting his head slightly to the side as he watched Phil. “You’ve got a lot going on in that brain of yours,” he added, nodding toward Phil’s head.

It was not said in a mean tone. If anything, Dan’s tone was contemplative and a little curious. Phil couldn’t let himself dwell on what the hell that meant.

“Did you tell anyone?” Phil asked, and he could already see that Dan was going to demand him to be specific once again, so he tacked on the explanation immediately. “Did you tell or show anyone the letter?”

Phil didn’t like the idea of a whole locker room full of rugby boys having seen his fifteen-year-old heart. It was humiliating to even think about it. They would have ripped him to shreds.

“Phil,” Dan said, voice the gentlest it had been yet. “I’d never do that. I haven’t shown it to anyone and I won’t. I promise.”

Phil hadn’t realised that he had been holding so much tension in his body, until he felt himself relax more than before. He couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe there was still something that Dan wasn’t telling him but he seemed to be truthful about the letter at least.

“Okay, so, can you give it back to me?” Phil asked.

Even if Dan hadn’t shown it to anyone and he wasn’t intending to do so, he would still rather have it back. He couldn’t trust Dan to keep his word indefinitely. So many things could change too quickly.

Things went wrong in relationships all the time. Even pretend ones.

“No,” Dan said. Phil waited. Dan didn’t elaborate. Phil blinked.

“No?”

“Yes. No.”

“Yes?”

“No.”

“I’m confused,” Phil said. “Wait, why would you not give it back?”

“It’s rude.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s addressed to me.”

Phil frowned again. He was pretty sure he did a lot of frowning around Dan. He kept saying things that caught Phil off guard.

“I’m pretty sure it’s not rude if the person who addressed it to you wants it back.”

“Wasn’t that your mum?” Dan asked, shit-eating grin on his face.

Phil didn’t really get to enjoy the expression in all its glory, because he was more impressed that Dan had remembered that he had said anything at all about his mother.

“How do you know that?”

“I’ve got my sources,” Dan said, clearly trying to sound ominous and mysterious.

“You’re not mysterious,” Phil told him. “You’re just annoying.”

“Sure am. Oh, this is going to be lots of fun,” Dan said, getting up from his rickety chair. He got up so quickly he almost managed to tip it over behind him. It wobbled but it stayed standing. It was quite a fitting metaphor for how Phil felt right now.

And then Dan was leaning in closer to Phil’s face, once again getting into his personal bubble. For a beat, Phil thought that Dan would try to kiss him. But he just lingered, a little too close to Phil’s face while watching with that charming and disarming smile that he always shot people before he crowded them against the school lockers.

“Rules,” Phil muttered under his breath, unsure if Dan was waiting for something or just very content to hang out in Phil’s space.

“Yeah, your rules.”

“Our rules. We need to decide on them,” Phil said, and he hated that Dan just stayed close to him. He smelled nice. It was a little disorienting.

“This weekend,” Dan said. “I have to head home.”

Phil nodded along, but then again, it felt difficult to do much else with Dan so close.

“Okay,” Phil said and tried to swallow the lump that was forming in his throat.

“See you, boyfriend,” Dan said with a wink, before he was pulling back just as quickly and silently as he had entered Phil’s personal bubble.

Phil knew he’d have to allow Dan to do that, and probably more, if they were to actually pull this off. As he watched Dan leave, too cool to look over his shoulder, he realised that all of this was a terrible idea. Sure, it might distract Cornelia but who would actually buy it?

Known floosy Dan Howell dating shy inexperienced Phil Lester?

No one would buy it, certainly not all of Dan’s cool friends. Phil knew for sure that Jack would hate it and question him relentlessly. Phil was really not the type to get into relationships out of the blue.

Phil let his head bang down on the table. His fringe landed in some of the melted ice cream from earlier. He wasn’t even upset. This was just his life now.

It was all well and good that Dan said that they would talk about the rules over the weekend, but on the walk home Phil realised he didn’t have any means to contact Dan. He could get Dan’s address from his mother, but she had already had ‘a talk’ with him about running off . He knew making odd requests wasn’t going to help his case. He shut her down, gently, citing a headache and going to bed early.

He did not sleep for a very long time. Dan’s words, his tone of voice was stuck in Phil’s head, playing on an unforgiving loop.

Phil thought he knew who Dan Howell was. He had been sure of it really. He was a shy kid who moved to a new town at the absolute worst age and he’d been scared. He’d been happy to have Phil as a friend because Phil was all he had been offered to him back then. Then the summer had created distance between them and when Dan had come back to school, he joined the rugby team and gained a whole new circle of friends and admirers. Then he became the cocky jock that in just a few short months would start to pull girls and then boys as well. He was a happy go lucky guy. He seemed to mostly like rugby for the status and attention it gave him.

A status that was far removed from Phil, who studied quietly and was friendly, but mostly hung out with his best mate Jack.

Phil had considered showing up at Dan’s house to talk to him but that seemed invasive. He also didn’t know if Dan’s family situation still was the same as three years ago. Phil could still remember the shake of Dan’s voice and the way he hid his face when his eyes had started to tear up. It had the last conversation they had before Dan left for over a month on a family holiday. Dan had timidly told Phil that he had not been looking forward to it.

It wasn’t something people talked about at school when they talked about Dan. In fact, Phil had even heard some of the younger students gossip about Dan being mysterious because a lot of people didn’t know anything about his family. Phil never said anything about what Dan had revealed during their brief friendship.

Phil didn’t know if the lack of knowledge about Dan’s family was an indication that things were worse or better. Phil stayed away.

Jack commented on how he was fidgety and distracted when Phil came over Saturday afternoon to play games and study. Jack had mostly used it as an excuse to play video games instead of focusing on their books. Phil’s mother noticed his jumpy behavior when they were baking cakes on Sunday morning and she gently reminded him that he could talk to her if he had something on his mind.

But Phil couldn’t tell anyone. He didn’t want to, no, he _couldn’t_ explain it. He just wished he had the foresight to ask Dan for his number or that he knew who he could ask for it without it being weird.

When Phil arrived at school Monday morning, he really wished that he had time to talk to Dan.

“We’ll see how long the two of you last, yeah?” one of the rugby players asked him, just after he’d walked through the main door. “Howell will eat you alive.”

“What?” Phil barked out, a little intimidated.

“Ah, he’s dead meat,” one of the other rugby guys chimed in before the little cluster of people moved down the hall.

Phil was looking after them, feeling a sense of dread set in his stomach.

Then someone was pulling tightly on his shoulder and spinning him around. Phil shrieked and raised his arms to defend himself, unsure what was about to happen.

“What the fuck, Phil.”

It was Jack and he was glaring a hole into Phil. It was really a miracle that Phil was still standing with the deadly heat coming off that glare. Phil had a feeling he knew what this was about, even if Jack had seemed completely chill and fine with everything when they had hung out two days ago.

“Hi buddy,” Phil said, in his cheeriest voice while trying not to be suspicious. It was not working.

Jack let out an annoyed huff and then just started dragging Phil down the corridor. Phil had no choice but to follow, even as they got a couple of looks. Thankfully, it wasn’t odd for them to sneak into empty classrooms. Jack always seemed to know which classrooms were unoccupied, so he must have memorised the entire class schedule. Phil had no idea why or how he had done that, but it was a very Jack move.

“Spill,” Jack said as soon as the door was closed behind him.

Phil squinted and tried to sense how much Jack might know. It didn’t do him much good other than being able to see the hurt in Jack’s expression. It made Phil’s stomach clench.

“So…”

“Yes?”

“I don’t know what you want from me, Jack!” Phil protested and flailed his arms around. “Are you mad?”

“Hell yes, I’m mad, Phil!” Jack shouted. “How could you not tell me that you’re dating? You! Who won’t even pick a celebrity crush at parties because and-I-quote: _who knows what they’re like in real life_? You, who freaks out the moment anyone but your closest friends try to touch or, hell, even get close to you? When did you have time to get serious enough with someone to be dating?”

Phil clenched his jaw and he felt exposed. Jack had never pushed Phil like this, never so purposely laid him and his quirks bare like this. It hurt and Phil knew Jack was only doing it because of the hurt still burning in his own eyes, but it didn’t make the situation any easier.

“I just… it just… happened?”

“With _Dan Howell_?” Jack challenged. “I didn’t know you were still carrying a torch for him.”

“What! No! I don’t!” Phil was quick to deny, perhaps a little too quick.

“Right,” Jack said skeptically. “So why? Why are you dating _him_? He’s just like all the other rugby idiots. In fact, aren’t him and Mark still fucking around?”

“I… I don’t… no. No, they aren’t. Because me and Dan are dating,” Phil said. He didn’t even sound convincing to his own ears.

“For how long?” Jack asked.

“That’s…” Phil hesitated; he wasn’t sure what Dan might already have said about them. “Private.”

“Oh, so it’s like that?” Jack asked, backing away and hurt bleeding into his expression.

Phil wanted to tell him but doing so would mean spilling everything, even about the love letters because he knew his best friend and he wouldn’t back off until he had gotten the full story. Phil knew that Jack wouldn’t judge him or think less of him, but he would probably feel pity. Phil didn’t want anyone’s pity right now. He didn’t like feeling pitiful.

“It’s not-” Phil tried to protest because he could see Jack’s hurt morph into anger.

“Fine, whatever,” he said, going over to the door with heavy steps. “Just don’t come crying to me when your new boyfriend breaks your heart.”

“Jack-”

“Jack is a nickname reserved for my friends, Philip,” Jack said. “And I’m not sure we’re friends if you choose to keep me out of the loop like this. I thought I was your best friend.”

“You are,” Phil said, growing more desperate.

It wasn’t the first time they had argued. It happened now and again, and Jack was usually the first to get angry, but only because he never knew how else to channel his emotions. Phil knew this. He also knew that Jack would likely show up at his house in a day or two and say sorry for overreacting but it didn’t mean that the pain right now wasn’t real.

And Phil didn’t usually mess up like this. He knew secrets were something Jack had no patience for.

“Yeah, whatever,” Jack said, and at least some of the harshness left his voice. It was a good sign. The first sign of a thaw in the ice-cold anger.

Jack left and Phil prepared himself for a lonely day at school without seeing Jack during free period or lunch. He would have to deal with that. He deserved the cold shoulder. He very much wanted to give his own cold shoulder to Dan because surely, he must be behind this madness.

Why did he tell the whole school that they were dating? They hadn’t even agreed on the rules yet and he was already off blabbing his mouth. Phil was pretty sure this was a bad sign.

During his first class of the day, he could feel people’s eyes on him, even if they didn’t say anything to him. Their glances spoke volumes though. Most seemed baffled, looking at Phil as if they were trying to figure out why Dan Howell, notorious hook-up, would suddenly be _dating_ someone like _Phil_.

Phil rushed out of his seat as soon as class ended. He was determined to find Dan. They didn’t share any classes on Monday but he didn’t care, he would find a way to talk to him. It turned out to be harder than expected, because even if Dan was often the talk of the school, he seemed to move in mysterious ways.

Phil couldn’t find him.

He did find Thomas Sanders though, or rather Thomas found him.

“Hey Phil!” Thomas said, waving to catch his attention as he excused himself from his group of friends.

Phil had been too busy worrying about Cornelia and now Dan that he hadn’t considered that Thomas would probably want to talk too. Phil froze in his steps, stomach swooping as Thomas jogged over to him. Thomas’ friends were watching too, but they didn’t look hostile or overly curious like so many of the other students. The drama squad had always been a lovely bunch. Phil almost wished that he was better friends with them.

“Hi Thomas,” Phil said, looking everywhere but Thomas’ face.

“Can we talk?”

Phil hated those words. He was about to start a petition that stated no one could say those words to him. Not now, not ever.

“Sure, yeah,” he said, trying to sound cool, even if he very much did not do that.

Thomas nodded down the hall, away from both his friends and the other people who were looking at them. It reminded Phil of being at the prom with Thomas and how so many people had been looking at them. There had been a couple of gay comments but Thomas had brushed it off, turning around and asking loudly for people to repeat what they said so everyone could hear.

Thomas was a wonderful guy, goofy and happy-go-lucky most of the time, but he didn’t tolerate homophobia. He was out and proud, even if he didn’t flaunt it. He just never hid it. Phil was envious of that. Oh, to be so secure in your own identity that you already didn’t mind what other people might say of you.

“So…” Thomas began, as they kept walking through the halls, “I got a letter from you.”

Phil had been bracing himself ever since Thomas walked up to him but he still didn’t feel ready.

“Mm, ha? I know… I’m sorry! You were never meant to see that, I…”

“You wrote it after prom, right?” Thomas asked, catching Phil’s eye.

Phil furrowed his brows. Thomas was absolutely right, but Phil wasn’t sure how he could tell that. Maybe Phil had mentioned something in the letter? He tended to forget everything he had written the moment that he put pen to paper. The words just poured out and got stuck on the page.

“Yes,” Phil confirmed but he was sure confusion was written all over his face.

They were still walking, and Phil realised that it was on purpose when Thomas looped them around. They were pacing, together, but it also meant that no one around caught anything more than fragments of their conversation.

“Why did you send it now?” Thomas asked, still sounding so patient and kind. Phil was suddenly a little mad that he had never tried to actually talk to Thomas about the crush. He had been worried. He had been worried it would mean that he was gay and people would shout at both him and Thomas. At the time, itt felt too big, too scary.

“I didn’t, exactly,” Phil said, pulling his shoulder up onto a half-shrug. “It’s a long story, but it was an accident. I’m sorry if I offended you or-”

“Offended?” Thomas asked and then he threw his head back and laughed, but not unkindly. He sounded adorable when he laughed, it was one of the things that Phil had latched onto first. “I’m flattered. I’ve never gotten a letter like that before, and it was very sweet, Phil. Still, I thought you might want it back.”

Thomas pulled a letter from his inside jacket pocket and offered it to Phil just like that. Phil took it so quickly that he thought he might have given himself a papercut. It didn’t matter. One of the five letters was finally back in his possession.

“Thank you,” he sighed with a smile.

“No problem, and Phil… I don’t know if your feelings are still the same, but I wanted you to know,” Thomas said, and then his voice changed a little shyer, “I’m dating someone else. I met him over the summer. Leo. He’s great.”

Thomas went from admitting it shyly to saying his boyfriend’s name with a big smile. Phil wondered again what it would be like to be able to talk about something, someone, so easily.

“Oh! That’s great,” Phil said in earnest. “I’m really happy for you, you deserve the best boyfriend. You’re such an incredible person.”

Thomas slowed down his steps to shoot Phil a look of slight bewilderment and then he was smiling again. So wide and open.

“Thanks, Phil,” he said, so much warmth in his voice. “And you do too. I hope it works out with you and Dan.”

“Me and…? Oh, right! Yeah!”

Phil really needed to get his lying game up. Thomas was looking at him with a bit of concern.

“I’m here if you need anyone to talk to, okay? And be careful. Boys like that… they can break your heart without even meaning to.”

Phil wasn’t worried about that, not really. Dan was his oldest crush, but he had moved past Dan. And they weren’t going to be actually dating anyhow.

“I’ll be okay,” he said to ward off the clear concern on Thomas’ face. “Thank you for… not being weird about this.”

“Nothing weird about feelings,” Thomas said. “And like I said, it’s always lovely to hear that someone loves you. Past or present tense. I was just worried I’d be hurting you by giving it back.”

“No,” Phil said quickly but sincerely. “I’m not hurt. Relieved to have it back really. I’m sure it was embarrassing to read.”

Thomas pulled them to a full stop.

“It wasn’t embarrassing, Phil. Give it a read and you’ll see for yourself. It was lovely.”

The bell rang over their head, signalling the end of break. Thomas bid Phil goodbye with a warm hug, Phil hugged him back tightly, hoping to get a little of Thomas’ strength and openness.

Phil didn’t plan to read the letter but it was burning a hole in his pocket and as soon as his second class of the day was done, and everyone was heading off to the cafeteria, he locked himself in the toilet and carefully opened it

_Dear Thomas Sanders,_

_I think I heard you laugh about a hundred times today. It is the most beautiful sound. Please keep laughing like that, even if it’s at my terrible dance moves. You never laugh at me, you laugh_ **_with_ ** _me and it puts a feeling in my chest I don’t know what to do with._

_You’re so cool, so effortlessly getting up on a stage. You sing, dance, perform and you enrapture your audience. You enrapture me too._

_I don’t want to be up on the stage with you, the spotlight is too scary, but I want to be there in the wings waiting for you. Is that even the right term? I don’t know._

_You’ll have to teach me._

_I have so many things that I want to learn from you. I want to learn how to not care about other people’s opinions. I want to learn how to laugh without covering my mouth. I want to learn how to hold your hand at school without feeling like vicious hawks might descend upon us._

_I wanted to kiss you tonight, more than just on the cheek._

_But I’m still so scared. I’m scared of it all._

_The fear quiets down when it’s just the two of us. You make me wish for this, someone to share my life with. I want to find someone who is always there and willing to hold my hand._

_I love you._

_Love, Phil Lester_

Phil wasn’t sure if Thomas was right about it not being embarrassing but it was not as bad as he feared. Then again, this letter was only a few months old. The older ones would probably be even worse. It was still odd reading it now, reading how scared he had been, both of the feelings that Thomas made him feel and of the exposure.

He didn’t like to be exposed. Not one bit.

Phil was exposed right now, and the talk of too many people. He needed to find Dan and talk about all of these rumours about them.

With a new resolve, Phil pocketed the letter and left the toilets to head directly for the cafeteria. Dan was there. He sat on top of one of the tables, even though it wasn’t allowed. All of his rugby friends were around him, as well as a couple of the girls that would never give Phil a passing glance in the hallway.

Phil marched right up to the group, feeling a sudden rush of bravery thanks to his letter. He didn’t want to be that scared kid anymore.

“I need to talk to you,” Phil said. His voice came out a little sharper than intended. He was only focused on Dan, ignoring the people around them.

Worry flashed across Dan’s face but only for a second before he dropped back into his cocky attitude.

“Sure thing, babe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I love these boys so much. Both DnP but also Thomas Sanders here. It feels very old school to include other YouTubers as the supporting characters, because I feel like it was a trend a few years ago but I've rarely done it. So, I kind of went ham on that with this story. Every side character is a YouTuber I watch or have watched. Anyway! Back our main boys, they are so dumb here because they genuinely think that they can do this without feelings getting caught. I will sit here chuckling at them.
> 
> Next update will be on Monday, around 8 PM CEST, like usual.
> 
> PEDIA is still going on, and I'm just about managing to keep up, so do feel free to check out my profile for more phanfics, but also works with BTS, Sanders Sides and Undertale.


	3. Lilly's letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They needed rules. Phil was sure this whole thing would be easier to manage with some dating rules. It would have to be a list of compromises, but Phil supposed that was also the nature of relationships. Even pretend ones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, thank you so much to my beta, ThoughtaThought for betaing this chapter!

Phil didn’t like the casual way that Dan had suddenly decided to drop a nickname on him, let alone one that cliché but he knew he couldn’t protest when they were around this many people. It would attract too much suspicion and none of them needed that.

Besides, causing a scene in the cafeteria was not on Phil’s bucket list. Quite the opposite. In fact, he hoped it was something that would never happen.

Dan was watching him, legs swinging from where he sat perched on top of the table. Dan was not the only one who watched Phil, all of his rugby friends watched it with too much attention. Phil tried to breathe but it was hard with so many eyes on him.

Dan still hadn’t moved. He looked at Phil expectantly, cocky smirk on his lips and mirth in his eyes. 

It took an embarrassing long amount of time for Phil to realise that Dan was waiting for him to say something, right in front of everyone. Phil could feel that he started to flush as the realisation dawned on him, but Dan must be mental if he thought that was happening.

“Could we talk in private?” Phil asked, face too hot and he reached out to grab Dan’s hand and physically drag him away from the table whether he wanted to come or not.

Dan threw his head back and laughed, but he let himself get pulled along easily enough.

“Sorry,” Dan said, over his shoulder, “sounds like I’m wanted for some  _ alone time _ .”

There was an innuendo, a note of suggestion, in Dan’s voice that would have Phil blushing if it wasn’t for the fact that this whole situation was more than enough to get him blushing to begin with.

If he had been braver or more composed, he would have turned around with a snappy comeback or something, but right now, he was just trying to remember how to move his feet and breathe.

Phil had dragged Dan all the way out through the backdoor of the school before he realised he had been holding Dan’s hand this whole time. He let go like Dan had burned him. He hadn’t, obviously. In fact, Dan’s hand was warm and soft, which Phil couldn’t really understand when the boy played rugby. Shouldn’t his hands be calloused?

Dan let out a huff, still sounding too amused for his own good. Phil decidedly didn’t look behind him as he marched over to the little bench under the trees.

Sometimes, people came out here to eat their lunch or chat, but it was blessedly empty right now. Dan planted himself on top of this table too and Phil thought about making a snarky comment about how he couldn’t just sit like a normal person.

He took a breath and strangled the words before they could leave his head. He was on the edge and being hypercritical and it was not a good idea to go into this all guns blazing.

Phil didn’t like confrontation and he wasn’t even sure how to approach this. Usually, he was the one trying to back out, hands raised in surrender. He defaulted to the way he usually dealt with overwhelming emotions and pulled out a pen and a notepad from his bag.

They’d have to have a set of written rules, Phil reasoned, and he was determined not to leave this spot until he and Dan had agreed on those rules because all of this uncertainty was making it difficult for him to breathe.

“So… what’s up?” Dan asked, once Phil had laid the notepad out neatly in front of him.

Phil looked up to see Dan more in a lounging position now, leaning back to rest on his elbow, practically lying on top of the table. He was a tall guy and he took up almost all of the space.

“Why did you tell everyone that we’re dating?” Phil asked.

It hadn’t really been what he had been intending to ask right off the bat. In fact, he had begun to consider if he could just ignore the question entirely but Dan was looking too casually about this. It wasn’t fair that Dan could go out and drop a bomb like that without feeling any of the nerves.

Maybe all of the nerves had gone to Phil instead.

“Excuse me?” Dan asked, and he looked genuinely confused. “I didn’t tell anyone shit.”

“Wait, what?” Phil asked. “How does everyone know then?”

Dan let out a chuckle, deep from within his chest, and he leaned back a little further on one elbow. His other hand went to reach out, playing with the orange leaves hanging too low over the table.

“How do you think?” Dan asked, like the answer was glaring Phil in the face.

Phil couldn’t see it, which was only serving to make him feel stupid. He didn’t like that. 

“Why would I be asking if I knew, Dan?” Phil complained.

Something shifted in Dan’s expression. The cockiness slipped out of expression.

“Phil, you kissed me,” Dan reminded him, sounding slightly exasperated.

“Yeah, so?” Phil asked as he felt the flush burning under his skin again. It probably hadn’t even gone away but now it felt like it was flaring once more.

Dan looked at him with narrow eyes, looking confused.

“At school?” Dan tacked on, but Phil was still lost. It showed in his expression. “People saw us, Phil.”

Oh, no. Phil felt like an idiot. Of course. Really, what had he expected? They had somehow managed to avoid Jack seeing. Phil knew he would have gotten an earful right at that moment if he had, but there had been other people out on the grass who must have seen them. It was too much. Too exposed. Phil hid his face in his hands and let out a groan.

Dan chuckled again.

“Hey, calm down. It’s not that bad. And the rumour moved quite slowly, all things considered. But…”

“But?” Phil asked, slowly prying his fingers away from his face.

“But the guys from the team did ask me about it this morning and I kind of had to tell them, you know? I guess that’s why it spread so rapidly today,” Dan said, and he sounded apologetic.

“Did you have to tell them before we got a chance to talk?”

Dan put a hand to his chin tilting it up, in exaggerated contemplation, it was clear that he was doing it only to mock Phil.

“Would you rather I said what really happened?” Dan asked.

Phil frowned and glared.

“Or should I have refused to say anything and have them assume we were just hooking up?”

Phil blanched. That was worse. Definitely worse.

“Thought so,” Dan said, reading Phil’s expressions. “Because that was what they were assuming by the way. They thought we were just casually sleeping together, I thought you’d prefer that they thought that we were actually dating, since that was the plan anyway.”

“Yeah,” Phil finally said, but his voice came out a little weird, a little squeaky.

“Phil,” Dan said, reaching over to place a hand on Phil’s arm. He still had the pen in his hand and he was clutching it a little too hard. Had it been a pencil, it would have snapped in half. “It’s okay, I didn’t tell them any specifics, even if they were dying for them.”

“Really?” Phil asked, confused why someone would take such interest in his relationships, but then he realised that there was probably more interest because Dan was in a relationship for the first time ever.

Dan turned his assumption on its head.

“Yeah, they were really curious about you. I think some of the guys have a lowkey crush on you. I swear some of them sounded jealous. They were very interested to know what kind of moves I pulled to convince  _ the _ Phil Lester to date me, when you turned down everyone who’d tried to ask you out. Well, except that Thomas guy.”

“Hold up, hold up,” Phil said waving his arms back and forth. “What are you talking about? I don’t reject people who want to date me.”

Dan snorted and there was a shit eating grin on his face.

“Yeah, you do. I know none of the rugby boys have ever tried before but I’ve seen it at least a couple of times myself. That girl in math class who was always asking to hang out to study?”

“We just had study sessions,” Phil said, still confused.

“And that boy from choir who tried so hard to get you to come to the school performance to watch him?”

“He… he just needed more supporters in the audience,” Phil said, confusion still swirling around in his mind.

“Phil, I could go on. You even rejected Thomas after the prom, which kind of surprised everyone.”

Who was ‘everyone’ and why were they paying attention to Phil in the first place? He was almost sure that Dan was pulling his leg, but his tone was still sincere, even if he was definitely teasing him.

“I didn’t reject Thomas,” Phil said, because that at least he was sure of. He might concede that he would have rejected the other people that Dan mentioned, if those attempts were supposed to be a means of asking Phil out. But he wouldn’t have rejected Thomas if he had asked.

“Yeah, you kind of did,” Dan said, looking like he found this whole thing entirely too funny. “Thomas really liked you, according to the gossip of the theatre geeks, but you never liked him back.”

But Phil had liked him back. The months from prom going into the summer, Phil had still liked Thomas a lot. But he did remember that they started to hang out less and less. Usually because Thomas stopped texting and asking if he wanted to hang out. Phil had been ready to accept whenever Thomas asked, but he had never been the one to text first. He never initiated it.

He hadn’t done that because he’d been scared, but had Thomas read that as disinterest? Could Phil really blame him if he did?

“I…”

“Wait,” Dan said and now his eyes were alight with interest. “You did like Thomas, didn’t you? Hold up, he was one of the five people, wasn’t he? With the letters?”

Phil didn’t appreciate how good Dan was getting at reading him. It was getting a little ridiculous. Phil knew the answer was written all over his face, but he decided to answer all the same.

“Yes.”

“Damn, you missed your mark with that one,” Dan said and then laughed but it sounded a little strained. “You know what? How about I teach you how to flirt and read interest while we’re at it with this whole thing?”

Phil glared at Dan, a little grumpily but it didn’t sound like that bad of an idea. If Dan was right in his assessment that people tried to ask Phil out without him realising, then he could probably use some lessons.

“Want to make it a rule?” Phil asked, pulling his notepad closer to him. “We need to have those, you know? We didn’t this weekend and I hated that I showed up at school just to be bombarded with all those looks and remarks about us dating.”

“You could just have texted, you know?” Dan said. “When I didn’t hear from you, I figured you’d forgotten about your stupid rules.”

“They’re not stupid,” Phil countered. “And how could I have texted you? I don’t have your number!”

Now it was Dan’s turn to look confused.

“Yeah, you do,” he said. “I haven’t changed it.”

“You haven’t…” Phil was talking before he realised what Dan had meant.

They had exchanged numbers. Three years ago, before Dan had gone to India for the summer. Phil remembered their sporadic attempts at conversation but Dan’s signal was always horrible and after a while Phil stopped trying to text him. He figured that they could just catch up when Dan was back in the country.

Rugby and new friends had entirely ruined that.

Phil had deleted Dan’s number around that time, when he felt like he didn’t recognise the boy he had befriended before the summer. The second the number was gone he had regretted it, but then he moved on, just like Dan had.

Or maybe Dan hadn’t if he still thought that they had each other’s numbers.

“Did you delete my number, Lester?” Dan asked, once again reading him too keenly. “That’s cold.”

Phil could deny it. Say he had gotten a new phone and the numbers hadn’t been transferred. He could even say that he had forgotten about it, but then he was worried that Dan would ask him to prove the existence of the number. Phil couldn’t do that.

“Sorry.”

Dan scoffed, but there was an almost hurt edge in it, even if he covered it up quickly. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone.

“Your number still the same?” Dan asked.

Phil nodded and a second later his phone buzzed in his pocket.

**+44 7597 877253**

twat

“That’s not very nice,” Phil said, but he was smiling. He hadn’t expected for Dan to keep hold of his phone number for so long. It probably didn’t mean anything, but Phil felt like it meant something.

“No worries,” Dan said with a stiff shrug. “Now you can reach me too. We would need each other’s numbers anyway.”

“Yes,” Phil confirmed. “But we’re doing this now. The rules.”

Phil wrote RULES across the top of a blank page. Dan looked less than amused, but he hadn’t left yet.

“Do we have to?”

“Yes.”

“You really do know how to suck the fun out of a situation, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Fine,” Dan huffed out and he made the word sound like a complaint. “What are your stupid rules?”

“Our rules,” Phil corrected again.

“Our rules, whatever.”

“Well, firstly, no kissing,” Phil said, writing down the first point on the list.

His words made Dan sit up abruptly. Phil was glad that he wasn’t just lounging on top of the table anymore because a lounging Dan was a distracting Dan, but he didn’t much like the look in Dan’s eyes right now.

“No kissing? Are you serious? How is anyone going to take us seriously if I can’t kiss you?” Dan complained. “That’s like literally what relationships are all about, well that and what comes after kissing.”

Dan wiggled his eyebrows in a way that was probably meant to be suggestive or maybe even fluster Phil. It might have if Dan didn’t look so utterly adorable.

“It’s non-negotiable,” Phil said. “I don’t… I don’t want to go around kissing you all the time. It’s weird. We can just be one of those non-PDA couples.”

Dan clicked his tongue. “Think you kind of ruined that one by planting one on me already, Lester. Besides, I have a reputation to uphold.”

“Weren’t we rectifying your reputation? So, people don’t think you just go around kissing and…”

“Fucking?” Dan said unashamedly.

“Sleeping with people,” Phil corrected, “just like that?”

“There’s a lot of leeway from one to the other,” Dan argued. “How do you expect anyone to buy that we’re dating if you won’t even let me touch you?”

“I didn’t say you couldn’t touch me,” Phil said.

“Oi, oi,” Dan said, biting into his lips and smiling encouragingly.

Phil shoved at Dan’s shoulder and he almost wanted to do it hard enough that he could roll him off the damn table and make him land on his ass. But Dan stayed put under Phil’s hand, barely moving.

“I didn’t mean like that,” Phil said, even if it was obvious and Dan was clearly just teasing. Maybe Phil should be a little surprised that he could read Dan so easily too.

“I bet I could teach you something on that front too,” Dan said, his smile morphing into a smirk.

“Shush,” Phil said, ignoring him. “No kissing, but you can hug me and hold my hand and stuff like that.”

He scribbled the extension under point 1.

“Can I touch your ass?” Dan asked playfully.

“No,” Phil said, sternly, finding it slightly easier to tune Dan out when he was occupied with writing.

“No fun,” Dan tutted.

“What else?”

“I want to beat your ass in Mario Kart then,” Dan said.

Phil was surprised. He didn’t know that Dan still played video games. They had never played together before but they had talked about it three years ago. Dan had challenged Phil to a game back then. It felt like a lifetime ago.

“You’re on,” Phil said, marking it down for point 2. “But I’m going to win.”

“Nah, you’re going to be eating my dust, Lester,” Dan said confidently. “Mark my words.”

Phil would be worried about Dan’s confidence, but he knew Dan acted confident constantly and surely some of it must be him just faking it. Phil was pretty confident in his video game abilities after having played so many games with Jack.

“Next, we can’t tell anyone that this is fake,” Phil said. “For obvious reasons.”

“Phil, I would rather chop my own arm off than snitch than admit that I entered into a pretend relationship with someone who won’t even let me kiss them.”

“Non-negotiable,” Phil muttered, as he took down the no snitching rule as point 3. “What else?”

Dan hummed in contemplation and then snapped his fingers.

“If we’re going sappy, then I could write you daily texts and you could post them on social media. At least that will give people something tangible to see about us. Besides, it’s the kind of cute shit that no one thinks I’ll be capable of.”

“Can you commit to that though?” Phil asked sceptically.

Dan seemed to approach life with a very casual attitude. He still did well in classes because he was smart and quick on his feet, but Phil hadn’t ever seen him actually study.

“Watch me, bitch,” Dan said, but even the swear word was said gently enough that Phil knew it wasn’t actively directed at him.

“I’ll write it down,” Phil said.

“Oh, and you have to come to my games and cheer for me. The parties afterwards too.”

“Really?” Phil said, and he knew he was pouting when he felt Dan’s eyes zero in on his lips.

“Yes, really. It would be weird if you didn’t go to the games to cheer on your boyfriend and frankly I need supervision at the parties, and distraction, or I might fall into old habits.”

Phil wondered how many people Dan had hooked up with at parties, but he quickly buried the thought when it made something in his stomach feel sour.

“Fine,” Phil relented. He wasn’t really looking forward to the parties. There seemed to be one almost every week. “But no two weekends in a row.”

“Buzzkill,” Dan said, but he sounded more amused than anything.

“Take it or leave it.”

“I’ll take it, and then I’ll teach you how to read when someone is interested. It will be the perfect space to observe what people do when they want to hook up or date someone else. I’ll teach you my ways, young padawan.”

Phil wasn’t sure what that kind of teaching would be like but he couldn’t deny that it would be interesting to see how Dan viewed the world of dating. Phil had a feeling it was startlingly different from how he viewed it.

Phil was still learning about and figuring himself out and frankly, he would take any help that might grant him clarity. It would also give them something to do at these parties, other than Phil just following Dan around like a lost puppy and trying to avoid drinking too much alcohol.

“6 rules seem like a good start, yeah?”

“Wait, we’ll have to go on the ski trip together too.”

“The ski trip?” Phil asked. “Isn’t that like two months from now?”

“Sure is,” Dan confirmed.

“Do you really think we’ll still be doing this for that long?” Phil asked, looking over the rules and suddenly feeling a little worried.

Dan seemed to pick up on his nerves and suddenly there was a hand on top of Phil’s where he was clutching the pen a little too hard again.

“We’ll have to convince them that it’s a steady relationship, yeah? A few months, at least, if it’s meant to convince anyone.”

Phil wondered once more if he was really aware of what he was getting himself into. Months of pretend dating Dan Howell and everything that came with it? He wasn’t sure that it was a good idea, all of the sudden.

It was as if Dan could hear his doubts and he moved their hands until Phil had to drop the pen and hold onto Dan’s hand instead. His palm was warm and sturdy and Phil wondered if it always felt this comforting to hold someone’s hand.

“You still in?” Dan asked, giving him an out, even if the rumours were already flying around. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

Phil took a moment to look at Dan and take him in. He was almost lying on his stomach now, legs hanging off the table and he was all up in Phil’s space again, but it didn’t feel as weird as it should have. It was like something was knitting itself back together, something that they had lost in the years that they hadn’t been talking.

The distance had been vast but now they were slowly moving back towards each other. Phil couldn’t say that he wasn’t intrigued. He wanted to know where this would lead, as insane as it was.

“I’m still in,” he confirmed with a nod and he was awarded a warm smile from Dan.

The gossip didn’t die down for two weeks. Phil almost got used to people watching him as he walked down the hallway. It was a little unnerving, but he had gotten better at interpreting their looks. At the heart of them was a curiosity that Phil knew he would have shared if Dan Howell suddenly started dating someone seriously.

Dan had kept his promise about sending cute texts, and he hadn’t missed a day yet. Dan over text was soft and fond and he sounded almost smitten. It was straight out of a romantic comedy and Phil had to remind himself that this was just Dan playing a role. Phil didn’t put up all the texts on social media, but he did start doing it a couple of times a week, just on his Instagram stories.

He had not been prepared for the many quick reaction message notifications that would tick in. Lots and lots heart eye emojis. Phil’s following had doubled in those first two weeks, even if Dan kindly reminded him that it wasn’t that difficult to double such a small number.

They had yet to get around to going to a party together or have that match in Mario Kart but Phil found that he didn’t mind if both of those were held off for a little longer. It had already been more than overwhelming to go see Dan play rugby.

Phil found that he really didn’t like that the players were so rough with each other and every time the ball came near Dan, Phil wanted to shout out for him to be careful. He would have made such a terrible trophy wife for a sportsman.

Jack had come around eventually, but it had taken longer than Phil thought it would. The Saturday following the horrible Monday morning where everything had felt like it was collapsing, Jack had shot him a simple text message.

**Jackieboy**

Come over. Imma beat your ass at a game

And that had been it, they had slotted back into their friendship pretty easily. Jack had tried to pry more details from Phil but Phil had pretended to be shy and said he wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. Jack had accepted it with a sceptic eyebrow raise.

Even with their friendship mended, Phil didn’t spend as much time with Jack as he usually would. He found himself pulled along by Dan on breaks and during lunch every other day and Phil was slowly getting to know Dan’s group of closest friends.

He had been a little terrified to meet them but they had been incredibly kind, much kinder than Phil would have thought.

Mark was the only one that seemed a little cold, but Phil had a feeling that had more to do with him and Jack still being mad at each other about whatever had happened between them in the past. Joe was another one of the rugby players and Phil was genuinely surprised to see such a small guy manage to kick everyone’s ass on the field. He was friendly right off the bat, welcoming Phil to the table heartily the first time Dan brought him over. Joe’s sister Zoe was another one of Dan’s friends. She was one of those pretty, popular girls that Phil had always been a little intimidated by, but he found that she was actually very kind and sweet. She was part of the group of girls always hanging around the rugby players but Phil had started to suspect she was mostly lingering there to keep an eye on her younger brother. Another friend of Dan’s who was more of a peripheral friend was Dodie, a music geek, who only really came by to ruffle Dan’s hair and remind him to practice piano.

Phil hadn’t even known that Dan played the piano.

It made him wonder if he had a type. Dan, Cornelia and Thomas were all musically-inclined. Connor had spoken very passionately about music and Lilly used to dance when she was younger. Phil had never been able to find a common thread between them but maybe it was music.

He was potentially the least musically talented student in the whole school but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t see the beauty in it. He found a lot of beauty in it frankly.

Phil had wanted to ask Dan about the piano playing from the second that Dodie skipped away from the table but the conversation changed too quickly for Phil to get a word in.

He didn’t really get another chance but he still found himself thinking about Dan playing the piano now and again. Mostly when Phil was looking at Dan and took note of his large hands. Dan had caught him a couple of times, smirking and wiggling his eyebrows and he seemed to be having a whale of a time imagining where Phil’s thoughts might be at. Phil didn’t have the heart to tell him that they were quite clean and boring, and not dirty like Dan seemed to think.

“Is everyone ready for the party at Mark’s tomorrow?” Joe asked, as they settled down for lunch in the cafeteria two weeks and a bit after Dan and Phil had started officially dating. Dan had dragged Phil to the rugby table today, pouting and demanding that they should hang out a little, because they hadn’t seen each other the past weekend.

“Party?” Dan asked. “It’s already time for Mark’s party?”

“Dan,” Zoe said, rolling her eyes, “we never suspected that getting a steady boyfriend would distract you from parties. This is quite something.”

“Shut up,” Dan muttered, shaking his head at the good-natured teasing. “I’ve just been busy.”

“Busy with your boy,” Joe continued on where his sister let up.

“You’re still coming, right, Howell?” Mark asked, glaring a little in Phil’s direction.

Phil hated that the cold attitude hadn’t begun to wear off yet. It was very intimidating to be at the end of one of Mark’s glares. He wasn’t even sure if Mark was mad because Dan was winning their stupid bet, or if it was because Dan was no longer single. There were lots of rumours about Dan and Mark, but Phil had yet to hear any of them confirmed by Dan.

He came close to asking a couple of times but had always chickened out.

“Yeah,” Dan said, swinging an arm around Phil’s shoulder. They had agreed to add that one to the list of acceptable touching, even if Phil couldn’t help but feel like it was personal and intimate to be pulled into Dan’s side like this. “We’re going.”

“You? Both?” Mark asked and he didn’t exactly sound surprised but there was a bit of a challenge in his voice. A lot of things were challenges with the rugby boys. “Can Lester keep up at one of our parties, you think?”

“He can when he’s got me to look after him, twat,” Dan said, but even the swear of a nickname was said with fondness. “I’m excited to show off my new boy, of course.”

Phil had laughed nervously at that, and the other people around the table had followed suit. Phil was not excited. He was not excited at all.

On the following Saturday, he managed to turn his whole closet upside down before he found something that he felt comfortable wearing. He figured you couldn’t really go wrong with black skinny jeans and a nice plaid shirt, even if he had been a little embarrassed about asking his Dad of the location of their iron. He had been obviously curious as to why Phil would need to iron a shirt on a Saturday evening, but he hadn’t pushed. He just offered to iron it.

However, it meant that Phil’s mum caught hold of the news and she cornered Phil when he walked out of the bathroom.

“Are you going out?” she asked, leaning against the doorway and blocking him in.

“Yeah,” Phil said. “Party at a friend’s house.”

Mark was hardly a friend but it was a private party with mostly people from school or the neighbouring schools. Besides, Phil wanted to reassure his mother, not make her ground him.

“You remember not to accept drinks from strangers, Phil,” she said, wagging a finger in his face.

“Mum,” Phil whined. “I know that. I’m eighteen. I’ve been to parties before.”

Calling them parties might be a bit of a stretch, but there had been large hang out sessions and, sometimes, people brought along beer. It had always counted in Phil’s book but he had a feeling that Mark’s party would be different.

“Just be careful,” she said, voice turning softer as she leaned in to peck Phil’s cheek. “My little boy is all grown up.”

“Mum,” Phil whined again.

He wondered what she would say when she found out that he had a certified official boyfriend for nearly three weeks now. It was really a miracle that the news hadn’t reached her nosy mum senses yet. Phil knew it was just a matter of time, but he wanted to keep it quiet for as long as possible.

Not that he was worried about her or his dad’s reaction, because they had both been so supportive when Phil had gone to prom with a guy. Frankly, he was more worried about Martyn’s reaction, but only because he hadn’t confided in his big brother like he used to.

He had his reasons for keeping quiet, obviously, but it was still odd.

The blow was lessened a little by Martyn being so far away. He stopped reaching out as often, busy with his new classes and all the new friends he was probably making. For a beat, Phil wondered if he should actually check up on Cornelia, but then he remembered the letter and cringed. It was probably better to keep his distance for a while longer.

There was a knock on Phil’s front door, and it startled him out of his thoughts.

“Phil? Your friends are here,” Phil’s father called from downstairs.

Phil frowned in confusion but descended the stairs all the same. He was surprised to see both Jack and Dan waiting on his doorstep. They were glaring just a little at each other, a lingering bit of hostility between them, even though they always tended to act nice when Phil was around both of them at school. As soon as they spotted him, they both shot him smiles and the hostility vanished like it had never been there in the first place.

He was a little surprised to see both of them here. He had told Jack about the party a couple of days before but he hadn’t seemed very interested at all and Phil had agreed to just meet with Dan in front of Mark’s house before going in together.

He had not expected either of them to show up at his house.

“Hey, guys,” Phil said and tried to ask a silent question with his eyes.

“Are we ready?” Dan asked, cheery and smiling. Clearly dialled up to his most charming.

“I guess?”

“Let’s go then, I’ve got us a cab out front,” Dan said. “And nice to properly meet you, Mr. Lester.”

Dan surprised Phil by reaching out to shake his father’s hand. Nigel looked a little surprised too but he took the hand and shook it. Phil needed to get this train out of here before his mother caught wind of what was happening in the hallway and she would descend upon a new face, or rather an old face, like Dan instantly.

Phil was pretty sure that his father didn’t remember his old friends, but his mother had the memory of an elephant. She could even remember the names of kids that Phil used to play with at pre-school. She would definitely remember Dan because a happy fifteen year old Phil had come home one day and announced that he had found a new best friend after Dan had only been in the class for about a week.

For the next year or so, she would enquire about Dan, but Phil dodged her questions until she stopped asking.

“Let’s go,” Phil said, grabbing both Jack and Dan by the arms and dragging them out to the taxi waiting at the curb. Phil was a little intimidated by the fact that they were going to take a taxi when Phil had just planned to ride his bike to Mark’s house.

As soon as the door shut behind them, they had all insisted on squeezing into the back of the cab with Phil in the middle, he asked them what the hell was going on.

“I don’t know what your friend here is doing, honey,” Dan said, laying it on thick, which he only ever seemed to do when he wanted to stake his claim over Phil. “I just wanted to surprise you and spare you the bike journey. Mark lives a bit out of the way.”

Jack grumbled in his seat next to Phil, crossing his arms but clearly trying to hold back a snide comment or two.

“There is no way I’m allowing you at one of Mark Ficshbach’s parties without a chaperone. You’ll be eaten alive,” Jack said, as if it was the most common-sense thing in the world.

But it wasn’t common-sense to Phil. Sure, he had heard that the rugby players had some wild parties, but he never heard any specifics. But he knew that Jack had the pulse on social gatherings because two years ago Jack had been part of that crew himself.

“He’s not alone,” Dan argued. “I’m going with him. I think I know how to protect my own boyfriend, thank you very much. And you’re exaggerating. It’s not that bad.”

“Yeah. It is.”

It was like their clear agreement to be civil was slipping away, even as Phil was sitting right between them. He couldn’t deal with their bickering, but he felt too guilty and conflicted to speak up. He considered being honest with Jack about his arrangement with Dan, but it felt a little too vulnerable. He thought it wouldn’t be a big deal, but he should have known better. It made him feel guilty because he was sure that Jack was tagging along to make sure Dan didn’t take advantage of Phil.

“Jack,” Phil said, turning to his friend, “Dan and I have a deal about these parties. I promise you that he will be looking out for me, but I’m glad you’re tagging along too. I’m always happy to hang out with you.”

Phil could hear the slight grumble from Dan behind him, but he ignored his fake boyfriend for a moment, in an attempt to reassure his real best friend.

It seemed to do the trick. Jack looked less nervous and he smiled genuinely.

“I hope you know what you’re doing, Phil,” Jack told him.

Phil reassured him that he did, but he was seriously reconsidering his words when he was standing in the busy hallway where everything smelled of booze and the music was too loud. Mark’s house was huge and it had been further away from Phil’s street than he realised. Phil was slightly scared to touch anything, but none of the other partygoers seemed to have those reservations. Phil was fairly sure that some drunk dude was drinking out of a vase that looked entirely too expensive.

There was a chorus of welcome cheers as they arrived. Most were directed at Dan, but quite a few people seemed to know Jack and welcome him back like he was a long lost friend. Perhaps, he was.

Jack was being pulled along for a game of beer pong almost immediately and he was never one to turn down a chance to play any game, but he didn’t leave before pulling Dan aside and whispering something in his ear.

Jack clapped Phil on the shoulder and told him that he had his phone on sound if he should need to reach him at any point.

“What did he tell you?” Phil asked Dan, having to lean a little further into his personal space because of the blaring music. They had migrated into what seemed to just be the first of many living rooms.

Phil was sticking to the wall like he was a prey animal and baring his back to the masses would leave him vulnerable to attack. It felt a little bit like that, with how he felt people’s eyes on him, looking ready to pounce with questions.

Or maybe they were just looking because Dan was almost plastered into his side.

“He was just being a good best friend. Warning me to look after you and take care of you, or he’d castrate me. You know, pretty standard. I expected it more from your father than your friend though.”

Phil was trying to wrap his head around all of that. Firstly, he could not imagine his father using such language ever, but he supposed that Nigel might be able to dig out some type of shovel talk if he had known one of the boys coming to Phil’s door was his boyfriend.

Phil still distinctly remembered his father joking about being happy he only had boys and he never had to worry about what fathers of daughters must. It had been said in jest, years ago, when Martyn had first started bringing Cornelia around, but the words had stuck with Phil.

They had burned a little because Phil hadn’t known for sure, but there was something in the pit of his stomach that told him that he wasn’t straight or straightforward at all.

Then again, his father had been very kind to Thomas, so maybe Nigel just didn’t have it in him to scare off potential boyfriends. Phil would be more worried about his mother, not because she would be unkind, but because she was very perceptive.

She’d probably see straight through him and Dan’s charade of a relationship.

“Do you know what you look like when you go into your head like that?” Dan asked, again leaning in a little closer to Phil. He mimicked his posture, back to the wall, but instead of hands awkwardly shoved into his pockets, Dan’s hands were playing with a bottle.

“What?” Phil asked, unsure if he had heard him right.

“You get these… thought spirals? Or something. You get this far away look in your eyes, like you zone out completely for minutes on end,” Dan said. He was standing so close that Phil could just barely feel the exhale of Dan’s breath on his skin.

“Oh, sorry,” Phil said, always used to apologising when his brain did that. Teachers at school tried to talk to him about it multiple times, but so far nothing had worked in being able to rein it in.

“You don’t need to apologise for that, Phil. Not in the slightest. It’s better than me lying face down on the carpet and contemplating the inconsequentiality of existence,” Dan mumbled.

The real vulnerability in Dan’s words shocked Phil.

He wanted to ask Dan more, but Dan was already moving on smoothly, blanketing his confession with more words to drown it out a little. 

“So, what do you think of your first proper party? Cool, right?”

Dan should have known that wasn’t possible with Phil. Sure, Phil might zone out and forget to listen but he remembered what people said. He could catch the change of pitch and his mind would fixate until he understood.

Phil looked over the living room and the clusters of people. One common denominator was that they were all drinking but they were broken up into different groups. Some were playing a drinking game with cards, shouting a little too loudly but having a good time. Some were dancing, mostly just doing weird meme dances. You could hear shouts from the beer pong table in the next room over. And throughout the scene Phil spied people paired up and breathing in each other’s company.

They didn’t look unlike him and Dan right now.

“Cool, yeah,” Phil said and leaned flat against the wall a little further away from Dan.

It didn’t help much, since Dan just moved in a little closer to bring them just as close as before.

“Phil, you look like you’re in the guillotine,” Dan said, flashing his teeth in a smile.

“No, I don’t,” Phil argued, crossing his arms.

Dan chuckled and finally leaned back fully against the wall. He took a swig of the beer in his hand and Phil most certainly didn’t follow the movement of his throat as he swallowed.

“Want me to get you something to drink?” Dan asked.

Phil had tried beer before and he was not a fan. He was also not here to get drunk; he wasn’t sure that was a good idea if Jack seemed so worried about him.

“I don’t like beer,” Phil said.

“I’m sure they have shots, too,” Dan said with a smirk as he took another drink of his beer. “Maybe we can do tequila body shots.”

“No,” Phil said, flushing. “Absolutely not.”

“Phil, I was kidding,” Dan said and rolled his eyes. “I’ll get you a coke. Just plain coke, yeah?”

Phil wasn’t sure why he had expected Dan to encourage him to drink. It just seemed like something Dan would do, wanting to pull him along on his drinking adventure. Phil had been warned about charming boys and peer pressure. He had expected it.

“Really?” he asked.

“Cross my heart,” Dan said, even going so far as to add the movement. It was a little endearing. “Give me a sec, yeah? Stay put.”

Phil wasn’t sure where Dan thought he would go. He didn’t really know anyone other than Jack. He spied Zoe and Joe playing the card game, but he didn’t really want to join them.

But he hadn’t needed to worry about being on his own, because Dan had been gone less than ten seconds before a couple of girls came up to him.

“Are you Dan’s boyfriend?” one of them asked and then they both giggled.

Phil flushed a little but he nodded all the same. It wasn’t like it was a lie. Officially, they were boyfriends.

“Really? How did you manage to lock that one down?” the other girl asked. “I thought Howell never got serious. How long has it been?”

Phil could give them the exact date of the start of the pretend relationship but he didn’t really think that it was any of their business. Phil also didn’t want to be rude.

“A bit,” he just said non-committedly.

“Seriously, spill the deets, Paul!”

“Err… my name is Phil?” Phil said, confused.

“Oh, right,” one of the girls said. “Well, you’re-”

“Darling, is everything alright?” Dan asked, walking up to the three of them. Phil was thankful for the nickname for once. Right now he didn’t mind being claimed if it got him out of this awkward conversation.

The girls giggled a little but there was an air of coldness around them now.

“Hi, Daniel,” the brunette girl said. “How have you been?”

“Great, Tiffany, except I told you not to call me that,” Dan said, smiling. “Now, if you’ll excuse us.”

Dan had a can in one hand and a beer bottle in the other, but he still managed to sneak his arms under Phil and start pulling him along. Phil could hear the girls’ offended huff behind them, but Dan didn’t pay them any mind. He just situated himself and Phil into a quiet corner of the living room.

“Sorry about that,” Dan said and gave Phil and the unopened can of coke. Phil was touched by that detail. He didn't actually think Dan would try to sneak him alcohol or anything else, but it was still a nice gesture when he knew Phil was a little nervous about being here.

“Do you know them?” Phil asked, cracking open his coke and sipping it slowly.

“One of my ex hook-ups and her friend,” Dan said, casually. “She was a little mad that we didn’t get serious, even though I was upfront about that when we started sleeping together. I guess she thought I’d change my mind.”

Phil’s head was spinning a little at this revelation. He had known it already, kind of, but it was different hearing it stated so plainly. Phil couldn’t imagine sleeping with someone without getting feelings involved. Frankly, he couldn’t imagine wanting to sleep with someone without having serious feelings involved prior.

He was curious, but he wasn’t sure if Dan was the right one to ask. He couldn’t even blame his loose lips on any form of alcohol consumption. He wasn’t sure a sugar high from soda counted. 

“Do you do that often?” he asked, almost timidly and then lifted his can to his mouth to stop more questions coming out.

Dan took another sip of his beer bottle, still a picture of casualness. “Sleep with people without getting serious? Yeah, I guess that’s my whole deal.”

“But how do you do that?” Phil asked, unable to stop the question.

“What do you mean how? Do you mean the logistics of sleeping with someone? I mean, I can teach you about sex if you want-”

“Shut up,” Phil mumbled and hit Dan’s shoulder slightly. “I didn’t mean like that. Just… isn’t it vulnerable to have sex with someone? How can you do that when you don’t know them? When you don’t trust them?”

Phil was a little mortified, but he got distracted by the sheer confusion on Dan’s face. He opened and closed his mouth a few times before it seemed that he got his words in order.

When he spoke, his voice was a little hushed and Phil leaned in better to be able to hear him.

“I don’t know, Phil… It’s just… physical attraction, you know? I see someone pretty and I just want to sleep with them. I want the pleasure of sleeping with someone and then it doesn’t really matter how I get there? It’s not like there’s a lot of talking involved. Mouths are often otherwise occupied.”

“Don’t be gross,” Phil said, wrinkling his nose.

Dan laughed and it sounded so much more boisterous now. Maybe because Phil was still so close to him, or maybe because he was on his second beer.

“You asked,” Dan just said, taking another drag from his beer. “It’s usually a bit of a clumsy thing, really, sleeping with someone. Like… having to do a dance together and not knowing any of the choreography. You stumble your way through it. But… I guess I still like sleeping with new people without strings more than the alternative.”

“Alternative?”

“Being in a committed relationship. Now  _ that’s _ scary. Because there is so much more at stake. What if it turns out to be bad? Or awkward?”

“But wouldn’t it be better to know your partner? Don’t you think it would make you familiar with that choreography or whatever? And you could talk, you know? Work things out, instead of just fumbling.”

Dan seemed to consider it for a moment.

“I suppose. Hey, can I ask you a bit of an invasive question?” Dan asked and Phil was instantly worried. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, though.”

It eased the creeping anxiety a little, even if Phil was still worried what type of question would leave Dan’s mouth. He was worried that it would be dirty or gross.

Phil wasn’t even sure how he’d just had a conversation about sex without feeling bad. It wasn’t something he talked about often with his peers, even if he knew that a lot of his fellow students had had sex by now. One thing that kept him from talking about it was the fact that people had always seemed to think his attitude towards it was weird.

But Dan didn’t make fun of him. He seemed to listen carefully and consider Phil’s words.

“You can ask,” Phil said nervously, and then took a too big gulp of his coke.

“Why have you never dated anyone?”

That was arguably a lot tamer than Phil had imagined but he was glad for it, even if he was a little confused.

“What do you mean?”

“You said you’ve liked five people seriously enough to pour your heart out on paper to them, right?” Dan asked, dropping his voice even lower. Phil nodded and shuffled a little closer and their heads were almost knocking into each other. “Why did you never try to ask any of them out? Okay, maybe not Cornelia but I’m guessing not all of them were taken.”

“Weren’t you the one who said I couldn’t read when people were interested?” Phil asked.

“I mean, yeah, but still,” Dan said and there was something in his eyes that Phil couldn’t identify properly. “And I’m not saying it’s wrong to not have relationships, or not have sex, or whatever, seriously, you do you, but… I guess I’m just curious.”

“I do want a relationship,” Phil said, almost timidly. A confession. “I guess I just… I don’t want to have a relationship for the sake of having a relationship. I want to find someone who I can trust, someone whom I can talk to and someone who…”

“Who?” Dan prompted.

“Who doesn’t mind that I need to know them properly before jumping into anything physical. Do you really think a lot of people would like if their boyfriend wasn’t even sure if he wanted to kiss them until like a month into the relationship?”

Dan hummed. “I think the right person wouldn’t mind, Phil. However physical you wanted to be with them.”

Dan was too open and understanding and it always seemed to make Phil lower his barriers. These were thoughts and insecurities that had made a home in his heart for so long. He knew that people had relationships without sex, or kisses, but those were rare. An anomaly. Most people wanted kisses and sex and everything. They would look at a hot person and imagine what it would be like taking them to bed.

Phil’s brain didn’t work like that.

“Yeah, maybe, but it’s just scary, Dan. So… it feels like it’s better to avoid seeking anyone out altogether. Saves everyone the trouble.”

Dan shook his head, a little in disbelief. “I don’t think anyone would see you as trouble, Phil.”

There was a soft edge in Dan’s words and it melted Phil’s heart a little too much.

“You have to say that as my pretend boyfriend,” Phil joked. “You have to be nice to me.”

“Actually, I believe I owe you some lessons in explaining attraction, do I not?” Dan said and straightened up a little.

Phil hadn’t realised that they had both ducked their heads to whisper together. But he was happy with a distraction from this conversation. It was getting a little too real and vulnerable.

“Alright, enlighten me.”

“Firstly, never say that again,” Dan said, pointing a finger right in Phil’s face. Phil made a move to snap his teeth out after it and Dan pulled away with both a look of shock and a smile. “Alright, tell me what you see? There’s like three couples in progress in this room right now.”

Phil turned to face the room, even if he was a little sad to leave Dan’s eyes and he was pleased with himself when he managed to pick out at least one couple. Granted, it wasn’t very difficult since they currently looked like they were trying to eat each other’s face.

“Who is there other than the kissers?” Phil asked.

“Oh, they’re not a couple in making,” Dan said with a shake of his head. “They’re probably going to hook up, but you want to know about couples. The romantic shit. Here, I’ll give you hints. Middle of the sofa, hallway and dance floor.”

Phil’s eyes swept over all three places but he didn’t see anything unusual. They all just looked like friends hanging out. There were several people dancing together, but in groups rather than couples.

“You’ll have to help me.”

“Okay,” Dan said, but he sounded excited. “Middle of sofa, right? That girl is leaning right into the boy’s side, and they both keep reaching out to touch each other, just small and quick lingering touches. Really that can be nothing, but they’re both a little tipsy and doing it again and again. It says something about intention.”

Phil’s eyes went back to the sofa and now that Dan had explained it, he could see it better. But more than the touches, he also noticed how both the boy and girl kept looking at each other when they thought the other one wasn’t looking. It was very cute.

“And then the dance floor. There’s like five girls dancing together, right? But look at the one in the pantsuit and the one with the flannel shirt. Those two keep getting all up in each other’s faces and I’m pretty sure I’ve seen two pretend accidental butt grazes. Girls might be generally more touchy with their friends, but I’m betting there’s not just platonic feelings there.”

Those two girls did stand out to Phil now that he looked at them closer. But again, he felt himself more drawn to how they seemed to interlock and intertwine their fingers, spinning from one side of the dance floor to the other to come crashing into each other’s arms.

“And then the hallway. You see those two boys? They’re all up in each other’s faces but they’re not pushing forwards. They’re just lingering there, in front of each other and breathing the same air. Maybe they’re trying to figure their attraction out. Maybe they’re closeted and they would blame the closeness on the alcohol if you asked, but there’s definitely intentional lingering.”

Phil couldn’t see the two boys very well. They were standing so close that it was hard to see where one began and the other ended. Phil hoped that if they were indeed boys still not sure about their sexuality and that they would be given all the time they needed to figure it out, maybe in each other’s company.

“So, the two boys are the most like you?” Phil asked.

“Like me?” Dan asked, huffing out a laugh. “How do you figure?”

“You always crowd people in against lockers at school,” Phil argued.

“I do what?” Dan asked and now fully laughing.

“I’ve seen you do it,” Phil said.

Dan was sent into a full laughing fit and he reached over to steady himself on Phil’s shoulder. Dan’s hand was warm and nice.

“Okay,” he said, letting the last of his laughter flow out. “I guess I do something a little similar, but mine is not mindless longing, it’s more… building anticipation, if you will.”

Phil was too curious for his own good. It was the only explanation for the next words out of his mouth.

“Show me.”

It seemed to have caught Dan off guard as well.

“Excuse me?”

“I…. I said, I said show me,” Phil said. He wasn’t sure where the desire to be at the other end of one of the famous Howell crowd-ins had come from, but he could feel it now. Sharp and demanding to be acknowledged. He didn’t want to be kissed silly, not like he had seen Dan do to people at school, but he didn't think he would mind the crowding in.

For a moment, Phil worried that Dan would laugh at him or refuse, but he should have known he couldn’t predict Dan Howell. Dan reached out to take the nearly empty can of coke from Phil’s hand and he sat it down on the floor next to their feet along with his own beer bottle. Then he turned to Phil and there was a different glint in his eye this time.

“I’ll show you, yeah?”

“Okay,” Phil gulped.

“Just… tell me to back off at any time and I’ll stop, yeah?”

“You’re not going to kiss me, right?” Phil asked, suddenly worried that Dan had misunderstood.

“No, I understand that’s a big no-no from all your apologies a few weeks ago. Besides, we’ve got a rule that says no kissing.”

Right. The rules. The rules that were meant to make this whole thing easier. Phil wasn’t sure where crowding in would feature in the rules but he was too curious to call it off.

Dan planted a hand on either side of Phil’s head and he slowly started to move in. Phil felt a little trapped but not in a bad way. Dan was moving very slowly, head a little tilted and a smile on his lips. His eyes looked like they sparkled. Phil felt like he couldn’t even hear the background music very well anymore. All of his senses went into keeping his eyes on Dan.

Dan wasn’t even doing anything but just the look in his eye had Phil paralysed and mesmerised.

“I’d start like this,” Dan said in a hushed voice. “Get all up in your space, make it so that it was only the two of us, no matter how busy the room might be around us. We’re the only two that exist.”

Phil nodded, unable to find his voice.

“Then I’d probably reach a hand down,” Dan said, pulling his left hand from the wall, “and just slightly touch your side or your hip. Just a soft touch, a reminder that I’m here. A reminder that you’re allowing me to be here.”

“But how can you know?” Phil asked.

“If they want you in their space, you mean?” Dan asked.

“Yeah.”

“Body language, mostly. But otherwise, I’m also a fan of asking, you know, like: ‘is this okay?’. Consent is sexy as hell. But the best part of being up this close, is that they can’t really hide from you. We get vulnerable when there’s people in our space, and our desires become more easily painted on our face.”

As Dan said that, he was looking at Phil’s face very intensely. Eyes scanning and observing. If Phil had been braver, he would have asked Dan what he saw on Phil’s face. Phil frankly wasn’t sure what was going on. He was too busy looking at Dan, taking in the squishiness of his face, smelling his cologne and feeling his warm palm still lingering on Phil’s hip.

And just as quickly as Dan had crowded him in, he moved back, leaning his back against the wall next to Phil. Phil felt like his breathing had run away from him just a little, but he could get it under control now. He could breathe more normally when he didn’t have Dan all up in his space.

Dan cleared his throat.

“But really, what you want to look for is all the small things that people do when they like someone. That’s much more telling,” Dan went on.

“Such as?” Phil asked. He was still curious even if his head was spinning a little.

“Making any excuse to spend time with the person that they like. Anything at all to ensure that you can spend more time in their company, no matter how silly,” Dan said and there was something in his tone, a bit of truth and vulnerability. “Let’s go do more people watching.”

They spent a good three hours people-watching, drinking soda and beer, and Phil had to admit that he had fun. He had even been roped into a beer pong contest with Dan going against Mark and Joe. They had all agreed that Dan would just drink the beers on their side of the table. He ended up drinking all of them because Phil turned out to be a terrible shot and Dan kept insisting that he have every other turn.

It was only a little past midnight by the time they made it outside, ready to go home. Dan had insisted on hailing yet another taxi for them, even if Phil was fairly certain that Dan didn’t have the most money. Jack had still been inside, partying up a storm and looking like a fish being let back into the ocean. Phil had only left him there when Jack promised to text when he left and when he got home.

Dan was a little worse for wear after the beer pong loss, but Phil discovered that a drunk Dan Howell was just a bit touchier and a lot flirtier. He kept complimenting Phil’s eyes and his ass, then he would giggle and tell Phil that it was a secret.

The taxi stopped at Phil’s house first and Phil managed to sneak the driver the money for the trip, including the rest of the journey for Dan, when Dan was a little too busy hanging out of the window and raving about fresh air.

Before the car could pull away from the curb, Dan locked his hand around Phil’s wrist.

“Did you have fun?” he asked, and his voice went back to a normal volume, instead of his loud drunk ramblings.

Dan looked a little worried.

“I had a lot of fun,” Phil said honestly. “Thank you for looking after me and making the night fun.”

“I like taking care of you,” Dan said and his voice was so sincere that it almost felt like a punch to the gut.

“Maybe you need someone to take care of you too,” Phil commented, seeing how Dan was still clinging onto his wrist, hanging halfway out the window of the taxi.

“Will you?” Dan asked, surprising Phil entirely.

He hadn’t expected to hear something like that, not even in jest. He wasn’t sure how to reply. Dan was slightly drunk, sure, but he didn’t seem gone. His eyes looked expectant.

Phil didn’t want to give him an answer that would take any of the light out of those eyes.

“Goodnight, Dan,” Phil said instead, and he leaned in to press a quick kiss to Dan’s cheek. He wasn’t sure what possessed him to do it, but it got Dan to let go of his wrist, if only to gently touch his fingertips to where Phil’s lips had been a moment prior.

“Night, Phil,” Dan said, looking at Phil with an expression that was muddled by too many emotions.

The driver clearly had enough of their antics and he started up the car and drove away.

After a thankfully dreamless sleep, Phil enjoyed his Saturday helping his mother in the garden. She had tried to question him on what had gone on at the party, but he hadn’t given her nothing more than the superficial recount.

He had gone with friends; he had fun and he didn’t drink anything other than soda. She sounded proud even as she tried to pry more details out of him.

When Martyn called the house in the evening Phil, for the first time in weeks, didn’t pretend he was busy when his mother tried to get him on the phone. Martyn sounded surprised to hear Phil’s voice and Phil’s heart broke at the distance he had put between them.

They didn’t talk about Cornelia, or Martyn being gone, or any of the other topics that would stir up trouble. Instead, Martyn recounted how one of his roommates had tried to cook in the middle of the night and had started the fire alarm so everyone in the building had to evacuate. Phil told him about the first few weeks of school and how he was helping Jack edit some of the gaming videos he uploaded onto YouTube and how often he had to bleep out the swear words.

It was nice. Normal.

What was not normal was the notification that came on Sunday night from Skype. Phil hadn’t used Skype in a while. He had only really gotten it to talk to one person, so he shouldn’t have been surprised to see Lilly’s ID.

But it had been at least half a year since they had a Skype call. They had agreed to do monthly calls after she had gone back to Canada. Lilly had been the one insisting because she said she had felt like a fully fledged Lester family member after having stayed with them a semester. She had wanted to be kept up to date with everything. But as time went on, they had gotten busy with other things.

Phil had been too busy with his new pretend boyfriend and the start of school to remember to worry about the remaining letters. One of which had gone to Lilly.

Phil cursed under his breath. He wanted to decline the call but he would only be delaying the inevitable, so he put on his big boy pants and pressed accept.

Lilly was just as pretty and bubbly as she had always been, Phil realised just about two seconds into the call.

“Phil! Hello! How are you? I’ve missed you,” she said, speaking loudly and waving her hands around. “Sorry, I haven’t called in a while.”

“Hi Lilly, and I think that’s just as much on you as it is me,” Phil said.

He had been worried, he still was, but he was very happy to see that Lilly was still as easy to talk to as ever. He had always liked that about her. She had walked into his family and instantly carved out a space for herself. She had made Phil feel less intimidated by girls and what he had thought were their mysterious ways.

“Yeah, of course, takes two to tango and all that,” she said, still smiling brightly. “How is everything across the pond?”

“Okay,” Phil said, a little hesitantly. “Martyn went away to university, in Scotland, so that’s… yeah.”

“Hard,” Lilly said for him. She had always loved that Phil and Martyn had been so close and she said that it had really made her want to get closer to her sister as well, not let petty things get between them. “He’s important to you.”

“Yeah,” Phil agreed, but it was more complicated than that. Guilt had mixed in with missing him. “But I spoke to him yesterday and he’s doing really well. Up to no good.”

“And how are you?”

It felt a bit like a leading question.

“I’m doing alright.”

Lilly hummed. “Okay, so I don’t want to make things awkward but did… did you send me a letter?”

And there it was. Of course, it was what had prompted her to call.

“I didn’t,” Phil said, “I mean, I didn’t send it. It was sent by mistake, but I did… I did write it. A while ago.”

“Yeah,” Lilly said, nodding. “I suspected. But that’s cool. Actually, it was quite lovely to hear that I’m your bisexual awakening or something.”

Bisexuality had never quite fit him. “Or something, I guess. Gosh, did I write about that in the letter? How embarrassing.”

“No way,” Lilly was quick to say. “It’s cute, really, Phil… and… it made me think about myself, and one of my close friends.”

“Oh?” Phil said, not sure where this was leading.

“Yeah, so, okay, maybe I might not be part of your bi awakening but I think maybe you started me down the path of mine? I’m pretty sure I’m bi.”

Phil had not expected that, not at all. But he was proud of her all the same, and only a little envious that she seemed to be able to pick a label so easily. Or maybe it hadn’t been easy, he shouldn’t assume.

“That’s wonderful, Lilly!” Phil said. “I don’t think I had anything to do with that but that’s very cool.”

“You did, though,” Lilly said. “Or your words did. But yeah. You won’t be hurt if I say I don’t feel the same about you, right?”

Past Phil would have been hurt at hearing that but present Phil felt much more able to deal with it. His heart was currently very confused, but it had moved on from Lilly a while ago.

“Not at all. Just silly crush stuff, right? And I’m kind of… in a relationship or something,” Phil confessed.

Even if it wasn’t a real one, he kind of wanted to talk to someone about it. He still could not get over the look in Dan’s eyes when he had hung halfway out the taxi door.

Lilly squealed at the news and offered him congratulations and then they fell back into their easy conversation like it hadn’t been months. Too quickly the Skype call had run over an hour and Phil still had a bit of homework to do before bed.

“I need to go, homework is calling,” Phil said apologetically.

“No worries. Go, be a diligent student,” she said. “But let’s catch up again in a month or so, yeah?”

“Yes,” Phil agreed easily. “And hey, one last thing?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you still have the letter?”

“Of course!” Lilly said and she sounded almost offended. “It’s important to me, Phil. Like I told you.”

It wasn’t like Phil could ask her to send it back after that, but he still wanted to know what was in it.

“Can you send me a photo of it? I think, I think I’d like to read it.”

“No problem,” she said. “I’ll email it right over.”

Not five minutes after they had gotten off Skype there was an email from iisuperwomanii@gmail.com. Phil remembered how she had been a little embarrassed about her email back when she had stayed here but she evidently hadn’t changed it since then. It was not like Phil could say anything with amazingphil@gmail.com as his own.

He clicked on the email and, after a steadying breath, he opened the attachment.

It was a photo of the letter, and he could just spy Lilly’s fingers in the corner of the image, holding the paper flat.

_ Dear Lilly Singh, _

__

_ I can’t believe you’re leaving. It feels like you just got here and yet, it also feels like you’ve always been here. The guest room isn’t a guest room anymore. It’s your room. _

_ You’re so effortlessly cool and charismatic that I was a little intimidated at first. I was sure that you wouldn’t let anyone at school know that you lived at my house. But you announced it so happily, and you made me feel like I was cool too, just by association. _

_ I like that you taught me how to braid your hair. I don’t think I ever told you, but it’s very nice. You’re very nice. _

_ You can make the absolutely ugliest expressions I’ve ever seen, which really is a feat because you’re beautiful. Yes, you are. Don’t argue. _

_ It took me a long time to realise that I liked you. It feels slightly different with you than the boys that caught my attention before. But you make my heart beat just as fast. _

_ I hate that you’re slipping out of my fingers before I can ever tell you any of this. _

_ But I don’t hate you, not even a little bit. _

_ I love you. _

__

_ Love, Phil Lester _

Phil read the letter and again he felt something weird in his gut, just like when he had read Thomas’ letter. It was weird and vulnerable and a door to the past he had left behind in many ways. There was still some part of present Phil in there.

The fear was there again, at the forefront of everything. Fear that made Phil hesitate every step of the way. It wasn’t surprising, considering he wrote those letters because he didn’t have the guts to say anything in person, but it was still something.

Would he continue to let himself be scared?

He had told Dan that he wanted a relationship but how could you get one if you weren’t willing to face your fear? Phil could pour his heart out on paper but only because he had been sure that the words would never be read.

He didn’t want to be afraid anymore.

He wanted to be brave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, there's a lot of scenes in this that I love. What about you? Anything catch your attention? It's the longest chapter yet and it also got longer than initially planned but that's just what happens, you know? I think I'm also discovering that secret mutual pining is something I enjoy so much, especially when they're both dumbasses. I hope you liked this chapter and please let me know your thoughts in the comments below (I will reply after August only, but reading them now keeps my writing motivations high).
> 
> Next update should be ready to go up on Monday, around 8 PM CEST if all goes according to plan. *fingers crossed*
> 
> PEDIA is officially halfway done now and it's going to be a lot of work to get everything ready, so encouragements are very welcome too.


	4. Connor's letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil was spending more and more time with Dan and he was really getting to know who he was behind the bravado. Dan's family situation was a mystery to everyone at school but Phil is suddenly pulled into it without meaning to get involved. At least, he can take Dan home and show him what supportive parents look like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Shitty parents, homophobia and disregard for teenager's mental health, mentions of depression (sounds bad but I promise Phil makes Dan feel a lot better). As always, thank you so much to my beta who looked this over and made sure everything was neat and clear.

Phil for once in his life decided to be proactive. Other than Cornelia, there was only one of the other five recipients that Phil hadn’t talked to. Talking to Cornelia was still very much too intimidating, so instead Phil decided to work his way up to her.

He found Connor on Facebook of all places and sent him a message.

_Hey Connor. I’m sorry to reach out of the blue, but you won’t really be surprised to hear from me if you’ve read the letter. I just want to apologise. It was never meant to be sent and I don’t have those emotions anymore. You’re lovely, of course, but it’s from years ago. Remember camp? Yeah, I wrote it after that. Anyway, sorry for being so awkward. I hope you’re well._

It wasn’t at the quality of one of his love letters but it would have to do. He knew he would agonise over the words if he let himself think about it too much. Now at least, Connor would have closure potentially before even reading the letter.

Lilly’s letter had taken a long time to make its way to Canada, and Phil wasn’t sure when the letter would get to Connor in America.

For once, Phil was doing something proactively and it felt really good.

The feeling lasted barely a few hours.

Connor hadn’t read the message yet. He hadn’t even opened it. Phil was suddenly worried that he had sent it to a wrong Connor Franta, even if he didn’t think that it was such a common name. He had doubled checked and the photos were definitely of Connor, even if his profile photo was last updated a year ago.

Phil couldn’t quite shake the anticipation as the week continued. Most of the time, he was distracted by Dan or Jack or Dan’s friends who were, strangely, slowly becoming his friends too. Jack started to mope about Phil going over to sit with other people at lunch so much, so Dan made the executive decision to pull Jack along too. Mark glared at him a little for that one, but Jack had pointedly ignored it and instead set about charming all of the new potential friends, or old friends. It didn’t take long before he was laughing and telling stories and Phil saw Jack back in his social element again.

He had always had such a candid approach and he made friends easily.

“You’re really cute, you and Dan,” Zoe said to him one of the days at lunch. He had ended up between her and Dan but Dan had just jumped up from his seat insisting that him and Mark should arm wrestle to figure out who was the stronger one.

“Oh?” Phil asked, hoping he didn’t look as caught off guard as he felt by her words.

“Yes,” she said, still only speaking loud enough that he could hear. “You’re good for him. He’s… brighter, with you around. I hope he’s good for you too.”

Mark let out a yell of triumph that definitely drew too many eyes in their direction but no one would dare to tell the rugby boys to quiet down. Dan was a sore loser even at the best of times and he moved back to sit next to Phil and proceeded to lean all of his weight onto him too.

“I lost,” he mumbled, lips pulling into a pout.

Phil suppressed a giggle and reached up to ruffle Dan’s hair affectionately. It wasn’t often he was allowed to touch Dan’s hair, since Dan insisted that Phil would just mess it up. But at times like this, when Dan was distracted and preoccupied, Phil took full advantage.

“You shouldn’t have made the bet then,” Phil said, letting a smile sneak through.

“Hey, you’re supposed to be on my side!” Dan whined and leaned his face into Phil’s neck. That was a new thing, and Dan’s lips were really close to Phil’s throat like this, but Phil was surprised to find that he wasn’t uncomfortable.

Dan wasn’t doing anything; he just pushed his face against Phil almost like he was a kitten asking for pets. Phil’s hand ended up on Dan’s back naturally enough.

For the rest of the week, Zoe’s words had been stuck in Phil’s head. It wasn’t exactly the first time anyone had commented on his and Dan’s relationship but it was the first time someone had said it like it was something so innocent.

The other comments were usually more baffled or jealous in quality, some even crudely saying that Dan had mellowed out now that he was getting laid more consistently. However, Zoe had just sounded so happy for them. She had called Phil good for Dan and he wasn’t sure what to make of that.

Phil just knew that he thought that present Dan was a lot of fun to be around. However, he wasn’t sure how to compare Dan from before they had started fake dating to how he behaved now. Phil had only been watching from afar and now he was all up in Dan’s space all the time.

The anxiety over the unanswered message to Connor started to fade into the background of his worries. And Phil had, somewhat cowardly, decided that he would wait to confront Cornelia about it until after he had heard from the American. It was nothing more than a delaying tactic but Phil let himself have that. He had so many more things on his plate already, with Dan.

Life was okay, in a way that he hadn’t thought it would be with Martyn gone.

He had more friends than ever, and a… Dan. Boyfriend, kind of. Even if they were just acting like friends most of the time. Phil had been wondering if Dan would suddenly insist that they should step up the relationship aspect to make it more believable that they really were together but Dan had never pushed once.

He made the school days much more fun, which was probably why it was so noticeable when Dan was suddenly absent one Thursday. Dan had sent a sappy good night text the night before, like he so often did, but nothing in the morning.

Dan wasn’t as reliable about the morning texts, often oversleeping and then having to rush to school.

However, Dan missing in the cafeteria was unusual.

“Where’s your boyfriend?” Jack asked, as they both noticed that Dan’s absence.

“Err… I don’t know?” Phil answered honestly. He pulled his phone out to check if he had any messages from Dan.

Nothing.

Phil opened their text conversation and he couldn’t help but smile a little at the stupid nickname the contact was saved under, after Dan had insisted that he couldn’t just be saved as ‘Dan Howell’.

**Danny Bear**

may your dreams tonight be as gentle and sweet as you are

Hey

Are you skipping lunch?

You’re not in the cafeteria

They weren’t the most elegant of messages, especially under Dan’s cute line from last night but it was the best he could do in this situation.

“Lester!” someone called from the rugby table, one of the players that Phil kept forgetting the name of. “Where’s Howell?”

“I don’t know?” Phil called back, which seemed to confuse the rugby player and all the people around them.

“Isn’t he your boyfriend?”

“Yes.”

“So shouldn’t you-”

“You know what?” Jack said, suddenly and loudly. “I want to eat outside today. Let’s go, Phil.”

Jack very rudely pulled him away from the conversation but Phil was more than a little grateful. He didn’t even talk about Dan, at least not while they were still eating. It was only when Phil was packing up their stuff that Jack brought him up again.

“You texted him, right?”

Phil hummed in confirmation.

“Did he reply?”

Phil pulled out his phone, looking at the screen with no new notifications. He shook his head.

“Hmm.”

“Why do you ask?” Phil asked, suddenly more worried if Jack was genuinely worried.

“It’s just odd, isn’t it? Why wouldn’t he give you a heads up, if he was busy or out sick or something?”

Phil agreed with that but he couldn’t let this opportunity to tease Jack pass him by.

“Hold up, are you saying you’re worried? About Dan? Dan Howell, who you called a pretentious emo and wannabe jock like a few months ago?”

Jack snorted. “I don’t recall saying that.”

“Liar,” Phil said, good-heartedly.

“Alright, so maybe I misjudged him a little. I thought he was like Mark. Mark… he’s actually not what I remembered exactly either. Maybe, I’ve been too hard on all of them. But Dan at least… you could say he’s in my good graces now.”

“Oh? Why?” Phil asked interested, swinging his backpack over his shoulder as he stood up from their spot by the tree. It was really a bit too cold to eat outside on the ground in late September but they had both toughed it out to get their privacy and evade unwanted questions.

“Because I’ve never quite seen you like this before.”

“Like what?” Phil asked, curious.

“Happy, I guess,” Jack said with a shrug. “Dan’s brought you out of your shell and he seems to respect you a lot. I’ve seen how uncomfortable you get with a lot of other people, particularly when they get physically close to you. And you just don’t. With Dan, I mean. It seems like you’ve really figured out your boundaries and that’s healthy and not something I expected from someone with his history.”

Phil felt a little bad that Jack was praising something that they had written down as a list of rules for their fake relationship until he realised that it went much further than that. Dan liked to lean into Phil’s space a lot or take his hand and play with it, intertwining and unlocking their hands repeatedly but he was always watching Phil for his reaction and pulled back when Phil looked uncomfortable.

None of that was in the rules. That was all Dan.

“Yeah,” Phil said, checking his phone again, and deciding to send another message.

**Danny Bear**

I miss you today

I hope everything is okay

Could you text me just to let me know that everything’s okay?

Dan wasn’t in Phil’s afternoon history class either and Phil found that he missed Dan there too. He missed the way Dan would pull funny faces whenever the teacher got a little too wrapped up in some minor detail and ranted for too long. They had timed the teacher’s mini rants and so far the record was 12 minutes and 11 seconds. That had been a fun day.

The class was a lot duller without Dan and it made Phil wonder how he had gotten through history classes before he had Dan to offer him small moments of reprieve and dimpled smiles.

“You will all receive this book,” the teacher said, slapping his hand on top of a huge pile of books. “And there will be a test on Tuesday based on the first two chapters, so study up.”

Every single student in the room let out a groan. Even Phil wasn’t very keen to see his weekend be swallowed up by more school work but it wasn’t like he had a choice. None of them did.

“Oh, there was an absent student today, wasn’t there?” the teacher said all of a sudden. “Dan Howell. Ah, yes, the trouble maker. Would anyone like to volunteer to take a book to his home?”

It was silent for a beat before quite a few hands shot up. Phil looked around at the students in confusion, because none of these people were someone that he knew to be friends of Dan’s. Then he remembered that no one really knew much about Dan’s family and they might use this as an opportunity to snoop.

“Woah,” the teacher said. “That’s a lot of hands. You’re all close friends of this student? Wait, where’s… Ah, there you are.”

He was looking right at Phil, who just wanted to sink through the floor.

“I see the two of you snickering and passing notes back and forth all the time,” he continued, walking up to Phil’s spot with a book in hand. Phil felt frozen and like he was about to get severely scolded. He didn’t actually think that anyone had noticed his and Dan’s goofing off but maybe they hadn’t been as subtle as Phil had thought.

“Yes?” Phil said, nervously.

“Take this to your friend, will you?” the teacher said and dumped the book on Phil’s desk.

“Boyfriend,” someone coughed too loudly behind Phil but the teacher either didn’t hear or didn’t care enough to acknowledge it. Small blessings.

Phil was packing up the two copies of the stupid new history book when a boy with curly hair and brown eyes strolled up to him, casually leaning against the table.

“I can do it by the way, if you’re busy or something.”

“What? The book?” Phil asked and he almost wanted to accept, just so he wouldn’t have to deal with the awkwardness at showing up at Dan’s home. But he wasn’t sure he wanted to send anyone else to Dan’s home either. The home he never talked about, not even with Phil. And they had gotten closer over the last few weeks.

“I’ve got it,” Phil said, pulling his bag almost protectively against his front. “No worries.”

He worried a lot for someone who used that expression so often. And this was no different. He was a ball of worry as he had said goodbye to Jack in front of the school. He was even more tightly wound when he was walking down the path toward Dan’s house.

He hadn’t needed to get the address from anyone. Not the school, not his mother. He didn’t know the address but he knew the path still, even after all these years. It was like it was burned into his memory, walking along with a fifteen-year-old Dan and talking until the last second.

Phil hadn’t gone in with him, but he retraced their steps and he wondered why that path had stuck in his brain for years when he couldn’t even remember something he had read in his text book yesterday.

It might perhaps have something to do with the fact that Phil had thought he’d end up taking this walk a lot. He hadn’t counted on the first time being years down the line, or the situation that him and Dan currently found themselves in.

It was a small house, much smaller than Phil’s family house, even if they weren’t that far from each other. The paint outside was peeling and the steps under Phil’s feet creaked so loudly that he was worried they might just give under him.

He paused in front of the door. Knocking seemed entirely too terrifying.

**Danny Bear**

I’m outside of your front door

I have a book for you from history class

Phil waited for another couple of minutes, feeling silly but he wasn’t sure what would happen if someone other than Dan answered the door.

Phil didn’t get to choose because the door was suddenly yanked open in front of him. He yelped, stepping back and almost stumbling down the stairs. He only managed to catch himself at the last second.

“Hey kid, what are you doing on my property?” asked a man in his forties that Phil would guess to be Dan’s father. He looked significantly younger than Phil’s own father but he didn’t have the same kind and patient glint in his eyes.

“Err…”

“Are you selling something?” the man asked suspiciously, eyeing Phil.

“No,” he rushed to say, not wanting to get the door slammed in his face. “I’m not. I… School. Dan! His book. I mean, a new book. I have a new book for Dan.”

Phil was not proud of that string of word vomit and he wasn’t likely to get any reprieve from the man still looking at him with suspicion.

“Why would he not have his own book?” Dan’s father asked. “Did he… wait, that little shit. Daniel!”

The bellow was loud enough to startle Phil again and this time he purposely took a couple of steps down the stairs. He didn’t want to be trapped right in front of the door and the angry shouting man.

“What?” Dan’s voice called out through the small house.

Phil felt an instant surge of relief that Dan was okay. Maybe he had just been skipping school and Phil had just overreacted. He was allowed to overreact. He hadn’t had a boyfriend before.

“Get your ass down here.”

“Why?”

“Just do it!”

Phil wanted to leave. It was always awkward when your friends and their parents got into an argument in front of you. Most of the time, Phil did excuse himself and found a quiet corner to hide until the worst had blown over. Other people’s family drama wasn’t something he should be getting involved in anyway.

But he didn’t run off right now. He couldn’t, not with the uncomfortable ball of worry for Dan in the pit of his stomach. He had heard kids and parents arguing before but no one had ever sounded as hostile as Dan’s father.

“What do you wa-” Dan said, loud steps coming down the stairs. He stopped short, both with his mouth and his feet when he saw Phil lingering outside of the door. “Phil.”

“Oh, Phil is it?” Dan’s father asked. “Is that another one of your little _buddies_?”

Phil hated the emphasis, the suggestion that there was something more to it. Even if that was officially the case with him and Dan.

“No,” Dan said resolutely, stepping out and shoving past his father to put two hands on Phil’s shoulders and look him over. “Are you okay?”

“He says that he has a new book for you,” Dan’s father said. “Why the fuck weren’t you in school today?”

Dan’s hands on Phil’s shoulder flexed and suddenly they were almost biting into Phil’s skin, even through his shirt.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Dan said, jaw set, and refusing to turn around to face his father.

“I assume you don’t know what we said about lying either? I’m really disappointed in you, Daniel. The only thing we ask is that you attend your classes and keep up with your sport. Why weren’t you at school today?”

Dan’s jaw looked so tense that it must be painful. He finally looked over his shoulder to meet his father’s eyes.

“I wasn’t feeling well.”

“You look up and on your feet to me, so how bad can it really be?” his father said.

Phil was shocked into silence, just watching the scene in front of him like it was taken straight out of a horrible horror movie, only the horror was a very unsupportive father.

“There’s other ways of feeling ill,” Dan said, tension in his whole body.

“Right, like you actually have depression. What do you have to be depressed about anyway? The only thing you have to worry about is going to school and you can’t even do that properly.”

Phil wanted to say something, to defend Dan, but he wasn’t sure how to say anything. It seemed like Dan did though, because when he opened his mouth he spoke loudly and forcefully.

“Right. Whatever. I’ve heard that from you before. A thousand times. I know you think I have nothing to worry about but that’s what you don’t fucking get. That’s not how mental illness works.”

“You are-”

“Yes, I know. I’m being disrespectful. Are you doing the whole nine yards today? Rant about how having me as someone barely out of their teens ruined your life? How I fucked up your life, even if I never asked to be born? Are you going to go on about how all gays are promiscuous scum who deserve to die of bum cancer? Huh? I’ve heard it all, Dad. You’re a broken record and I’m leaving,” Dan said and leaned over to take Phil’s hand. “Let’s go, Phil.”

Dan was practically vibrating with rage as he stormed away from his house with Phil in tow. He wasn’t even wearing shoes or socks, but he seemed to care less about his bare feet, saggy sweatpants or dirty T-shirt. He just moved, fast and determined, and Phil tried to keep up while stumbling behind him.

He wasn’t sure what he had just witnessed but he knew one thing. Dan needed support and he needed it now. Phil could still hear some of the words ringing and repeating in his ears.

Even though Dan seemed to be out of his mind, chest heaving and hand clasped too tightly in Phil’s, he seemed to be moving with a purpose. Phil wasn’t sure where they were heading but he followed all the same.

It turned out to be a small playground that was kind of hidden behind some houses’ gardens. Phil wondered if this was even a public playground that you were allowed to be on or if it was for residents only, but he wasn’t about to question Dan, even if that had been the case.

Dan sat down on a wooden balancing beam and Phil sat down right next to him. Dan finally seemed to remember that he was still holding Phil’s hand and he tried to let go. Phil didn’t let him; he merely moved their palms a little until he could weave his fingers between Dan’s. He wasn’t sure what compelled him to do that but he just had a feeling that Dan needed something grounding right now. If holding his hand would help him, then Phil would gladly hold his hand.

“Sorry,” Dan said, sounding choked up. “Sorry that you had to see that.”

“Dan, that’s not your fault, not at all,” Phil insisted, giving Dan’s hand a squeeze.

Dan barked out a laugh and it sounded a little desperate and a little wet. Phil wanted to pull Dan into his side, to wrap his arms fully around him and hold him close, but he wasn’t sure that was what Dan wanted right now.

He was still a little hesitant to initiate a lot of physical contact, even if Dan had made leaning into Phil’s space all the time feel like the norm. He did it so easily, as if he wasn’t constantly overthinking every moment, but Phil wasn’t like that. He couldn’t just do that.

Hand holding like this already felt like a lot.

“You looked so uncomfortable,” Dan said, sounding both amused and sad at the same time. “If you’d been an ostrich, you would have put your head into the ground for sure.”

It was such a weird analogy that Phil was a little caught off guard by it. Still, he cracked a smile.

“Well, it was… scary.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s not you who should apologise.”

“If you think there is any universe where my father would be apologising, then you’re just as crazy as the rumours say.”

“There’s rumours about me being crazy?” Phil asked, feeling a wash of worry. Were people saying stuff behind his back and had he failed to notice? He should be focusing on Dan but he couldn’t help but latch onto a detail like that.

Dan seemed to notice too and it was like it flipped something in him. He leaned over until he was resting his head on Phil’s shoulder and he squeezed their hands tightly together.

“People don’t really think that, Phil,” Dan said, reassuringly. “Sorry, I just… I run my mouth when I’m like this. I… I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“So, people do think I’m crazy but you just felt bad for pointing it out?” Phil asked, not sure if he was joking or being serious anymore.

“No,” Dan said. “People don’t, but they don’t get you. I suppose. They think you’re odd and strange. But that’s a good thing, Phil. Being normal is boring. I’d pick you over any of them any day.”

Dan could say words like that, so casually as if they weren’t going to stop Phil’s heart in his chest. It felt almost like a confession, even if Dan’s voice was teasing. It reminded Phil of similar words that Dan had said to him that first summer when they had only known each other a couple of weeks.

He had proclaimed that Phil was his favourite person in the whole school and nobody could compare.

Back then, Phil hadn’t known what it was like to be anyone’s favourite. It had changed a bit a year later when he had found a best friend in Jack and learned what it was like to be someone’s priority. Still, there had always been something special about Dan. Something he could never quite identify.

Phil had said that Dan was his favourite too and he had never seen Dan smile so wide. He still hadn’t, even though Dan had been glued to his side very often these past weeks.

It took Phil a moment to pull himself out of his thoughts and he realised that Dan had derailed the conversation.

“Wait, did you just distract me on purpose?” Phil asked.

“What? Distract you?” Dan mumbled, leaning closer until his lips barely grazed Phil’s neck. “I can show you a better distraction,” he breathed against Phil’s throat, lips just barely pressing forward.

Phil shoved him, maybe a little too hard but he was startled. Dan never tried to get close in a new way before explicitly making sure that Phil was okay with it. And he most certainly hadn’t tried to kiss Phil’s neck before.

“What are you doing?” Phil asked, almost getting ready to stand and put distance between them but then he saw Dan’s face.

He looked gutted and so sad and instead, Phil found himself leaning back towards Dan and pulling his arms around him. It felt weird for a beat and Dan was stiff in his arms for nearly long enough that Phil started to pull back. But then Dan’s arms moved, carefully coming around Phil’s waists and hugging Phil back. Then it didn’t feel so weird.

“Sorry,” Dan said, barely louder than a whisper. He didn’t need to speak louder, not when they were hugging like this. It was nice, even if Phil was sure both his and Dan’s bums would get sore from sitting on the balancing beam like this.

“Okay,” Phil said. He couldn’t say much else. He was still trying to process everything that was happening.

“I’m… I do stupid shit when I’m sad, okay? Like try to say words that hurt, both at the people that deserve them but also at the ones that don’t. And I just… yeah, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I know you don’t want me close like that. Why are you even hugging me? How are you hugging me?”

Dan’s words got a little more cluttered together towards the end, coming out almost too fast for Phil to separate them into proper words.

“I know how to hug people,” Phil argued and gently squeezed Dan. “I just… it’s hard.”

“You can let go, I’m okay, or… I’m not, but I’m not going to fall apart. You don’t have to make yourself uncomfortable to comfort me,” Dan said and then he tried to pull away but Phil tightened his hold enough for Dan to stop trying to get out of it.

“I don’t feel uncomfortable,” Phil said and it was the truth. It felt like a bit of a surprise. “I like hugging you.”

“This is more of an embrace,” Dan said, but leaned back in to rest against Phil all the same.

“Semantics.”

“Aren’t you the one who’s acing English? You should know semantics are important,” Dan teased.

Phil realised Dan often did that when he was trying to distract people. But now, Phil wasn’t sure if Dan was even aware that he was using humour as a crutch when things felt a little too real or if it was subconscious.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Phil asked, because his mother had always taught him that it was important to air out things after an argument. Phil could understand why Dan didn’t want to talk to his father, but he should probably talk to someone.

Phil was a good listener and he wanted to do anything he could to help Dan.

“Do I have to?” Dan whined.

“No,” Phil said, channelling his inner Kath Lester. “But it will probably make you feel better.”

Dan reluctantly started to pull out of the hug and this time Phil let him. Dan moved until he had his elbows resting on his thighs and then he took his head in his hands. His fingers were digging into his hair and for a beat, Phil wondered if Dan’s hair was actually as soft as it looked. It looked more fluffy and curly as usual, probably because he hadn’t styled it for school today. 

“I don’t think there’s much that can make me feel better about it, Phil. Not really,” he said and then looked over at Phil’s expectant and open expression. “It’s just. It’s just a sucky situation but there’s less than a year left now.”

“You mean leaving for university? You’re going straight away?” Phil asked, in wonder because a lot of people tended to take a gap year before they wanted to jump into university. He had planned that initially, but these days their little sleepy town felt very empty.

“Yeah, if I can get a scholarship. My grades are good but I need to keep them good,” Dan said, casually.

Phil wasn’t sure why that surprised him. And while Dan said good grades, he must mean pretty great ones if they were already at the level that they could potentially get him a scholarship.

He had seen Dan study and he knew he actually paid attention in class when it suited him and he was very observant and quick on the uptake. He wasn’t the type to spend all his time in the library but he had never come off as a dumb jock. Still, Phil had not realised that he might be this smart.

“That’s cool, Dan.”

“Ah, stop looking at me like that! It’s not going to be a full ride, it’s just aid, paying some of the tuition, you know? I need it. I mean, maybe if I’m really lucky I could also get something for rugby, but honestly I’m not sure I want to do that at uni.”

“Why not?” Phil asked, putting his hand on either side of his butt and leaning back a little. The afternoon weather was pleasant and behaving right now and this little hidden playground felt warm and cosy.

“I only started playing to get my father off my back,” Dan admitted. “Gay boys don’t play rugby, or some bullcrap like that.”

“But you’re bi?” Phil said.

Dan threw his head back and laughed so wholeheartedly that Phil wondered what he had said that was so funny. He didn’t wonder for long, too soon wrapped up in the wonder that was Dan Howell when he was laughing unrestrained.

“What?” Phil complained, latching onto Dan’s arm and shaking him a little as Dan’s laughter started to subside.

“Labels are confusing and I refuse to conform to them, but I guess bi fits the best? I don’t know. I also really like queer but there’s a whole debate about it being a slur and such. It’s just a lot. And I wasn’t laughing at you, by the way, it was just funny because my father wouldn’t care if I also still like girls. He only cares about the boys or people whose gender isn’t binary. Not that he knows such people even exist. I hope none of them ever meet him.”

Phil couldn’t imagine living in a home like that, where you knew your parent, someone who was supposed to take care of you and be your most dependable ally, didn’t support something so inherent as the person you were. He was suddenly so thankful for his own parents.

“I’m sorry, Dan.”

Dan waved a hand, but it looked like his hands shook a little.

“It’s whatever. I’m used to them not understanding.”

“Your mother too?” Phil asked tentatively.

“No, it’s not the same,” Dan said. “She doesn’t mind the gay aspect of me so much, but it’s just… there’s so much distance and she doesn’t defend me to my father, which hurts a little.”

Phil felt like that was a massive understatement. It sounded like it hurt a lot.

“And then there’s the whole thing about them not thinking young people can be depressed or mentally ill. I’ve… I’ve only tried to bring it up once but it didn’t exactly go well. I just… is it really my responsibility to educate them? Why can’t they educate themselves? It’s not fair.”

Phil moved to put an arm around Dan’s shoulder, like Dan had done to him so many times.

“It’s not,” Phil agreed.

“Whatever, it’s just shitty parents. Lots of people have those. It’ll get better with time and distance, I think. Maybe. People with similar stories seem to think so. I just have to make it to the other side.”

Phil didn’t want Dan to have to endure anything like that. If he wasn’t so scared of confrontation, he would have marched up to the Howells himself and given them an earful about how parents were supposed to support and love their children. He would never be brave enough to do that but he could try to help in other ways.

Phil wanted to tell him encouraging words but they got tripped up in his head during important conversations like this.

“It’s why I wasn’t at school by the way, and why I didn’t reply to your messages. Depression, or whatever you want to call it. It’s not like I have a formal diagnosis.”

Phil hummed. “But isn’t self-diagnosis often the first step in a lot of mental illnesses? It’s a start.”

Dan turned to look at Phil properly and their faces were so close. Phil could almost feel Dan’s breath as he huffed out a sigh.

“Yeah, I suppose so. Wow. I think you’re the only one I’ve told who hasn’t told me that it isn’t real.”

“How would I know if it was real or not?” Phil said, shrugging. “It’s you. Your mind. You know better than I ever could, except if I was a therapist. But that’s scary as hell, I don’t want to be a therapist. I would give all the wrong advice. I’d say all the wrong things.”

“You’re not.”

“What?”

“You’re not saying all the wrong things, Phil,” Dan said. “Frankly, you tend to say everything that I need to hear.”

Phil wasn’t sure what to say to that. Again. How could Dan just say something like that? He spoke it as if it was a universal truth, something he believed in wholeheartedly.

Phil didn’t feel like he said the right things but he wanted to use that unexpected boost of confidence to say something very specific.

“You’re coming home with me tonight,” he said. Dan was still looking right at him, so close. Close enough that Phil could see when Dan’s expression shifted into confusion and then turned into a smirk.

“Are you inviting me to stay the night? That’s a big step, Lester. I didn’t think you were ready for that,” Dan said, voice teasing as he reached over to pinch Phil’s side.

“Shut up,” Phil mumbled, and he used the hand that wasn’t around Dan’s shoulder to pinch his side too. He barely flinched, the asshole.

“I’m just kidding, Phil. You know that. Consensual banter, right? If I overstep just tell me. But seriously, I can’t just go to your house. Your parents are there.”

“So? Martyn’s room is free and I’m not letting you go back to your house.”

“I’ll have to get back eventually,” Dan said, with a bit of a hollow laugh.

“Sure, but not tonight. You need somewhere safe if you’re having a bad mental health day. But first, you’re going to see if you can get those long legs to work on this balance beam,” Phil said and stood up and pulled Dan up with him as well.

“Phil, you realise this is a playground for children, right?” Dan asked but he didn’t sound like he minded.

He wasn’t calling Phil childish or stupid. He was just looking at him, with so much gentleness in his eyes.

“Yes, I do, and I’m going to beat you through that obstacle course. Watch me!” Phil said and jumped over to the old tire section of the playground. Turns out walking on half tires was a little difficult when you were a long-limbed eighteen-year-old and not a little kid but Phil didn’t let that stop him from trying.

The balancing beam was even more difficult, the slightly rounded edges tripped up his big ass feet. Dan laughed pretty much from start to finish as Phil eventually managed to make it through. Dan’s first try wasn’t much better.

They ended up doing it again and again, timing each other and Dan seemed to be improving with each round while Phil got progressively worse. It was entirely Dan’s fault. He ran along the balancing beam and made funny faces trying to make Phil laugh. Phil called him out for not showing sportsmanship but Dan didn’t care one bit.

They left the playground slightly sweaty and faces aching from smiling so much. Phil pulled Dan along to his house, even if he still tried to protest and argue that he didn’t want to intrude.

Phil assured him that he wasn’t and Phil made sure to hold Dan’s hand so he couldn’t escape. Dan was melodramatic about it, pretending as if Phil’s hand was a shackle and not just a loose hold that he could get out of any moment if he had wanted that.

Phil tried not to be too endeared. It was difficult.

“What if they hate me?” Dan asked, as they walked the final steps up to Phil’s door. It would just be approaching dinner time now, and Phil was frankly surprised that his mother hadn’t asked about him yet.

“How could they hate you?” Phil said and pulled the door open. “They won’t. My parents love all my friends.”

“Wait, they don’t know that we’re dating?” Dan asked, sounding a little spooked.

Phil didn’t get to answer him, and really Phil should have considered that himself, before dragging Dan to his family house. A small oversight on his part, he was willing to admit.

In his defence, it was just difficult to remember at times. If it wasn’t for the whispered gossip at school and some of the curious stares, Phil could forget that they weren’t just friends who hung out a lot and hugged and held hands. Most of the time, it felt like him and Dan were just rediscovering their friendship and Phil liked that.

Then Dan did stuff like cage him in against the wall and he remembered but most of the time, it felt like genuine friendship.

“Phil? Darling, is that you?” Phil’s mother called from the kitchen and a couple of seconds later, she was peeking her head out from the kitchen.

“Oh, you’ve brought a friend,” she said, smiling and approaching, even if it definitely smelled like something was actively cooking in the kitchen and it probably should be watched.

“Hi mum, this is-”

“Dan,” she said. “Dan Howell.”

Dan looked very on edge. He looked borderline scared even if he nodded politely and smiled.

“Yes, that’s me.”

“Long time, no see,” Kath said, and Phil wanted to smack his palm against his forehead. Kath had never actually met Dan but now Dan was looking panicky as if he had forgotten an encounter.

“Yeah, just you know… been busy?” Dan said, looking over to Phil for rescue.

“Dan’s staying over tonight,” Phil said, deciding to put him out of his misery.

“Wait, that’s just- Phil- you don’t, obviously, I don’t want to int-”

“Oh, nonsense,” Kath said lovingly. “Of course you can say over. It’s almost dinner time. You both look like you could use some food. It couldn’t hurt for both of you to get some more meat on those skinny bones.”

“Mum, you’re sounding like grandma,” Phil said fondly as his mother turned around and started to walk back to the kitchen. She looked over her shoulder.

“Happens when you get older, child. In twenty years, you’ll start to sound like me,” she said cheerfully.

Phil smiled at his mother’s antics. She was a little embarrassing, but right now he would take that over the encounter with Dan’s father any day. It seemed like he wasn’t the only one that could see the contrast. Dan looked a little like a light breeze might knock him over.

“Did… did she mean that?”

“About us being too skinny? Yeah, I think so, she says I never eat enough.”

“No, dork,” Dan said, slapping Phil lightly on the shoulder. “About it being okay for me to stay over? Just like that?”

“Yes,” Phil said. “Just like that. I told you, my parents are chill. Now, come. Let’s set the table for dinner, right? You look a little pale actually. Did you eat at all today?”

“Not much?” Dan admitted and he looked a little guilty.

“We’ll fix that,” Phil said and dragged Dan along to help gather the plates.

At the dinner table, Dan tensed all over again when Nigel came down from his office, but Phil’s father did not mind the additional plate at the dinner table either. In fact he said that it was good that Dan was here, since Phil’s mother still seemed to cook for five even though Martyn had been gone for weeks and Cornelia hadn’t been over for dinner in just as long.

Dan didn’t escape the interrogation about what he was up to in school but he seemed to sail through it easily. Both Kath and Nigel looked sufficiently charmed by the end of dinner.

Dan was good with parents; Phil realised a little belatedly. He knew how to compliment them without it being too much and he was funny and smiley and he was winning them over as if he was indeed a real boyfriend. Even though neither Dan or Phil had mentioned that they were boyfriends.

Even so, Phil wasn’t sure it was a secret from his mother. Phil caught a couple of glances thrown his way during dinner. Those telling Mum Glances where Phil felt like she saw right through him.

She didn’t grill him until he was carrying dishes into the kitchen and Dan had just left with the trash that he had volunteered to take out back.

“I didn’t know you had gotten close with Dan again,” she started a little innocently, but her tone was still very curious.

Phil didn’t want to lie but he didn’t want to tell her everything either.

“We reconnected in the beginning of the school year.”

“Oh? Because of those letters?” Kath asked.

Phil felt like he was frozen. Terror shook through him and for a moment he thought that his mother might actually have read what was within those five letters. He would never be able to live it down if that was the truth.

“Err… I guess?” Phil said nervously. “Why are you asking about them?”

“Phil, don’t look so terrified. I’d never read your private letters. You know that. I’m just saying that I’m proud of you for reaching out and reconnecting with him.”

“But?” Phil asked.

They were running out of time for this conversation. Dan would be back any moment. It didn’t take that long to go out to the driveway.

“But if there’s something other than friendship with you and Dan, you know you can tell us, right? We love you no matter what and we will love whoever you might be dating as long as they’re nice to you.”

Phil was not ready for such a loving comment out of the blue. It warmed his body from the top of his head down to the tips of his toes. He was so happy in that moment, if a little embarrassed, but he also couldn’t shake the feeling that it was so unfair that Dan had been dealt such a different hand.

At least, he would be accepted in the Lester household.

“Trash taken is taken care of,” Dan said, walking back in through the door. “Anything else I can help with, Kath?”

Dan was playing up being the perfect son but he looked like he was having too much fun with it, so Phil didn’t want to stop him. Even if he was upstaging him a little.

Phil had wanted to slip away with Dan to his room to just chat and hang out on their own, but Kath and Nigel insisted on a night of board games now that they had guests. It was something they had done often on the nights that Cornelia came over.

Phil’s chest ached a little and he promised himself that he would try to talk to her within two weeks, even if he hadn’t gotten a reply from Connor by then. He shouldn’t keep putting it off like this.

Kath beat them all in Monopoly and Phil learned once more that Dan was a sore loser in all types of games. However, it was great fun to see his competitive spirit battle with the desire to make a good first impression. After the board game, they put on some silly comedic flick that Phil was only half paying attention to, since Dan had ended up next to Phil on the sofa. It was distracting. 

Dan was always so warm and it was sleep inducing. Phil nodded off for the last bit of the movie, embarrassingly falling asleep on Dan’s shoulder, and then he pestered Dan about the ending.

“Alright, we’re heading to bed for the night,” Kath announced. “I’ve set up Martyn’s bed for you, Dan.”

“Thank you so much, Mrs. Lester.”

“Don’t mention it,” she said kindly. “And for the love of God, call me Kath. Mrs. Lester makes me sound old.”

“You are getting old, honey,” Nigel said, chuckling.

“Watch your tongue, mister,” Kath said, wagging a finger in her husband’s face but she was still smiling.

Phil wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed but he could see that Dan had a faraway look in his eyes. Phil was curious what it meant.

“They just…” Dan said, sounding astonished. “They’re just like that? All the time?”

“Pretty much,” Phil confirmed.

“Fuck, that’s… Fuck,” Dan said shaking his head and then he was yawning. “And they don’t seem like they’re worried about me corrupting you, which is nice.”

“You couldn’t even corrupt me, even if you tried,” Phil argued.

“Oh?” Dan asked, one eyebrow raised. “Well, I haven’t tried. Give me permission and I promise you that you’ll be corrupted as hell, Lester.”

Phil shoved Dan’s shoulder and he wondered when that had become a normal thing between them. He seemed to do it a lot lately. It felt natural, even if it had never felt natural with anyone else.

“Let’s go to bed,” Phil said.

“Another invitation. Phil, I told you, I’m waiting for marriage!” Dan hissed, leaning back on the sofa and putting a hand to his chest like he was an offended maiden.

It shouldn’t have been as funny as it was, but Phil liked this side of Dan. He was playful and teasing.

“Shut up,” Phil muttered fondly, and he couldn’t help but hear the undertone in his own words. He told Dan to shut up a lot and it was slowly beginning to sound a lot more like _I like you_ to his own ears.

He had a feeling that he was in trouble. At least Dan went to bed in Martyn’s room without any protests, so Phil wouldn’t have to have a meltdown about what it would be like sharing a bed with Dan. He had a feeling it would be a very interesting experience. He wasn’t sure his heart could take a sleepy Dan who was probably just as touchy and clingy.

But he was a little curious what it would be like. He had never really wanted to share bed with anyone else, other than Martyn when he was a kid. This was a new feeling sprouting in his chest.

Phil was too tired after a long and emotional day and he conked out pretty much as soon as he crawled under the covers. He was prepared to just forever and forget that there was still one more day of school before the weekend finally hit.

Maybe that was why he was so surprised to find himself waking in the middle of the night. It wasn’t something he did often, but his bladder insisted that he couldn’t wait until the morning to get up. He recalled too many sodas consumed during the board game and movie because Kath liked to bring out the snacks and drinks for guests, of which Phil always took full advantage.

He was a little annoyed that he hadn’t gone to the toilet before falling asleep but he had been a little distracted with standing by the sink next to Dan and seeing their reflections together. Dan was in an old tee of Phil’s and he had borrowed a pair of shorts too. There was something utterly domestic about that image and it had distracted Phil.

With no Dan to distract him now, he quickly took a piss and he was ready to climb back into the warm cocoon of his bed before becoming really awake but something stopped him in the hallway. He wasn’t entirely sure what it was but it felt like a pull in his gut. Before he had made a conscious decision, he had crept closer to the door to Martyn’s room and he pushed the door open gently.

He wasn’t trying to spy on Dan or be a creep but he just felt a need to check on him. Phil knew he would be lying awake unable to sleep if he went back without checking now that the urge had already entered his head.

Phil couldn’t really see how Dan was in the lump on the bed, not until the lump suddenly moved. Dan’s head came out from the duvet, hair in disarray.

“Are you awake?” Phil whispered, which was really a dumb question when Dan was sitting up and he had his eyes open but Phil was allowed to ask dumb questions when it was 3 AM.

“Yeah, did I wake you?” Dan asked, sounding concerned.

It was odd to hear another voice from Martyn’s bed and in that moment, Phil was struck by a sense of homesickness that he wasn’t even sure existed. Could you miss a person like they were a home? It felt like that when he looked at the void that Martyn had left behind in his life.

But just maybe, he had also made space for someone else.

“Nah,” Phil said. “I just woke up for the toilet. Did I wake _you_ up?”

“Nah, I was already awake,” Dan said in the same casual tone that he always had when he admitted to something. He could say really serious things like they weren’t a big deal just because of that tone but Phil was getting better and better at seeing through it.

“Oh… you can’t sleep? Is it the unfamiliar bed? I have trouble with that sometimes when I’ve been at sleepovers.”

“The bed is lovely, Phil. It’s just… my head is a mess. It won’t let me rest,” Dan confessed and he sounded so vulnerable; the casual tone abandoned.

Phil crept into the room, opening the door a little more. He wondered what he could do to make Dan feel better. Dan seemed to be patiently waiting to see what Phil would do, just watching in the low light of the room like time was standing still just for them.

It surely felt like it had stopped to grant them a moment of reprieve. Phil let himself think things through, knowing that Dan wouldn’t mind the quiet. He would wait for Phil. He had, again and again.

Even as Phil took his time to consider a potential solution, he could only really come up with one thing. It was a little silly but he knew it would have made him feel better if he was the one who couldn’t sleep.

He held out a hand for Dan. An invitation. Dan slowly got up from the bed and walked over to Phil, even if he looked confused.

“Come on,” Phil said, intertwining their fingers. “Let’s go to the basement.”

“This is a horrible way to learn that you’re secretly a cannibal,” Dan joked.

Phil let out an offended huff. “I’m not a cannibal. I just want to beat your ass in Mario Kart. Our video games are down there.”

Dan looked surprised and then delighted.

“Oh, you must still be asleep and dreaming if you think you can beat me, Lester,” Dan said, voice sounding more excited than sad now and it was just what Phil had hoped.

Phil felt more alive racing down the stairs with his hand in Dan’s and trying to make as little sound as possible. Dan tried and failed to stop the giggles and they were contagious. Phil wasn’t sure when he had last felt so giggly and giddy.

He wasn’t sure if he should blame it on the lack of sleep or Dan.

Turned out that Phil would indeed have to eat his words. Dan was unreasonably good at Mario Kart and he wasn’t afraid of playing dirty to make Phil veer off course. Phil whinged pathetically, but it didn’t make Dan take it easy on him. If anything, he just seemed to put in more effort to ensure that Phil didn’t get a single win.

“You’re cheating,” Phil said after about ten games when the tiredness was starting to seep back into his bones.

“No, it’s called having skills, Lester,” Dan said and wiggled his eyebrows.

“Don’t call me that,” Phil said.

“Huh? Lester?”

“Yes,” Phil said and stretched his arms over his head. It sounded like his back cracked and it made him jolt a little. He never liked the sound of bones cracking even if he knew it wasn’t a bad thing.

“Why not?”

“’Cause…” Phil said like it was enough of an explanation. Based on how Dan was looking at him and waiting for more, it wasn’t. “You know. It’s weird. I’m just Phil.”

Dan chuckled. “You’re not _just_ anything,” Dan said and moved on before Phil could ask him what that meant. “But I’ll stop if you don’t want me to. It’s just a bad habit, I suppose. Everyone on the rugby team call each other by our last names because that’s what is on our jerseys.”

“Yeah, I know a lot of people call you Howell,” Phil said.

“You don’t,” Dan pointed out.

“Would you like me to?”

“Hell no,” Dan said. “I like when you call me Dan. I might even be okay with you calling me Daniel.”

“I’ve never heard anyone call you that,” Phil said, yawning. “Why? Oh, other than that girl at the party but you seemed annoyed about that.”

“I don’t know. It’s what my parents call me and there’s some bad connotations to it, I suppose. But I don’t think I would mind you calling me that.”

“Daniel?” Phil tried out, speaking his full first name for the first time ever.

Dan smiled. Just a small one.

“Alright maybe it’s a bit too soon. But in time, yeah?” Dan said and Phil didn’t know what that meant.

What time? Wasn’t their time already running out? Phil wasn’t sure what would happen to them after the ski trip. It had already been nearly a month. Time was moving too fast. Soon Dan would want to get back to his usual hook ups and Phil would be left behind.

Would they still be friends or would Dan want some distance from his pretend ex? Phil had never considered that when they had first come up with this idea.

It was terrifying to even think about, but Dan’s smile wasn’t terrifying. It was beautiful.

“One more round?” Dan asked, holding up the controller.

“Ha, I think I’ve had my ass beat to an absolute pulp enough for one night,” Phil insisted.

“Oh, so time to shut off?” Dan asked and he sounded down about it. Phil couldn’t have that. This was supposed to be about cheering Dan up.

“Nah, let me see if you can beat the computer too,” Phil said, clapping Dan’s knee before standing and stretching out his whole body. “I’ll just go get some water and be right back. You better be in the lead when I return.”

“Deal,” Dan said, immediately turning his attention back to the screen.

Phil tiptoed back up into the kitchen but before grabbing a glass of water, he found his mother’s post-it stash and pulled out a pen.

_Dan and I are taking_

_a mental health day_

_We might fall asleep_

_in the basement xx_

Phil stuck it to the fridge before he pulled out the bottle of water and poured himself a glass. On a second thought, he pulled out a second glass and filled that one as well. When he came down to the basement with the two glasses, Dan was indeed in the winning on the round. Even if the sucker had now picked Rainbow Road, which Phil had vehemently refused to play while they were racing against each other.

“Winning?” Phil asked, setting the glass down next to Dan on the coffee table. “Brought you some water. Stay hydrated.”

Dan’s eyes flickered over to shoot Phil a smirk and it was just enough time with his eyes away from the screen that his kart fell off the rainbow.

“Oi! What the hell! This is your fault, Phil! You sabotaged me!”

“What?” Phil asked, giggling. “How?”

“By being there! Ah, this is homophobia. How dare they cast me off the rainbow? I’m calling Nintendo,” Dan grumbled as he began to race as his cart was lifted back up on the rainbow.

Phil just watched, feeling a new and specific type of fondness spreading slowly out from the centre of his chest. He put it down to being overly tired and more vulnerable than usual. He wanted to lie down and sleep now.

But he wasn’t going to abandon Dan or make him go to sleep.

He found the happy medium by plopping down on the sofa and putting his feet in Dan’s lap. He was pretty sure he was going to fall asleep down here, which is why he had included that in his message to his mother. If she couldn’t find him in his room and she couldn’t find a note, she would panic.

“What are you doing? More sabotage?” Dan asked, fingers still working the controller even as Phil settled his feet comfortably on Dan. It felt cosy and domestic and Phil buried his face in the pillow.

He could hear the sounds from the game but they were growing fainter already.

“Phil?”

“Hmm.”

“Are you going to sleep? Should we get you up to bed?” Dan asked.

“No.”

“No?”

“You’re warm,” Phil mumbled and that was the last he could remember before he slipped into sleep.

When he was woken the next morning, it was because something was moving under him. He hummed in refusal, confused that his bed would turn against him when his eyelids felt so damn heavy. He hadn’t expected to hear a voice, let alone so close to his ear. 

“Phil. Phil, we need to get up,” Dan said, and Phil could feel hands on his back trying to urge him to move. He was sure he must be dreaming. It wouldn’t be the first time Dan had invaded his dreams.

He just curled further into the lumpy pillow behind him. The very warm pillow. It must be Dan, he realised but he didn’t care. Dream Dan could take some forced cuddles.

“Phil, seriously,” Dan said, even if he sounded very amused. His voice also sounded deeper than Phil had ever heard it. “We have school.”

Why would dream Dan be talking about school? This was a boring dream. Phil tried to curl more into Dan, into the warmth of him and that was when he realised that it all felt a little too real. Dreams weren’t like that. You couldn’t feel the heartbeat of someone else, could you?

Phil pried his eyes open and he realised that he wasn’t dreaming. He was in his parents’ basement, on the sofa lying on top of Dan. He blinked down at him for several seconds before he managed to get his arms and legs to listen to him and start to pull back.

“Hey, you okay?” Dan asked, still sounding amused and endeared. “You were really far away there.”

Dan sat up next to Phil and Phil got to see his unruly hair. It was slightly curly. It shouldn’t have suited him so well, for it being bedhead, but it definitely did. Phil wondered if he straightened his hair normally. Phil thought he should stop if that was the case.

“’m fine,” Phil mumbled and reached up to rub his eyes. He found his glasses on the coffee table beside him. Dan must have taken them off him before he fell asleep.

“Great, because we need to hurry. We already missed the first class of the day,” Dan said trying to pull Phil to his feet.

“No.”

“No? Yes, we did. Phil, I checked the time. If we hurry, we might make the next one,” Dan said. “Come on, it’s my fault that you’re missing school to begin with. I didn’t mean to make that happen.”

“No, you’re not making me miss anything,” Phil said.

“You don’t have school on Friday? Are you still dreaming?”

“No, not today I don’t. I told my mum I was taking a mental health day. You too. I wrote her a note last night. It’s probably the only reason she didn’t try to wake us up this morning.”

“A what? Mental health day?” Dan asked, all confused.

“Yeah, I have an agreement with mum. I can take a mental health day a month, no questions asked. She’ll just call and say I’m ill. If it’s more than once a month, I can still have the days but then I need to talk to her about what’s going on.”

“Oh, that’s… brilliant actually. What the fuck, I wish I had that.”

“You do now, for today at least. Knowing my mother, she also reported you as sick.”

“Can you even do that if it’s someone else’s kid?” Dan asked.

Phil shrugged. “Who knows but my mum won’t let that stop her. I would like to see anyone who would dare to try to stand between her and someone that needs help. I’m sure you’re signed out for the day too, unless you insist on going to school.”

“Well, no, but I was also out yesterday.”

“We can go,” Phil said and made his legs stand up. “I just thought you’d want another day off.”

“Of course, I do,” Dan mumbled guiltily.

“Then it’s settled. Come on,” Phil said and grabbed the controllers that must have fallen to the floor yesterday. “I’ll definitely kick your ass now that I’m well rested.”

Phil didn’t actually think so but the goal had been to make Dan laugh and he succeeded with that. It was a win in Phil’s book.

He got his ass kicked again. But Dan continued to smile and be giddy and gloat, just a little, so it was all worth it. They eventually emerged from the basement to get food and drinks. Phil opened the fridge to find two sandwiches packed for them with a little post it note on top.

_Remember to eat, child!_

_And feed Dan too, he looks_

_like he could use some_

_love and care. <3 <3 _

Phil cracked a smile and then quickly pocketed the note. He wasn’t sure he wanted Dan to read it, even if Phil agreed with his mother’s assessment. Phil didn’t know if he could do love and care, whatever that was supposed to mean, but he could do his best to keep Dan happy and smiling. Wasn’t that the same thing?

“Mum made us lunch,” Phil said, pulling out plates for the sandwiches.

“Seriously?” Dan asked, shocked. “Who are your parents even?”

He sounded a little sad and on edge and suddenly Phil wondered if Dan thought he was bragging or showing off with his supportive parents when he had just learned that Dan’s family situation wasn’t the best.

“Oh, I’m sorry, we can, I don’t know. Not eat it? If it makes you…? I don’t-”

“Hey, Phil,” Dan said, pulling the plates from Phil’s hands that he was grabbing a little too tightly. “You’re fine. Your parents are fine. Frankly, they’re more than fine but you don’t have to apologise for that. Am I a little jealous? Sure. But that’s not your fault, it’s not your parents’ fault. It’s just how life is. I’ll happily enjoy this as long as you’ll have me.”

Phil’s heart ached for Dan and he wondered if it would be too much to say that he would always have Dan if that would make things a little easier. He was sure both Nigel and Kath wouldn’t mind having him over a lot more. They had practically adopted Cornelia. Surely they could take Dan in as well.

Granted, he wasn’t Phil’s real boyfriend but did that really matter?

“Come on,” Dan said, saving Phil from having to say anything. “Let’s go eat. I’m not going to take a guilt free day out from school with you every day. Let’s make the most of it.”

And they did. After having eaten their food, they went out for a bike ride. Dan borrowed Martyn’s bike and then they just set off on an adventure around the neighbourhood trying to find hidden gems. Phil wasn’t sure if he had ever had a mental health day that had been so mentally healing. He was sure the secret was in Dan’s smile.

They made it back to Phil’s house in the late afternoon and Phil insisted that he should have a third attempt in trying to beat Dan in Mario Kart. It ended the same as every other time.

“You know, a good boyfriend would let me win at least once,” Phil complained after his fourth loss in a row.

“Aww,” Dan said, leaning over to poke Phil’s cheek bones. Really, he looked like he wanted to cradle Phil’s whole face in his big hands and Phil was a little surprised by how much he wouldn’t have minded that.

What was happening to him? When did he get to be so touchy? Had he ever wanted to be so touchy with anyone?

“Meanie,” Phil spit out, trying to figure out if he was actually blushing.

“No, I’m a good boyfriend. The best boyfriend.”

“You can’t just declare yourself that. I have to do that.”

“Aw, I didn’t know you thought I was the best boyfriend,” Dan said, tilting his head to the side and grinning widely. “That means a lot to me, Phil.”

“I didn’t say that!” Phil insisted, but he was smiling too. Almost laughing. He went to shove Dan but Dan wasn’t having it and simply trapped Phil’s wrists and stopped him in his tracks. Phil stopped struggling just to look at Dan’s smug grin. “You’re a horrible boyfriend,” Phil said fondly.

“Boys!” Nigel called from the living room. “Dinner is almost ready, come set the table in five minutes!”

“It’s that late again?” Dan asked. “Wait, am I staying for dinner again? Isn’t that too much?”

“They always make too much food, whichever one of them cooks. I think none of them have recalibrated to not having Martyn and Cornelia around most nights.”

Dan carefully let go of Phil’s wrists.

“Do you miss them?”

“Yeah,” Phil admitted. “It’s getting a little better now, but it’s still odd. I miss Martyn the most, because he has always been there, you know? My partner in crime. But I miss Cornelia too, she’s so fun and lovely to have around.”

“Do you still love her?” Dan asked and Phil had not been prepared for that question.

“What?”

“It’s a pretty simple question, Phil,” Dan said, voice turning gentle and a little insecure. “You don’t have to tell me, obviously. I’m just curious. She’s the most recent letter, right?”

“Yeah, she is,” Phil confirmed. This was new territory. Dan never spoke about Cornelia even if she was the one who had brought them both to Phil’s basement, playing Mario Kart and bonding like never before.

Phil wondered why he chose to bring her up now.

There was something in Dan’s eyes, behind the question, that Phil couldn’t make sense of but he found that he desperately wanted to know what it meant. He had promised himself to be braver but right now he was petrified to even think about asking Dan with that look meant.

“I don’t know,” Phil said honestly. “If I love her. I’m confused… when I wrote but even more so now.”

“Now? Why now?” Dan asked with bated breath.

Phil leaned forward a little, trying to read Dan but he wasn’t coming up with anything that made sense. Why did Dan look at him like he had hung the stars in the sky? It was too intimate. Too fond. When had Dan started looking at him like that?

“Boys! The table won’t set itself,” Nigel called from above again and the moment slipped away.

Phil wasn’t sure if he should be thankful to his father or annoyed. He hadn’t been entirely sure what to say. It would have been a gamble. Phil would probably have said something stupid. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Dan’s feelings in any way, or end up hurting himself, because he was an idiot who didn’t think things through before he spoke.

Dan allowed the moment to pass too and he didn’t bring it up again, not even when they were lingering outside of his front door when Dan insisted that he had to go home for the night.

“You could stay again, you know?” Phil said and he couldn’t stop himself from reaching out to hold onto Dan. Holding his hand right now would speak too much, so instead he latched onto Dan’s long sleeve. “My parents won’t mind and it’s the weekend tomorrow.”

“I’d love to but I should get back. I already texted my mother and she really wanted me to come back home tonight. Evidently, her and my father had a talk, which is either good or bad, but holding off on going home won’t alter the result. I have to face the music eventually.”

“But I’ll miss you,” Phil said, half just to convince Dan to stay but as soon as the words were out of his mouth, he realised just how true they were. He had spent more than 24 hours in Dan’s company, pretty much constantly except for the few hours they had been sleeping and some of those hours they had even been together as well.

“I’ll see you soon, you big dork,” Dan said but it sounded a lot like _I’ll miss you too_ to Phil’s ears.

Dan tended not to say things as he meant them. He danced around the truth, not quite speaking in riddles but more speaking indirectly. He said things as if he expected you to have the context. Phil rarely had the context but he was getting better.

“But Monday is so far away,” Phil complained.

“We can meet up on the weekend too, you know?” Dan said and he was smiling again. He seemed to be constantly smiling lately. Even after sad moments, he found something to smile over. It was lovely.

“But I don’t want to go to another party. We went last week and we’re going next week again.”

“We don’t have to go to parties all the time,” Dan assured him. “We can do something else. Something fun. Today and yesterday have been very fun.”

“Really?” Phil asked, slightly surprised. “You don’t miss the parties?”

“Not really,” Dan said with a shrug. “I missed playing video games.”

“Wait, I’ve got the perfect idea! You’ll come over to Jack’s house tomorrow. I usually go over to help him film his gaming video and we play a few games. We can all three play Mario Kart and then we’ll both wipe the floor with his ass. He’ll get all fired up. It will be great.”

“Oh, I mean, I’d love to but are you sure that Jack would like to have me over at his house?”

“He will. You’ve grown on him,” Phil said and it was the truth. After that first party, and hanging out with Dan and his friends at lunch, Jack had loosened up a whole lot more.

“Is he the only one I’ve grown on?” Dan asked, leaning up close in Phil’s space again.

It was familiar now, but for some reason it felt like it was a new thing in that moment. It felt like he was back in the ice cream shop and Dan had leaned in close for the first time. Just like then, Phil just waited and waited, but he wasn’t sure what he was waiting for.

“So, tomorrow, yeah?” Dan said, eventually pulling back. He looked a little disappointed and Phil almost wanted to ask what Dan was trying to illicit with getting all up in his space all gently like that.

“Text me when you get home too, so I know you’re alright,” Phil made him promise.

“I will.”

“And if things aren’t alright or you just need a break, you can always come here,” Phil added.

That stopped Dan from where he had turned to talk down the steps. He looked over his shoulder.

“Always?”

“Yes,” Phil replied.

“You shouldn’t make promises that you can’t keep, Phil.”

“I’m not, Dan.”

Dan’s lips pulled up into yet another smile and he shook his head a little before he turned to walk away.

An hour later Phil got a few notifications from his phone.

**Danny Bear**

all’s okay

mum scolded dad

he’s grumpy now

but he hasn’t said anything about me being gone

oh

mum said to thank your parents for housing and feeding me

I’m glad to hear that!

I’ll let my mum know but I know she doesn’t mind

She loves having people over and you charmed her

it’s one of my many talents

mum charmer

Ew don’t say it like that.

lol

yeah i’ll give you that

I’m glad you’re okay, Dan

darling, i could never not be okay when i was sleeping next to you

Phil nearly had a heart attack at that message until he remembered that Dan always tried to send those sappy and cliché messages of love before they went to sleep. It was all it was. Dan’s swift goodnight that came in a couple of minutes later confirmed it.

It had just felt different because they had already been texting back and forth.

Still, it was like something began to shift between them that day. Jack was more than happy to have Dan and Phil come over and play games. Dan ended up showing off and still getting a perfect score on Dance Dance Revolution which impressed Jack immensely and Dan gave him permission to film and upload it on his channel. Dan looked like he was having a blast and Phil could see how the two of them were getting more comfortable.

A part of him wondered if he should be nervous about two of his closest friends getting closer. He probably should have been worried about being left in the dust, but he wasn’t. While he was close with both of them, it felt different. Something about his and Dan’s interactions left a different feeling in his stomach and he wasn’t sure how to identify it.

He wasn’t sure if it could be attributed to the fake dating.

Another two weeks came and went and Phil found that he quite liked being settled into this life. He quite liked having Dan at his side and it made something ache in his chest to know that there were only a couple weeks until the ski trip now. After that everything was uncertain. Phil tried to ignore it. If he ignored it hard enough, it felt like it would go away.

Phil had almost forgotten about the message he had sent to Connor until he suddenly had a notification on Facebook.

_Hi Phil! Long time since I’ve heard from you! Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I don’t really use Facebook anymore. And I’m sad to say that I never got whatever letter you’re talking about? I must say I’m sad to have missed out on it by the sound of it. Was it a love letter? I must say my fifteen-year-old self would have been ecstatic at hearing that if it was the case. I always found you really handsome. Okay, now I’m the one oversharing. But I hope you’re well too, Phil._

Phil frowned. Connor hadn’t gotten the letter? He supposed that it could have gotten lost in the mail. He hadn’t counted on that. Now, he was just annoyed that he had bothered Connor in the first place when it hadn’t been necessary. It was a bit humiliating but Connor seemed to be a good sport about it. Being called handsome at fifteen was an outright lie though, because Phil had been a tall awkward bean back then but he still messaged Connor back to say thanks and apologise once more.

It was actually nice to hear from him again.

With that out of the way, Phil was ready to focus on his last confrontation. Cornelia. He even planned out a day to go to her house, putting it in his calendar so it was more difficult to chicken out.

He had not counted on Cornelia stopping by the house first.

It had been a lazy Sunday and Phil had just gone down to the kitchen to eat some cereal for breakfast. His parents had already left for the day, heading to a birthday party for an old friend in London and Phil was trying to figure out how to entertain himself in an empty house. He was thinking about asking Dan to come over again. Dan could entertain him. Surely that fell under fake boyfriend obligations.

The front door swung open and Phil froze with his spoon in front of his mouth. A bit of milk spilled as he stared at who had walked in through the door like she was a ghost. He had thought that she knocked before coming in. Hadn’t she done that before? The day Phil had fled to the ice cream shop?

But now she walked in like she owned the place and she even had a stack of envelopes in her hands. It was an old habit that she had developed pretty quickly. It had originally been Martyn’s job to bring in the letters, but he had always forgotten it so Cornelia had started doing it for him.

She saw how his eyes lingered on the stack of letters in her hand and she smiled. She still looked beautiful when she smiled but there was nothing stirring in Phil at the sight of her smile. No love. No longing. Just Cornelia stepping back into his life like she had always done.

“Sorry, old habit,” she said, waving the letters before walking over and setting them down on the counter.

Phil realised to his mortification that the one on the top was very familiar. It was one of his handwritten letters, the one addressed to Connor, only it had been stamped that it was unable to be delivered and was to be returned to sender. It had come back. Cornelia seemed to notice it too.

“How many did you send out?” she asked, like the two of them hadn’t just spent over a month not talking at all because of this.

Phil knew the most important thing for him to say.

“I’m sorry. I had no right to write that letter. I’m so sorry,” he blurted out, setting his spoon down and not even caring that it made some of the milk slush over the side.

“Phil, calm down,” Cornelia said, touching the back of his hand so gently. “I’m not mad or anything. Why would you think that?”

“Because… because we haven’t spoken in so long? Because I’m just Martyn’s geeky little brother and I made it awkward by getting a crush on you and now you both hate me. Or well, you hate me because I know you haven’t talked to Martyn or he would have flown back to hit me over the head.”

Cornelia let out a chuckle. “I haven’t told him, you’re right, but not because of anything like that. It’s just… it’s your private feelings. You don’t need them advertised to your brother without your consent. I’d never do something like that to you.”

Phil might not be feeling the flutters in his stomach but he still felt like his heart expanded. He had missed her so much.

“Hey, can I give you a hug?” he asked, standing up from his chair.

“Of course, I’ve missed you, you big tall boy,” Cornelia said and yanked Phil into a hug. She was so small but Phil liked wrapping his arms around her. Even if he was the big one of them, Cornelia had a very large personality that made her seem so much bigger.

“I missed you too,” Phil confessed, pulling away from the hug after a few moments. “And I don’t… I don’t feel like that... in the letter anymore.”

“Are you sure?” Cornelia asked, and Phil couldn’t read her tone. She didn’t sound mad or patronising, just genuinely confused.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Phil,” Cornelia said, in her big sister voice. “Every word in that letter was… it has a kind of yearning but I’m not sure it was ever for me. It sounded more like you were yearning for the idea of me and Martyn, you know? I’m obviously flattered you like me but it just feels like you want to find a love like we have rather than necessarily wanting me, you know?”

Phil thought he could still remember Cornelia’s letter pretty well, at least the best out of the five letters. She pulled it out from her back pocket all of a sudden and put it down on top of Connor’s letter.

“It’s… I guess?” Phil asked, confused.

“I love you, Phil,” Cornelia said, voice sincere. “I love you a lot but not romantically. I’m sorry if I’m wrong in my assumptions and that hurts you. I never want to hurt you.”

“You are being too kind,” Phil said. “Entirely, too kind.”

“No,” Cornelia said and shook her head. “I’ve just missed one of my best friends. But I wanted to give you space.”

“For me to get over you? Because I started dating Dan?”

“No,” Cornelia said to his surprise. “Not exactly.”

“Then why?”

“You needed to find yourself without me and Martyn always being with you. Learn to stand on your feet without me or him around. That’s hard. I needed to learn it too.”

“Wait, hold up, so you don’t care about the fact that I’m dating someone else at all?” Phil asked.

He wondered if his and Dan’s charade had been for nothing. But then again, hadn’t he gotten much more out of it than holding Cornelia at bay?

“Of course I care, but only because I care about you. I was a little surprised to see you with Dan but at the same time, I was rooting for you two every step of the way, even if I had to do it from far away. You’re really cute together.”

“Cute?” Phil asked. “Rooting for us?”

“Yeah, of course, I remember how you and him used to be friends and it’s like the worst kept secret at school that he has always had a big crush on you. It was lovely to see you finally come together.”

Phil’s brain felt like it had stopped working. Crush? Dan had a crush on him? No, that couldn’t be right. Dan was too cool for crushes. He went around kissing so many people, even sleeping with them. He couldn’t have a crush on Phil. None of that made sense.

But then again, there was something about the gentle way that Dan treated him. He was patient and kind and he always went out of his way to look after Phil even in their ridiculous situation.

Phil thought back to the attraction lessons and the feeling in his stomach dropped. Dan was always making up excuses to spend more time with him, he was always trying to touch or nudge him, just little bits and pieces. He got all up in Phil’s face and he looked at him as if he was the only thing in the whole world.

Phil had never been able to tell what those looks meant.

He had been blind.

“Hey, are you okay?”

Phil was decidedly not okay but he needed some time to process. He also didn’t want Cornelia to leave, not quite yet.

“Can you… can you go get us ice cream? From the little shop?”

“You want ice cream in the middle of October?”

“Yes,” Phil said. “And I just need a moment, but I want to talk to you. I’ve missed talking to you.”

Cornelia shot him an understanding smile. “Then I’m on ice cream duty. I’ll take my time, yeah?”

Phil just nodded and then Cornelia left him with all of his confusing feelings. He wasn’t sure how to address it, or how to be sure of anything concerning Dan. Phil had been getting much better at reading him but he wasn’t sure he had been good enough if he missed something like this.

Or maybe he was reading too much into it.

Phil leaned out to touch the two letters. Two more back in his possession, he had gotten four back now if you counted the photo of Lilly’s letter from Canada. Every single one except Dan’s.

Phil didn’t want to read Cornelia’s, not when she would soon be back with ice cream. But he needed to do something, so he turned to his second oldest letter. Maybe, there was something within it that would let Phil know what might be in Dan’s as well.

_Dear Connor Franta,_

_I’m sad we’re not going to be bunk beds buddies anymore. I never really liked summer camps but this one has been fun. It’s been fun because of you._

_I was a little intimidated by you at first. The cool American in the UK for the summer but you’re so kind and sweet. You help everyone, even the younger kids that most of the teenagers don’t bother with._

_I think that conversation late last night might have changed my life. I’m not gay like you, but I like boys too. It’s not something I’ve ever been able to talk about someone with. I like that, I want to always have someone like that to talk to._

_You are such a good listener and you’re so daring. It’s contagious, even for someone who has never been brave in his whole life._

_You make me believe falling in love with a boy and growing up, maybe even getting married isn’t just a pipe dream. You said that our time will come. One day people will understand._

_I hope you’re right. I hope our day will come. For us and the people like us._

_I love you._

_Love, Phil Lester_

Cornelia’s words were still ringing in his ears and he could see it now. He quickly grabbed both Connor’s and Cornelia’s letter and he ran up to his room to find Thomas’ and the photo of Lilly’s on his computer.

He read them all over, once more, forgetting about Cornelia coming back for a moment. She was right. Every single one contained longing and sure, he liked the people but he was more professing his admiration of them, instead of his love specifically for them. It was like he was yearning from something intangible.

He was yearning for what they represented rather than the specific people. He knew he had loved them, even crushed on them, but he hadn’t been in love. He had never fallen in love with any of them.

He felt stupid that he hadn’t seen it until now. He wished for the qualities that the people had and for the way that they made him feel, but he wasn’t sure that was what you felt when you were properly in love.

Wasn’t it supposed to take your breath away?

Make you nervous and want to spend all your time with that person?

Because no matter how boring, it would be interesting to hear because you got to hear it from their lips?

Phil had yearned for something that he hadn’t been able to pinpoint, something he hadn’t been able to describe because he had never actually fallen in love before.

Until…

Phil saw flashes of Dan from his inner eye. The cheeky boy who wasn’t the perfect person that Phil had thought he would fall in love with. He was so much more. He was crass at times, but so caring. He had a shitty family and it made him defensive but he tried to be better. He kissed and slept around and he kept people at arm’s length, but he also loved his friends so deeply. He made sure Phil was safe and comfortable every step of the way.

Love and care, Phil’s mother had said. It was what Dan had needed. Phil was stupid for thinking he didn’t know what that looked like when Dan had been showing him how to love and care through every step of this crazy journey they embarked on together.

Now only one question remained. Would Phil be brave enough to speak up?

“Phil! I’ve got the ice cream,” Cornelia called from downstairs.

Phil looked over the four letters again and he wondered how people ever found the courage to say their feelings out loud.

He was still a little scared that he was wrong about Dan.

He let out a sigh and chewed on his lip. This was too much. Even if Dan did have a crush on him, could Phil reciprocate like Dan deserved? Or did Phil just like the idea of Dan? He could break Dan’s heart, as well as his own, if he rushed into this.

“Coming,” Phil called down to Cornelia and left the letters behind for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry Connor wasn't so much in this chapter! I wanted to include him more but the chapter was already over 15k, so he had to do with just a little mention. I feel bad, 'cause I love Connor (he was one of the first YouTubers I ever watched). Anyway, lots and lots of stuff to unpack in this chapter. I didn't set out with this story intending to give Dan a shitty background story but it kind of happened on accident. I hope you liked all the lovely scenes that followed though! And stay tuned for next week! I've already got 9k written down for it, so it will be another long one. And yes, there will be a hot tub scene!
> 
> Comments are very, very welcome. PEDIA is kicking my ass. If all things go as planned, the chapter will go up on Monday around 8 PM CEST.


	5. Dan's letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Realising your feelings and being brave enough to act on them was two very different things, Phil learned. Throw in a ski trip and a hot tub and it was a lot to deal with all at once. It was a good thing Phil had a warm boy by his side that gave him courage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive, massive thank you to my beta ThoughtaThought who betaed this under a time crunch and came with lots of great suggestions. The fic would not have been the same without you, thank you so much for everything.
> 
> TW: Shitty parents (homophobia), changing to conform to parents' wishes (in the past)

Two months seemed to whizz by. Phil wasn’t sure if it was due to it being his final school year or if it was because he’d gotten so busy pretending to date Dan, but he knew that both September and October passed too fast. The November chill dug its claws into the ground and with the arrival of that month also came something that Phil had entirely forgotten about.

It was almost odd considering it had been written in capitals across his and Dan’s dating rules. Frankly, Phil hadn’t looked at them since he’d written it. The rules were the foundation for their fake relationship and it was Phil that insisted on having them. But things had gotten very blurry since then.

Phil wasn’t sure where the pretending ended or where it began in the first place. He had never been in a relationship before this fake one with Dan, but he couldn’t help but feel like it had morphed into something real. Maybe his foolish heart was taking things too far.

It had already been a few weeks ago that Cornelia had stopped by but their conversation had left Phil shaken and frightened. He hadn’t yet worked up the courage to do anything about it. He wasn’t sure how Dan would handle his confession. They were never supposed to get feelings tangled up in this.

It was supposed to be a distraction and a reputation cleaner: it was never meant to be anything more. Dan didn’t do relationships, which was why he had been keen to have a fake one. Phil couldn’t just expect him to change his mind about something so fundamentally.

Even so, things had shifted between them since the day that Dan stayed over. The barriers between them had broken down and they had both gotten peaks into each other’s family life. Dan seemed a little on edge at first, but Phil tried to do everything to show him that there wasn’t anything to be scared or embarrassed about.

Dan seemed to anticipate rejection from Phil after getting a peak behind the closed doors. But instead, it had only pulled Phil harder toward the magnetism of Dan Howell.

He allowed himself to pine and relished in all the little things that Dan still did as per their fake dating rules. Phil saved screenshots of Dan’s texts in a specific folder and he had even taken to writing down his favourites by hand. Phil leaned into Dan’s touch when they walked around school or sat in the cafeteria. They always met up on the weekend, either going to house parties or playing video games at Phil or Jack’s house. It was amazing. It gave Phil a taste of something he hadn’t realised he wanted until it was right in front of him.

It wasn’t the same as longing for just any relationship. He didn’t want just anyone, regardless of how hot or kind they might be. When he thought about the future, he couldn’t see anyone but Dan. Dan had become a permanent fixture in Phil’s daydreams about the future , even though he knew they would have ended things long before then.

He got so caught up in his thoughts that, before he knew it, it was the day before they were set to leave for the ski trip. They booked their tickets over a month ago when Dan had insisted that they should do it. He’d sounded so sure that their pretend relationship wouldn’t fall apart and Phil hadn’t questioned it. 

But then again, Dan had planned for their relationship to be a months long thing. The point was to convince everyone that he was capable of being in a steady relationship and not just someone who slept around. Phil needed to beat that into his brain like a mantra because his heart seemed to ignore it entirely.

“I have nothing to ski in,” Phil complained, throwing himself onto the bed. He’d asked Jack to come over, panicking because they needed to leave early tomorrow morning and he hadn’t packed yet.

Jack gave him a pitying look before shaking his head and starting to sort through Phil’s wardrobe.

“Never mind not having the right clothes. Do you even know how to ski?” Jack asked and looked over and saw Phil’s horrified face. Jack clicked his tongue. “Maybe you should have thought of before agreeing to go skiing in the first place.”

Phil hadn’t considered that either.

“Oh, my god, I don’t know how to SKI, Jack! How do I cancel? I can still cancel, right? Dan would understand.”

Jack snorted as he pulled out a thermal shirt from the back of Phil’s closet that he didn’t know he owned.

“I don’t think Dan cares much about skiing, Phil. He’s probably just planning on finally getting into your pants.”

“WHAT?” Phil said, nearly falling off his bed.

Jack turned around to face him, hands on his hips.

“Or have you slept with him already? I thought you’d at least tell me if you had,” he said, sounding both a little apprehensive and a little confused.

“No! No, we haven’t slept together,” Phil said, trying to fight away the blush. Did his classmates assume they’d already slept together, based on Dan’s reputation? Did Phil’s lack of dating experience factor into their assumptions? He hadn’t considered that other people might be interested in his sex life, or lack thereof, before but it hit him now.

They were teenagers with hormones, many of them sleeping with people for the first time themselves around this age. It was only natural that they were curious, even if it was a bit creepy and invasive.

“Okay,” Jack said and sat down on Phil’s bed. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out. I mean, I did kind of wonder, but I also figured it wasn’t something that you’d want to jump into.”

“You were right,” Phil said. “But why do you think Dan would… try to get into my pants during this trip?”

“I don’t know, because you’re sharing a room? Because a lot of people from school lose their virginity on that trip?”

“The concept of virginity is outdated and wrong. Between straights, but most certainly also between gays.”

Jack hummed. “Yeah, I know. I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just, you know, a thing people say,” Jack said and shrugged. “As long as you know you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. If Dan pushes you then you call me and I’ll find a way to punch him in the face,” Jack promised.

It made Phil laugh, the idea of Jack showing up like a knight to protect Phi’s chastity. Jack wasn’t coming along to the trip because all his spare money was budgeted for his recording equipment. He hadn’t been annoyed about it until he had learned that Phil was going with Dan and then he had wanted to be there to be a bit of a buffer.

“I don’t think you’ll need to punch him in the face,” Phil said. “He’s a good guy.”

“Yeah, I know that,” Jack said, surprising Phil because Jack had been cold towards Dan more often than not.

“Really? I thought you hated him.”

“I don’t _hate_ him,” Jack said and Phil shot him a look. “Okay, I definitely disliked him but the past few weeks have changed my opinion. Anyone who can beat my ass at video games, gets a stamp of approval. It’s just like that. Oh, and he pulled me aside one day and asked how to deal with you when you get fidgety and anxious.”

This was news to Phil.

“He did what?”

“Yeah, I think he noticed that I tend to drag you into empty classrooms to give you privacy and give you a moment to calm down. He wanted to know how I knew which rooms were always free. I told him I memorised the schedules every semester by looking at all the class overviews.”

Phil felt double touched at that and he almost felt like he was getting a little teary eyed. 

“Really?” Phil asked and he could hear the tightness in his voice but it was okay. Jack wouldn’t mind if he started crying. He would get a little embarrassed but then he would pull Phil into a hug and tell him that it was all okay.

“Yeah, of course,” Jack said.

“Why?”

“Because I care about you,” Jack said. “Simple as that, Phil. Which is why I don’t dislike Dan as much anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“He asked me for the ways to help you because of the same reason I learned them in the first place. He cares about you.” 

Phil had known that Jack memorised the semester schedules, but he hadn’t thought that Jack had done all that for _him_. That must have been hard to memorise so many shifting classes and now Dan was thinking about doing the same thing.

“Nom he doesn’t.” Phil shook his head. “He doesn’t.”

Jack moved to grab Phil’s hands. “Of course he does. You’re the first person he’s ever seriously dated. Of course he likes you.”

It was too much. The lies were becoming too much. Phil couldn’t take it. He’d been lying to everyone for months and it was too much to have Jack be so sincere and nice and still not know the truth.

“It’s not,” Phil said and he was sure he was really starting to cry now. “It’s all fake. Pretend.”

“What do you mean?” Jack asked but he didn’t let go of Phil’s hands.

“It’s just something we decided. I… I wrote these cheesy love letters that Mum accidentally posted and it was very embarrassing.”

“Love letters, what are you on about, mate? What does that have to do with dating Dan?” Jack asked, confused. 

“It’s… it’s something I’ve been doing for a few years. Just to deal with my feelings. They were never meant to be read by anyone, least of all the people they were for but they got sent. Dan got one of them, but so did Cornelia.”

“Oh, no.”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“I’m tempted to say that sucks almost as much ass as Dan,” Jack said, nudging Phil with his elbow. 

“Shut up,” Phil mumbled but he was smiling a little now. “So… I didn’t know what to do. I was panicking.”

“Okay, I’m trying to follow,” Jack said, looking like he did in math whenever the teacher wrote on the board. “How did the love letters lead to you fake dating Dan?” 

“I’m not sure, it was Dan’s idea, the whole pretend relationship thing. He suggested it when we accidentally met up that Friday, and I spilled the beans about the letters since he kind of deserved an explanation after a surprise kiss I planted on him.”

“That’s a lot, Phil. Messy. Somehow, I’m almost not surprised because this could only happen to you but… damn, a whole fake relationship? That’s complicated, even for you,” Jack said, looking like he was still processing.

“I know,” Phil said biting into his lip and then chewing on it anxiously. He had dreaded telling Jack this but it was going well.

“Wait, you kissed Dan first?” Jack said, now hitting him on the shoulder. “You’ve got more game than you give yourself credit for.”

Jack was joking around to try to lighten the mood and Phil couldn’t help but feel thankful. It meant that Jack wasn’t so mad that he was distanced from normalcy. He was taking it much better than learning that Dan and Phil were dating in the first place.

“It wasn’t planned,” Phil sputtered. “I panicked. With the kiss but also when I agreed that it would be a good idea to fake date. I just thought that it might solve my problems, at least for a little while, but it just made everything so much more complicated. Dan’s letter was the first one I ever wrote. It was years ago, so I thought no feelings could be there anymore, but…”

“But you like him now. Don’t you?” Jack asked, holding Phil’s hands firmly.

“Yeah,” Phil admitted shakily. “I’m stupid, aren’t I? I couldn’t even keep my feelings in check? Me! Who gets like one or two crushes a year? It’s ridiculous!”

“Hey. Phil. It’s okay. You’re okay,” Jack said. “You can’t blame yourself for this. You couldn’t have known that the feelings would come back.”

“But that’s just it! It’s not like the feelings came back, exactly. It’s… it’s different than it was before. I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Maybe try?” Jack said gently. “You look like you need to talk about it and I’m here to listen. You know I’m here for you. I’m always on your side, Phil.”

Phil let out a bit of a wet laugh and he squeezed Jack’s hands back. “You’re not mad?”

Jack shook his head. “I’m not mad. I’m worried about you, if anything. You hate lying. This must have been tearing you apart.”

“Yeah,” Phil admitted. “You’re a really good friend, you know?”

“Friends are supposed to look out for each other; support each other. That’s all I’m doing, Phil. Now, tell me anything you need to say. Concerns, insecurities, anything.”

“You sound more like a therapist right now,” Phil teased.

Jack reached out and flicked Phil on the forehead. “Would a therapist do that?” Jack said, smiling smugly and crossing his arms.

Phil rubbed his forehead. “No, I guess not. That hurt by the way.”

“You deserved it,” Jack said with a wink. “Now spill. Why is it different with Dan?”

Phil shifted a little on the bed, trying to get more comfortable. He wasn’t exactly sure how to talk about this, but Jack was right that he needed to figure out what Dan meant to him. Why he seemed to mean more with each passing day.

“It’s just different. Something Cornelia said made me realise it,” Phil said picking at the edge of his sheet just to occupy his hands. “Like in all the love letters, I’m longing for something but it’s more traits and situations than the actual people. But with Dan? I can’t imagine being with anyone but him. It’s not some idea anymore. It’s _him_.”

“Oh, Phil.”

“I know.”

“Have you told him? That it’s not just pretend for you anymore?”

“No,” Phil said, shaking his head. “I don’t know how to tell him about this.”

“You need to,” Jack said, voicing what Phil already knew. It was nice to hear it from someone else. It made it feel more real.

It didn’t make it any less scary.

“I’ll tell him after the ski trip. It’s as far as we agreed to date in our relationship rules. When we’re past that point, I’ll tell him. Then he can just dump me if he doesn’t feel the same and I haven’t fucked up our agreement.”

“You seriously think he’d do that?”

“What do you mean?”

“Have you not seen how that boy looks at you?” Jack asked. “Phil, he looks at you like you hung the moon and the stars. I… I didn’t doubt for a second that your relationship was real because Dan is absolutely smitten with you. He might feel the same way you do.”

Phil wasn’t sure what to make of that, but it made his heart beat very, very fast. Part of him wanted to reject it outright because it was too good to be true. Another part of him wanted to ask Jack if he really meant it.

Jack seemed to see the turmoil in Phil’s eyes and he got off of the bed to dive back into his closet to look for winter appropriate clothing. They didn’t talk more about it until Jack left that evening after dinner.

Jack paused at Phil’s front door, hand on the handle and looking over his shoulder.

“Believe in yourself, Phil. But look after yourself as well, yeah?”

“Yeah. I’ll try.”

“Call me if you need anything,” Jack said.

Phil pulled him into a hug and let it linger a little longer than normal. Jack held him back. It helped steady Phil’s nerves a bit. It worked well until he was at the airport.

The plane ride was short and everyone was shuffled around in seats all over the plane, so it wasn’t like he ended up to anyone he knew, even if Dan had tried to bribe the middle-aged lady next to Phil into switching seats. She hadn’t moved and Phil had begged Dan to leave before he made things more awkward. Dan had only agreed when Phil had leaned in and pressed a kiss to his cheek and promised him that they would have a lot of time to spend time together this weekend.

Dan walked away with a big smile on his face and Phil wondered if Jack could be right, even if it was difficult for his brain to even associate a word like smitten with his mental image of cool and collected player Dan Howell.

Because both the school and the students wanted to keep the costs as low as possible, they had caught the early red-eye plane and they would be leaving the following day, very late in the evening. It meant only one night but to Phil that was more than enough. Based on all the chatter around him as the students gathered, most seemed to have come to drink and relax more than to actually ski. It made him feel a little better about being unable to ski.

Until Dan decided to try to drag him out on the slopes as soon as they had dropped their luggage in their shared room. With just one double bed. Phil had eyed it with caution but Dan had been more focused on getting changed and enjoying some time out on the slopes. He had practically pulled Phil out of the room. 

“How do you even know how to ski?” Phil asked, trying to get the weird shoes he had just rented clipped onto a pair of skis that he also rented.

Dan came over to help click them in correctly. He kneeled at Phil’s feet and shuffled and wiggled Phil’s foot until it locked properly.

“I’m not that good. My family never had the money for ski trips, but I’ve been on the past two school trips. It’s expensive, but it’s good to get some fresh air and be away from everything, you know? It feels like life moves differently when all you can see around you is dunes of snow and all you can feel is the fresh air on your skin. That and the rugby guys dared me that I couldn’t learn to ski in just a couple of days the first time. Clearly, I had to prove them wrong,” Dan said with a wink at Phil.

Almost as if they had been summoned by the mention, several of the rugby guys, Joe and Mark included, came by them in a large group.

“You ready to lose our race, Howell?” Mark asked, a challenge in his voice.

Phil expected Dan to rise to the challenge. Phil was already trying to figure out if he could get out of these shoes without Dan’s help because there was no way he was going out to the slopes alone if Dan was going to race.

Dan’s reply caught him off guard.

“No, sorry. Maybe later? If I have time. I’ve got to teach Phil how to ski first,” Dan said unapologetically.

Phil wasn’t the only one surprised. Mark’s face did a weird surprised twitching thing.

“You’re ditching our tradition? Why? Are you scared I’ll win this year?” Mark said, typical posturing to accompany his words.

Dan didn’t rise to the bait.

“I’ll gladly kick your ass later, but until Phil needs a break he has my full attention,” Dan said, barely sparing another glance in the boys’ direction.

“Damn. I didn’t know getting a boyfriend would make you so dull, Howell,” Mark said, something off about his tone.

It almost sounded like jealousy. Maybe of their situation? Phil almost wanted to tell him that there wasn’t anything to be jealous of there. Their situation was a goddamn mess.

“See you on the slopes, Marky,” Dan just said, casually and then all his attention was on Phil again. “Ready?”

Phil nodded, a little awed by what he had just witnessed. It took all his strength to keep his heart from falling deeper. Phil had learned over the past couple of months that Dan wasn’t what he seemed to be while they hadn’t been on speaking terms. Even so, it was weird to see it so clearly.

Dan took Phil’s hand and helped him scoot out on the snow. Phil quickly learned that he was not made for skies, not at all. His legs never did what they were supposed to and his balance constantly felt off. Dan teased him that it was because of his thicc ass. Phil blushed and tried to hit Dan with one of his ski walking stick thingies but he hadn’t been able to reach. Dan also teased Phil for calling them walking stick thingies. Phil refused to learn their real name because Dan smiled too much when he said it wrong.

Phil lasted about two hours before he was ready to give up and never strap a pair of skies to his feet again.

“Why don’t you go race Mark and the boys?” Phil asked. “I think I’m done for the day. No, I think I’m done forever.”

“You are a bit like Bambi on ice,” Dan said. “But it’s cute.”

Phil started fidgeting with his ski boots to avoid looking at Dan’s face. He wasn’t sure he could handle the expression that accompanied those words. Dan had been calling him hot and cute and complimenting him for months now, but his heart kept trying to make him interpret it differently now. Dan was probably playing along with their fake dating rules and trying to be nice and sappy.

Dan kneeled down in front of Phil again. The skis clicked off easily under Dan’s hands. Phil felt a little bit like the skis. He would fumble with himself and his emotions so very much but then Dan came along and just unlocked something in him.

Dan was showing Phil that loving someone could be easy and real; genuine in a way that Phil had never felt before.

“I’d like to see you kick Mark’s arse,” Phil said. “He deserves it.”

Dan smiled and it made his dimples show. Dan was so close, still kneeling by Phil’s feet and Phil couldn’t stop his impulsive fingers. He reached out, almost cupping Dan’s cheek as he gently pressed his thumb into the little indent. It was so small when Phil touched it but it looked so big and attention catching when on Dan’s face.

“As you wish,” Dan said, voice sounding a little rough all of a sudden. His smile was making his dimples come out too.

“I like your dimples,” Phil said, unsure how he could possibly be expected to say something that made sense when assaulted by dimples.

If it had been said in jest it would have been something else but Dan said it like he meant it and it scared Phil a little. Dan could be joking or playing into the ruse. He was very good at deadpan humour and sarcasm but Phil heard honesty in Dan’s voice that wasn’t there when he was joking.

“I’m glad you like them,” Dan said, leaning a little more into Phil’s touch. It was only then Phil realised that he was still letting his fingers and palm linger on Dan’s cheek and jaw. It should probably have been weird. Phil could hear the bustle of people around them, but he didn’t see anything but Dan.

“They’re soft and squishy, like you,” Phil said because he really lost his filter around Dan. It was a problem. It was really a wonder that he hadn’t blurted out his feelings over these past couple of weeks.

This made Dan let out a howl of laughter and he sat back on his haunches. Phil’s hand lingered in the air for a beat and he almost wanted to pout and tell Dan to come back. Dan wiped the corners of his eyes.

“I’ll show you soft and squishy. I have abs, you know,” Dan said.

Normally, Phil wouldn’t have cared at all. He had seen too many photos of hot guys in magazines with washboard abs and not felt a single tinge of arousal. Same with gorgeous women in skimpy bathing suits. He never understood how that could be attractive. His brain didn’t work like that.

But the idea of abs on Dan, imaging how they would fit against Dan’s warm and familiar skin was a pleasant thought.

“Go use them then,” Phil said and gestured with his hands. “Show them all who’s boss.”

“What do I get if I win?” Dan asked.

“Isn’t that something you should clear with your competitors and not me?” Phil asked.

“Maybe, but I want my price from you,” Dan said, tilting his head slightly to the side and actually pouting. “How about a kiss?”

Phil wasn’t sure what to make of the feeling that shot through him. Part of him wouldn’t mind kissing Dan. He found himself thinking about it more and more in the last few weeks. Another part of him hated that it would be on display in front of everyone. It was not how he wanted to kiss Dan again.

But Phil was weak when it came to Dan and the boundaries had been crumbling for a long time. He told himself to just get over it. It was just a kiss. He had already kissed Dan in front of people before. Twice if you counted the Truth and Dare as well as the kiss that had started all of this.

“Okay,” Phil said, smiling a little strained. “A kiss if you win.”

Dan’s eyes grew wide. He clearly hadn’t counted on Phil agreeing. Maybe he had only been joking, but right now he looked too excited for Phil to take it back.

“Okay,” Dan said, still looking slightly bewildered. “Okay. Okay, I’ll go kick all their asses.”

Dan reached out to take Phil’s hand and give it a squeeze. “Watch me?”

Phil was a weak, weak man and he agreed to that as well. He was not the only one who lined up to see the rugby boys’ race. He gathered that it was something they did every year and it was quite the event. Yet Dan had been more than prepared to bow out of it. There were more boys than just Dan and Mark but everyone cheering seemed to be yelling one of their names. Phil might have started to shout Dan’s name too.

He didn’t really care about sports, or racing, or anything, but he had been to enough of Dan’s games by now that he knew the chant well enough by now.

So far, they had stayed away from anything that was very steep and Phil had hardly seen Dan ski because he had been so focused on not falling over while they were both on their skis. But watching Dan was something quite special.

He moved fluidly, just like he did on a rugby field and Phil couldn’t stop his heart from leaping into his throat as they started to pick up speed. He was worried that Dan would get hurt. So many people broke bones when they went skiing and it looked like all the rugby boys were going entirely too fast.

They were egging each other on, but as the race went on Dan and Mark broke ahead of the crowd. Phil found himself rooting for Dan, forgetting the kiss. He really wanted Dan to kick Mark’s ass. He watched with bated breath as they raced toward the unofficial finish line.

Dan managed to beat Mark by a hair. Everyone cheered but the cheers rang weirdly in Phil’s ears. He stumbled forward, rushing to Dan’s side.

Dan pulled his goggles up on his forehead and shot Phil the biggest smile. Phil thought he would be okay to walk through the snow without skis on but he still slipped as he reached Dan. Dan moved to catch him and they ended up pressed against each other.

“Hi,” Dan said, smiling so wide. His dimple was showing again and Phil would have tried to poke it once more if his hands weren’t too busy clinging onto Dan.

“Hi,” Phil said, breathless even if he wasn’t the one who had just skated like a maniac.

Dan leaned in to brush their lips together, the softest of touches and Phil would probably have gotten lost in that feeling if it wasn’t for the second round of cheers that started immediately. 

Phil pulled back and hid his face in Dan’s neck. Dan tensed and Phil caught a flash of worry across Dan’s face before he had hidden.

“Cut it out, guys,” Dan said, waving a hand behind Phil’s back. “Leave us be.”

There were a few noises of complaint but the crowd seemed to quiet down. Phil slowly pulled himself out of his shoulder.

“Are you o-” Dan didn’t get to finish his question because Mark walked up to them and put his hand rather harshly on Dan’s shoulder.

“Champion once again, Howell. And this time you got a kiss from a blushing maiden and everything,” Mark joked.

“Don’t talk about my boyfriend like that,” Dan said, protectively. He tried to put his arm around Phil, but Phil just moved back.

There were too many eyes on them out here. It was unsettling and Phil didn’t like it. He wanted to go back and hide in his room for a bit. They only really had another hour of skiing before dinner would be served and then the highly anticipated after ski drinking would begin.

“Whatever, Howell. You won, so you’re drinking on me tonight,” Mark said.

“We’ll see. I might be otherwise occupied,” Dan said, voice harsh.

“Oh, right, of course,” Mark said and then shot Phil a look that he definitely didn’t appreciate. It made him feel like a piece of meat.

“I’m gonna head in,” Phil said, stumbling away from Dan and Mark.

“Hey, hold up,” Dan said, a little desperately.

“No, you stay and ski for the last hour, okay? I’ll see you later.”

Phil fled before he got a response. He hid in their room, finally shedding those damned heavy ski clothes. He was glad to be out of them, and he was glad they had kept him warm. He sent a thank you text to Jack for helping him pack.

Phil played a mobile game on his phone for an hour, focusing on harvesting crops in an attempt to ignore the chaos that was his real life. It was much simpler to farm and do minigames.

Dan came back with red cheeks and leftover snow in his hair. He looked positively kissable but Phil still felt something unsettled between them after their third kiss, even if it had been more of a peck than a proper kiss.

“Hey,” Dan said, and sat down on the edge of the bed.

The one bed. The singular bed they would be sharing tonight. Phil was not freaking out about that in the slightest.

“Have a good time?” Phil said and he reached out to poke Dan’s cheek. It was warm. It was like he had no restraints since Dan nuzzled his face into Phil’s hand. It was just another thing added to the mounting desire to touch and be close to Dan. It was a new and exciting feeling.

“Not as good as if you’d have been with me,” Dan said smoothly and it sounded like flirting, but these were the kind of remarks that confused Phil. They were alone in their room. No one could see or hear them. Dan didn’t need to keep up appearances.

“If I had been with you, we’d have been moving at snail’s pace,” Phil said, poking Dan’s other cheek. It was warm too.

“I’d rather move with you at snail’s pace than race with anyone else,” Dan said and Phil wasn’t sure if they were talking about skiing anymore.

Phil didn’t try to stop the smile that made a home on his face. Dan got changed and Phil looked the other way, just like he had done the first time. He was a little curious to see Dan without his clothes. He wanted to know if Dan was telling the truth about those abs, but he wanted to respect Dan’s privacy more.

Once Dan was dressed again, they went down for the big student dinner. There was entirely too much food, but Phil loved a good buffet, and he piled food on top of his plate. Dan watched with mounting amusement, looking positively endeared.

Phil started to pile food onto Dan’s plate as well.

“What? You need more than you can fit on your own plate?” Dan asked, teasingly.

“No, you need to try new things,” Phil said, plucking more things from the selection.

“But what if I don’t like it?” Dan asked, sounding genuinely curious.

“Then I’ll try it.”

“And if you don’t like it?”

“We’ll feed it to the dog.”

“They don’t have a dog here, Phil,” Dan said and he was actually giggling now.

“We’ll find a dog. I’m an excellent dog finder,” Phil proclaimed moving down the buffet line.

In the end, they had way too much food and they only liked about half of what they got, but they had too much fun to really mind. Phil made sure to get small portions of everything the next time around so not much food went to waste.

The drinking started during the dinner, but Dan just nursed a beer like he usually did at parties. Mark, Joe and the rugby guys came by with a round of shots and Dan took one in solidarity but rejected the second round.

“You can drink, you know?” Phil said, putting a hand on Dan’s knee to catch his attention. “You don’t have to stop yourself for me. I want you to have fun.”

“You think I don’t have fun just hanging out with you? You’re fun. I’m having fun,” Dan said, almost giggly with his tone.

“I know,” Phil said, because these past months had been fun. They had been perhaps the most fun that Phil had ever had. But it was fun on a time limit and he wasn’t sure how to tell Dan that he wanted something more permanent. Something real.

“You know what would be fun?” Dan said, leaning in close.

“What?”

“Hot tub!” he said excitedly and a little too loudly for how he was almost pressed into Phil’s side. “Wouldn’t that be fun?”

Phil wasn’t sure what Dan meant by that. But he nodded all the same. “I guess? Later, maybe? I have to go call my mum. I promised to tell her that I got here safe and sound and I haven’t gotten around to it yet.”

Phil had promised to call his mother but he probably could have waited until later. Maybe he just wanted a bit of breathing room from Dan. He wasn’t sure where all of this was leading. He wasn’t sure he was ready to walk the road paved in front of them.

His mother’s voice was a comforting one. It was already 9 PM and Phil knew that her and Nigel would likely be settled in front of the TV with Strictly Come Dancing on the telly.

“Child!” she greeted him pleasantly. “Did you have a good flight? You arrived okay?”

“Yeah, everything went great. Sorry for calling so late, I was busy skiing.”

“Skiing? Phil, are you sure you should be doing that?” Kath asked, sounding a little anxious.

“Yes? What else did you think I would do on a ski trip?”

“Well, from my understanding from the other parents, most of you young people go there to party all night, which is fine! I’m more worried about you breaking a leg by accident. I trust you to look out for yourself at a party.”

“I’m not sure if I should be offended or happy at that comment,” Phil said, flopping down on his bed.

He wasn’t away from his house a lot and even if it was just one night, it did make him feel a twinge of homesickness. It was a good thing that he had Dan to keep him company.

“I only speak the truth,” Kath said. “But really? Skiing? Did you get injured?”

“No, don’t worry. We took it very slow.”

“We?” she asked, in that mum tone and Phil was pretty sure she had known who he had meant but she wanted him to confirm it all the same.

“Me and Dan,” Phil said. “He was teaching me. He’s really good at skiing, actually.”

“Aw, that’s lovely, dear.”

“Yeah,” Phil said, almost in a sigh.

“He’s a good kid. Dan,” Kath said. “He’s good for you too. He brings out your smile and you laugh so much when he’s over. It’s nice to see.”

“Mum, you’re embarrassing.”

“Oh, shush. I’m allowed to be embarrassing when my youngest is falling in love,” she said.

Phil nearly dropped the phone and he wondered if he had been blind this whole time. His own mother had seen right through him, maybe before he realised himself. She said it so approvingly as well, almost like she was getting ready to welcome Dan into the family just like she had done with Cornelia.

Phil was further thrown by the yearning in his chest at that scenario. He wanted that. He wanted Dan to come over for dinner more nights than not. He wanted Dan to sleep over. He wanted to head to school with Dan in the mornings. He wanted Dan next to him.

“Mum,” Phil said in a whine. “Okay, okay, enough! I’m off now, say goodnight to Dad for me, okay?”

“Look after yourself and your Dan, yes? See you tomorrow night!”

Kath hung up, but her words lingered in the air. Phil’s Dan. Phil had no claim on Dan other than a flimsy contract of a pretend relationship. He wanted it to be real though. Now more than ever.

Phil headed back down to the restaurant, which seemed to have been converted into a proper bar while Phil was away. He couldn’t see Dan but he did find Joe.

“Hey, Joe, have you seen Dan?”

“Oh, yeah! He said something about a hot tub? I think we’re all getting in later, but he wanted to enjoy it before that.”

Phil thanked him and then went back to his room only to realise that he hadn’t packed any swimwear. Then Jack got sent an angry emoji, which he didn’t respond to, but Phil hadn’t expected one because Jack livestreamed on Saturday nights. Phil would explain later.

Phil stripped down to his boxers and put on the robe that hung on the back of the door. The rooms were quiet, everyone was downstairs partying up a storm and Phil managed to sneak out to the little back area that he had seen when they arrived.

The hot tub was on, emitting an almost glowing blue light and there was a mop of curls peeking up over the edge. For a moment, Phil was about to tuck tail and ran back to his room but then he realised that it was Dan.

With a wet curly mop of hair.

Dan’s eyes lit up when he saw Phil come near.

“Hey you,” Dan said.

“What? I leave for half an hour and you forget my name?” Phil teased, tentatively walking over to the hot tub on his bare feet.

“Philip Michael Lester,” Dan said, clearly to prove a point, “as if I ever could forget anything about you.”

Phil’s heart started to race. It did that a lot lately. Dan was going to give him heart problems. But maybe he would also be the thing to soothe Phil’s heart. If only Phil could talk about what was on his heart in the first place.

It felt scary to think about this, with Dan in a pool of glowing hot water. He was also shirtless. He sat up a little when Phil approached. Dan’s arms were spread out along the edge of the hot tub. Phil could see the top of his chest and it looked firm and fit. He couldn’t see if the abs bit was true but it was surprisingly nice seeing Dan like this.

He was completely relaxed, just watching Phil and patiently waiting.

Phil sat down at the edge of the hot tub, thankful for the little platform, so he could sit there and just dip his feet in without jumping in. A metaphorical toe in the water.

“Your hair looks cute when it’s curly,” Phil said, mentally damning the distance between him and Dan because he desperately wanted to reach out and curl his finger around one stubborn curl clinging to Dan’s forehead.

“I never liked the curls,” Dan said, looking up at his hair like it was a curse. “I always wanted hair that fell nicely straight down. Like your hair.”

“Like my hair?” Phil asked, surprise pulling a giggle from him.

“Yeah, I might have taken a photo of you to my hairdresser once,” Dan said looking down at the water, petting it with his hands at the admission.

Phil did laugh properly at that.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah,” Dan admitted, shyly.

This was the boy that Phil was worried would hurt him. It felt like quite a foolish thought looking at him now.

“When was this?”

Dan continued to pet the water, hands moving just along the surface in rhythmic movements.

“Two years ago?”

“But we weren’t even speaking then,” Phil said. Dan knew that. Of course, he knew that. Phil was just trying to put the pieces together.

“I know,” Dan said, almost bitterly. “Doesn’t mean that I didn’t think about you. You were my first friend at school, Phil. I thought I was about to start the worst part of my life, moving schools at that age, but instead, I met you and thought everything was going to be alright.”

It felt like too big a confession and Phil’s chest sat heavy with the confession of his own. But it was pushed aside now, due to confusion.

“But why… why didn’t we speak when you came back from India then? You just…”

“I was cold and rude to you?” Dan said.

“I wouldn’t have chosen those words, but yeah,” Phil said, wiggling his toes under the water. It was warm and nice. Phil wanted to jump in but he still needed the last nudge.

“It was… It was because of my father. He didn’t want a gay son. Mind you, I’m not even gay, but even bi was too close. So, I tried to be the son he wanted me to be. I joined the rugby team, acted all manly and shit, started chasing after lots and lots of girls. It lasted about a year before I started to chase after the boys too, but it seemed like it didn’t matter as much to my father because I was still a ladies’ man and an athlete. I always kept my guy hook-ups more secretive as well.”

“Dan,” Phil said, hurt coiling in the middle of his chest. He hadn’t known that was why Dan had suddenly changed over summer. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.”

“How could you? I didn’t want anyone to know. But… it’s not your fault, even if you indirectly caused it.”

“What do you mean?” Phil asked, leaning closer. He was getting his thighs and his robe wet now too, but he didn’t care.

“Phil,” Dan said, calling his name as if he was missing a neon sign flashing right before his eyes. “I didn’t shut up about you from the moment I met you. You were all I could talk about. My parents figured out I had a crush on you before I did. My father was very strict on our holiday and when I got back home, everything in my head was just twisted. I couldn’t be around you because you reminded me of all the things I couldn’t have. Of the me I wasn’t allowed to be.”

Phil was trying to take it all in but it was too much. His brain had nearly stopped at the word ‘crush’. Dan had a crush on him. Three years ago, right when Phil had also been crushing on him.

“Would…?” Phil’s voice cracked. “Would it have made a difference? If you had got my letter back then. When I wrote it after the truth and dare? If I had been brave enough to send it?”

Dan shook his head a little and submerged his hands under the water.

“We can’t live in what ifs, Phil. Trust me, I know it’s not a healthy way of looking at things. We would live in the what ifs forever. We can’t do that. We can only worry about the future.”

“The future? You want a future?”

“Of course,” Dan said, wiggling his eyebrows. “I don’t plan on life getting rid of me just yet.”

“I meant,” Phil said, hesitating and dipping his hand into the warm water. He was leaning in closer. “A future with me?”

Something in Dan’s expression shattered and Phil was glad he had raised his eyes to witness it. A smile slowly crept up on Dan’s face after the flash of surprise, his eyes softened and he looked almost like he might be tearing up. They were glistening just a little but that could also be the light reflected from the hot tub.

“Of course,” Dan said, his voice sounding just as fragile as he looked in that moment. “Of course, I want that.”

Now, Phil moved without thinking, he removed his robe and glided in. Dan’s eyes scanned his body only for a moment before he found Phil’s eyes and kept his gaze there.

Phil drifted over to where he was sitting, floating just in front of him. So close but still not touching. Dan’s eyes seemed to shine this close. Phil wanted to move closer but he was scared.

“Are you in your boxers?” Dan asked, biting into his lower lip to keep from grinning.

“Hey,” Phil said, leaning forward a little to nudge Dan’s shoulder in a weak slap. “I didn’t bring any swim shorts. I didn’t think we’d be going swimming in the middle of winter while surrounded by snow!”

Dan giggled.

“Okay, but you know you can get out anytime you want, right? I don’t want to push you to do anything, Phil. And… I think I owe you an apology for that kiss for winning thing. I wasn’t thinking, I just… I didn’t realise how uncomfortable you were until after I’d done it. I’m sorry.”

“I’m the one who agreed.”

“Still, I don’t want you to agree to anything you don’t want. Not for my sake. I don’t want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. I suggested the kiss half in jest anyway.”

“Half?” Phil asked.

“Well, I was partially serious,” Dan admitted. “I enjoy kissing you. I hate that no kissing rule, even if I will respect it for however long you need me to.”

“However long?” Phil asked, feeling his heart start to race even faster.

“Yes, even if it’s forever,” Dan said and he sounded like he meant it.

Phil’s heart melted a little. He shook his head.

“Not forever. I like kissing. I liked… I like kissing you,” he added shyly. “Just not in front of people, you know?”

It was ridiculous to say considering that they had only really shared three kisses in all the years that they had known each other and all of them had been public. Even so, Phil knew that it would be different to kiss Dan with no prying eyes. It would be better. Magical.

“I like kissing you too,” Dan said, still smiling up at Phil.

“If I wanted… If I wanted to suspend the kissing rule, just for a bit? How would you feel about that?” Phil asked.

Dan’s smile was enough of an answer, but he still gave Phil a verbal one.

“Absolutely no complaints,” Dan said sweetly and for the second time, Phil moved without thinking.

He only really realised that he had climbed into Dan’s lap when he was winding his arms around Dan’s neck.

“Then I’m suspending it. Consider it crossed out,” Phil whispered. Dan still seemed a little in shock, hands floating in the water beside them like he was scared to touch Phil. Phil let out a chuckle. “You can touch me, you know.”

Dan still didn’t seem sure but then Phil moved one hand to direct Dan’s left hand to Phil’s waist and Phil sat down fully on Dan’s lap. It felt a little weird, being pressed against him like this but mostly he still just felt warm and comfortable.

“Holy shit, Phil, are you sure you’re okay with this?” Dan asked, still looking worried that he was the one overstepping, even if Phil had literally climbed into his lap.

“I’m sure,” Phil said but then he had to take a moment to reconsider. “Just… I don’t want to do anything sexual. Not yet, but just… kiss me?”

“I can do that,” Dan said eagerly and leaned in.

Phil thought that he would go in with hunger but the press of Dan’s lips was soft against his. Just light pecks, coming in to kiss again and again. Phil was actually the one who deepened the kiss after a minute and he even found himself leaning further into Dan. Phil felt like his whole body was on fire.

It wasn’t scary, even when Dan leaned in closer too and nipped on Phil’s bottom lip.

“You feel nice,” Phil whispered against Dan’s lips.

“Phil, you’re positively sinful for someone so innocent,” Dan said with a fond laugh and leaned in to kiss Phil again.

Their making out grew more and more intense but neither of them tried to push it further despite being half naked and pressed against each other. Eventually, the fire lessened a little and then went back to the light kisses.

“I like this,” Phil admitted, pecking Dan’s lips again. They were a little swollen. Phil had done that. He was almost giddy with the realisation.

“I like this too,” Dan said, surprising Phil. He would have thought this was pretty tame stuff compared to what Dan was used to.

“Really? Even… even if I won’t sleep with you?” Phil had to ask. It was too big of an insecurity for him not to acknowledge it.

“Phil, I already told you. However much or little you want to do: I like _you_. That’s more important to me than anything else.”

Phil’s heart felt like it could burst. Really, Dan was only being a decent human, but Phil had read and heard too many words from people who weren’t. It was nice Dan wasn’t one of them. What was it that Kath had called him? A good kid.

“But I do want,” Phil admitted, still feeling shy and new to this. “I do also want you. To have sex with you, I mean. And that’s not something I’ve ever felt before, but you make me want to try it out. You make it seem less scary. You make me feel like we would still be us just more, I don’t know, intimate. Another layer. I want that. Later.”

“Oh, Phil, I’m going to fucking worship you the moment you let me,” Dan promised. “If that’s what you want. I’ll show you sex and you can show me intimacy. We can make it what we want together, yeah?”

Phil nodded and then moved to sit next to Dan to intertwine their fingers. In this warm hot tub, Dan was still the warmest thing within miles and it had nothing to do with actual temperature.

They stayed in the hot tub until their fingers got wrinkly and Dan joked that was how their skin would look decades down the line when they were old men sitting on a porch with matching checkered blankets across their laps. Phil had kissed him again for that as they made it back to their shared room.

The warm water and the kisses had left Phil feeling light-hearted and loose-limbed and he climbed under the covers and felt the fatigue start to settle in immediately. Dan followed just a moment later, climbing in slowly.

“Where do you stand on cuddling?” Dan asked.

Phil knew they had shared a sofa before but back then they had both conked out and been overtired. It was different being in a bed in a foreign country but Phil wasn’t nervous about sharing with Dan. Not anymore. They were on the same page. Finally, he felt like they could drop the pretence.

“I’m pro-cuddling,” Phil said and moved closer to the middle of the bed and back into Dan’s warmth. He wasn’t sure he would ever get enough of it. “But I might kick you in the shin, just fair warning.”

Dan chuckled. Another warm thing to add to the list.

“I’ll survive that, I think.”

Phil had thought that they would maybe spoon, because wasn’t that what couples did? But instead, Dan just climbed into Phil’s space and tangled their legs under the duvet and moved to hold Phil’s hands. They were close enough to share the extra pillow that had been laid in the middle of the double bed. Phil thought he didn’t mind sharing a pillow with Dan.

“A warning for you too, I get really warm when I sleep,” Dan said, gently padding his bare chest.

Phil had pulled an old T-shirt over his head and changed his boxers, but Dan was just in a pair of boxers. Phil didn’t mind the state of undress. He moved a hand down to rest against Dan’s stomach. There was a light definition of abs but there was still a softness to him. Everything about Dan seemed warm and soft.

“I like that you’re warm,” Phil said and snuggled closer until he could have his arms around Dan and rest his head under Dan’s chin. “You smell like warm too.”

Dan’s hands found the small of Phil’s back, and then gently moved down to cup his butt. It was not a grope, not with how light the touch was and Phil hummed contentedly.

“You really do have a nice ass,” Dan said and pulled his hands back. “Sorry.”

“I don’t mind. Like I said, you can touch me,” Phil said, sleepily and leaned even more into Dan’s warmth. He was pressed against him now, but it felt right. Dan’s hands went back on Phil’s butt, just gently resting there.

“Goodnight, Phil,” Dan said. “I hope the moon whispers you a lullaby and the stars sing in the choir.”

It was odd to hear one of Dan’s cheesy goodnight lines, even if it made Phil smile.

“I don’t need the moon or the stars. I’ve got you,” Phil said, revelling in the warm sleep that claimed him.

He could feel that he had had a good sleep from the moment he pried his eyes open. He felt warm and well rested even if there was still a bit of an ache in his muscles. He was clearly not made for skiing. He was however made for cuddles, he realised.

The two of them must have drifted apart a little in the night but now Phil couldn’t resist the urge to snuggled up into Dan’s side. It was not something he’d ever done before, but it felt nice. Dan was warm and his skin was soft when Phil put his hands on Dan’s side. He stirred slightly, almost humming under his breath before he noticed Phil had snuck up on him.

Phil hesitated for a moment, wondering if he had overstepped even if they had fallen asleep cuddling. Maybe it was only a night activity. However, his worries evaporated when Dan put an arm around Phil’s shoulders and pulled him closer until he was all up against him.

“Morning,” Dan mumbled, voice deep as he pressed a kiss to the top of Phil’s hair. Phil’s heart almost burst at the soft affection.

“Morning,” Phil said and he needed to hide from Dan’s observant eyes. He chose to put his face against Dan’s bare chest, which probably wasn’t the best hiding place from the man looking at him. Still, he was warm and he smelled nice. Phil let himself indulge a little.

“I’m glad we’ve moved on from waking up frantically on the sofa together and me worrying I made you miss school,” Dan said, his hand coming to rest on the small of Phil’s back. He swiped his thumb back and forth, ever so gently.

“That was nice too, though,” Phil said. “I fell asleep to the sound of you playing video games and I could feel you next to me.”

“What do you mean? What does that matter?” Dan asked, hand still gentle caressing Phil.

“Because then I knew you were okay,” Phil said, pressing his face into Dan’s chest and breathing deeply. “I was worried about you, so I couldn’t really go to sleep. But then I could feel you next to me. I figured nothing bad could happen as long as you stayed within reach.”

Dan’s hand stopped.

The silence lingered on.

“Oh. That’s… that’s really nice, Phil,” Dan said, after too many moments and Phil lifted his head to watch him. He really was cute this early in the morning. His hair was a bird’s nest on top of his head, his cheeks had pillow indents and right now his eyes looked a little glossy. Phil was worried that he had upset Dan for a moment before Dan smiled so softly.

It seemed the glassy eyes weren’t from bad emotions but good ones.

“You deserve nice things, Dan,” Phil said, taking his hand and squeezing it almost too tightly. He wasn’t sure Dan had ever heard that before, by his shocked expression, but Phil wanted to say it to him a dozen times. A hundred times. A thousand times. However long it would take for Dan to believe it.

“Can I have you?” Dan asked, winking and clearly trying to be flirty but there was real vulnerability in his tone under the bravado.

“I’m not a nice thing. I’m not a thing,” Phil chastised, even if he was grinning from ear to ear. “I can’t be had, but…”

“But?”

“Nothing, that was the end of that sentence,” Phil said and rolled off the bed clumsily. It was a little too much. He had a few too many confessions in his head at the moment. Too many wallss fell down this morning, in the soft light from the outside and Dan’s warmth, comfortable and half naked in the bed.

Dan grabbed Phil’s pillow and threw it right in his face. Phil let out a sound of surprise but he managed to catch the pillow as it hit his face.

“Liar,” Dan called out playfully, and sat up to grab his own pillow too.

“Oh, you’re dead,” Phil said, coming in with his pillow to bash against Dan’s side. Dan let out a squeal of delight and then the pillow fight ensued. It wasn’t that dainty and half-sexy pillow fighting that girls always seemed to do in cliché movies. This was war and they pulled no punches.

They laughed the whole way through and in the end, Dan surrendered but Phil had a feeling that it was only because Phil had managed to pin Dan to the bed and he was enjoying that a little too much. Phil hit him in the face one final time and climbed off.

Dan insisted on helping Phil ski again, even if Phil was pretty sure that it was an impossible feat. They went out together, heading to the smaller slopes further away so they could get to practice in peace, or rather so Dan could help Phil practice.

Dan applauded whenever Phil did something decently on the skis, which essentially meant whenever he didn’t fall on his butt. It was a bit much and Phil wasn’t sure if the heat in his cheeks was all due to the frost, but it was very fun and he couldn’t change it for the world. Phil was marginally better by the time they went back to the resort and to have dinner before heading to the airport. 

On the plane ride home, Dan had somehow managed to wrangle it so that they could sit next to each other. Dan’s seat mate was another one of their classmates and he had either bribed him or just spoken very convincingly because he came to pick up Phil for the switch before the plane had even taken off. On the ride home, Phil fell asleep against Dan’s shoulder. Dan teased him once they landed. He insisted that Phil had drooled on his shoulder and Phil insistented Dan should shut up. They were in their own little bubble and Phil hated to see it burst.

A bus took them back to the school parking lot where parents were waiting to take their children home. Everyone on the ski trip was from 16-18 and most could probably have made it home themselves, but it was still nice to see his dad waiting for him. Nigel waved Phil over. Phil grabbed Dan’s hand and pulled him along.

“What are you doing?” Dan asked.

“We’re giving you a lift home,” Phil said, already knowing that Dan likely had to make it home on his own.

“Oh, thank you,” Dan said, almost shyly and he greeted Nigel politely.

Phil hadn’t asked his father if they could drive Dan home, but Nigel grabbed Dan’s luggage and put it in the back without question.

“Thank you, sir,” Dan said.

“No need to be so formal, Dan,” Nigel said and grabbed Phil’s bag too. “I’m happy to help.”

Phil was really happy with his father in that moment and Dan looked teary again. It really didn’t take more than some unexpected kindness to get him emotional. Phil wanted to shower him in it. He wanted to show Dan that the rest of his life didn’t have to be like the first 18 years. He could have a best friend now and someone that took care of him. He would find more people who would understand him. It would be good.

After they dropped Dan off, Phil might have hung out of the window to wave goodbye. Dan called him a dork, but waved back. Phil was reminded of the taxi drive at the end of their first party together and how he kissed Dan on the cheek. He almost wanted to ask Dan to give him a kiss too but they couldn’t do that in front of his father. It was too soon.

It was not a long drive home, but Nigel still managed to find the time to drop a bit of fatherly advice on Phil.

“He is a good boy,” Nigel said carefully. “If you like him, then you know it is okay with your mother and I, right? We just want you to be happy, Phil.”

“Dad,” Phil whined because this was embarrassing and a little too new. He wasn’t ready to talk about it. It had only just become real. Phil wasn’t even sure how to move from a pretend relationship to a real one. He would need to talk with Dan about it but he felt like they were on the same page. Finally.

“I’m just saying. When you find people who make you that happy, you should hold onto them. Friends, boyfriends, whatever. But when you find someone who feels like your favourite person in the world, you have to make sure you keep them around.”

“Have you met many of those people?” Phil asked, suddenly curious.

“Only two. My childhood friend Steven and then your mother. Steven I met on the first day of kindergarten and later on the first day, I saw him playing with the dinosaurs and went to join him. Your mother I literally ran into at a party, spilling beer all down her dress. I apologised profusely but she just laughed and said that sticky spots were probably in fashion somewhere.”

“Wow,” Phil said. “That’s a lot.”

“And sometimes your heart knows before your brain does. I didn’t find out that they were going to be my favourite people until months later when I actually got to know them, but even from that first meeting there was something there that told me to stick around, to get to know them.”

Phil leaned back in the seat and looked out at the moon hanging high in the sky. When he had first seen Dan, Dan was trying to make himself look smaller. He was so nervous and timid and Phil had instantly sympathised. He decided then that he would befriend Dan. Things hadn’t been smooth for them, but maybe it was always supposed to work out like this.

Phil couldn’t complain when he felt so happy right now. He couldn’t know how things would be different if they had tried harder to stay friends, but. he was happy to be close to Dan now.

Waking up the following morning made Phil wish he hadn’t let hadn’t let Dan convince him to stay out on the slopes all day yesterday. He felt even more sore and achy and his mother even commented on it when he went down for breakfast. He walked like someone who had slept on the cold hard ground for a week.

Phil had half a mind to complain to Dan at school and demand massages. Surely he was owed some massages for the tension in his hips and shoulders after all that damn skiing. He would have stopped much earlier if Dan hadn’t looked so adorably delighted every time he did something right. It was too compelling.

Biking to school was manageable because it was a repeated motion but he nearly knocked over his bike and the other bikes next to it when he had to dismount. When he made it through the halls, he noticed that people were looking at him funny. He’d gotten used to strange looks since he started pretend-dating Dan but this was outright ridiculous. There were whispers too and Phil suddenly felt like he went back in time to two months ago when everyone suddenly knew about him and Dan before they had time to finalise their rules.

Phil didn’t understand what was going on until he made it to his locker and saw a whole A4 page with the image of him and Dan in the hot tub. Phil’s stomach dropped so quickly, it almost felt like he dropped to the floor. He reached out to the paper, ripping it free from the tape and looking at it like it was a mirage that was supposed to disappear any moment. He could feel more eyes on him but he couldn’t do anything but look at the image in his hands.

It was not graphic, but it did show him in Dan’s lap in the hot tub and they were clearly making out. Phil felt sick. He felt like he might actually barf. He was startled out of his terror when someone ripped the image out of his hands and crumbled it.

Phil turned to see Jack looking like he was on the murder path.

“I’m going to kill him,” Jack said, throwing the crumbled paper on the ground and stamping on it several times.

Phil just watched.

“What?” he managed to force out, still not believing that this was actually happening.

“Howell is dead.”

“Dan would never do something like this; besides he’s in the photo with me,” Phil said, feeling distinctly like he was having an out of body experience.

“Well, if he isn’t… fuck, okay, then Fischbach is dead, but Howell is still on my shitlist. If he put the rugby boys up to this, I am ripping every single one of them a new one.”

As if summoned, the rugby boys, Mark and Dan included, turned the corner and all conversation in the hall dropped. Phil started to move towards Dan in desperation, not minding that he was almost limping with how tense he was on top of the aches from skiing.

“Damn, Howell gave it to you good, huh?” Mark asked and it sounded like it was supposed to be friendly banter but there was nothing friendly about it to Phil at all.

Dan looked confused. “What do you mean?”

“You finally dicked down your boy, right? Took long enough,” Mark said, nudging Dan’s arm. If this was locker room talk, Phil was very happy he hadn’t been anywhere near it before. He wondered if they talked about people like that all the time.

“What are you talking about?” Dan asked, pulling back from Mark and taking a few steps towards Phil who had finally reached them at the end of the hall. “Phil, are you okay?”

“Which one of you did it?” Jack asked, barrelling down the hall and waving the now half-torn and wrinkled page around. “Which one of you thinks you’re in a shitty teenage romcom where this is funny?”

Dan seemed very confused but he grabbed hold of the paper that Jack was waving in his face. Phil wanted to disappear. He could feel everyone’s eyes on them. It was only about five minutes until the first class of the day and normally people would be heading into their designated classrooms, but they stuck around to watch the drama unfold.

Phil wanted them all to leave.

Dan opened the paper and then crumbled it immediately and turned around to face his rugby boys.

“Who did this?”

“Come on, Howell. It’s just a little fun,” someone said from the back. “We usually swap photos of conquests, but you’ve been so cagey about your new boy.”

“It’s nothing we haven’t done before,” Mark said and he looked at Dan as if it wasn’t out of character, but Phil was appalled. They swapped photos of people they slept with, potentially photos of them half-naked or actually having sex?

“That’s vile,” Phil said, voice much louder than he had expected. Phil was a little surprise at his own outburst but he wasn’t going to let that stop him. “That is vile and disgusting. Did you get permission? Consent? To both take and share those photos?”

Everyone was silent and just looking at Phil. He didn’t do this. He didn’t cause a scene; he wasn’t the centre of attention like this but he felt violated and wronged and he hated hearing that Dan had been part of that culture. He hated being so obviously confronted with it. It hurt something in his soul.

“Phil,” Dan said, softly, “I’m sorry. This is not okay. Not at all.”

“It’s not just me, though,” Phil said looking at the paper crumbled in Dan’s fist. “I don’t understand how someone could think this was okay. To me or anyone else.”

“What, you lose your virginity and suddenly grow some balls, Lester?” Mark joked, a little awkwardly like he didn’t know how to react.

Phil opened his mouth to argue, but Dan beat him to it.

“Nothing happened between me and Phil in the hot tub,” he said. “You all got that? We’re dating and you can all fuck off with your assumptions of me and him. Alright?”

Phil was glad that Dan was coming to his aid to defend him but he still felt shaken that people Dan considered friends could think that it was a fun thing to take photos of them without their permission. It was wrong and it made Phil feel exposed. He thought those kisses had been private but now they were captured by cameras.

He had never kissed Dan without an audience. He hated that so much more than he could put into words. What he felt for Dan was something special. He had never felt like this about someone before and now he felt like it was on display in front of the whole school.

“I can’t do this,” Phil said, shaking his head and stepping back. Jack was at his side instantly and Dan tried to reach out but Phil stepped back further and away from his outstretched hand.

“Phil…”

“I can’t… I’m not sure I can… it’s… I’m sorry,” Phil said, words not coming out right but it was difficult to speak when Dan was looking at him with so much hurt in his eyes. Phil wanted to step up and give him a hug but he was the one hurting Dan. He just couldn’t do this. Even now, people were watching him, watching them. He felt exposed and judged and it made him feel horrible.

“Come on,” Jack whispered and pulled him down the hall and through the school doors.

“What about classes?” Phil asked when they were already running through the parking lot.

“We’re taking a spontaneous senior skip day,” Jack said, shooting Phil a smile.

“That’s not a thing,” Phil said, smiling even so.

“It is if I say it is. You get your mental health days and I get to just skip whenever I fancy, it works. Now, we’re going to my house and then I’m kicking your ass in every game I own, except if you insist on Mario Kart.”

Phil thought of Mario Kart in his own basement with Dan and falling asleep peacefully to the sounds on the TV.

“No Mario Kart,” Phil said resolutely and Jack seemed to understand.

Phil did text his mother that he had taken another mental health day when he had been at Jack’s for a couple of hours. Jack said that he should just pretend that he had been at school, but Jack had a very different relationship with his parents. It wasn’t as bad as Dan’s but it wasn’t as good as Phil’s either.

The house was empty all day and Phil headed back to his own house before Jack’s parents and siblings came home. He told his mother that he was at Jack’s house and would be home for dinner.

He expected her to remind him that they would need to talk since he’d taken another mental health day within the span of a month, but instead she just mentioned a surprise waiting for him. Phil was pretty sure that the surprise would be a special dinner or maybe a baked pastry. He had not counted on opening the door and seeing his brother.

“Martyn?” Phil asked, momentarily worried that he had stepped through another dimension or travelled back in time. Martyn looked just like he did when he left nearly three months ago.

Phil walked up to him and poked him in the arm. Martyn watched with mounting fondness and then he reached out to pull Phil against his chest. He did it a little roughly and Phil could confirm that it was indeed his brother.

“Why are you home?” Phil asked.”

“That is no way to greet your bereaved brother who has travelled far and wide-”

“You’re not using that word right,” Phil said.

Martyn let out a snort,and pulled Phil in again this time to ruffle his hair.

“I missed you, you little shit.”

“Ah, let go!” Phil protested. “You can’t be mean to me today; I’ve had a bad day.”

He hadn’t meant to say that and Martyn latched onto it instantly.

“Why? What happened?” Martyn asked and suddenly Phil was six years old again, coming home from the first day of school and thinking that no one liked him. He hadn’t wanted to complain to his parents who were so excited for him to start school but he ran to Martyn’s room and sought comfort and advice from his brother.

He felt like a kid again, just in need of his big brother to fix everything for him.

“Was that Phil?” Kath called from the kitchen. “Is he home?”

“Later,” Martyn mouthed and then yelled out, “Yes, the loser of the family is home!”

Phil elbowed him in the side, but he couldn’t stop smiling. It was good to have Martyn back.

“Why did you come back now?”

“It’s mine and Cornelia’s anniversary tomorrow and I wanted to surprise her, so you better not give me away,” Martyn said as they started to set the table. “I know you’re good friends, but you cannot ruin this for me.”

Martyn was mostly joking around, but Phil still felt a little bad about the love letter. Martyn was probably happy living in ignorance. People said what you don’t know can’t hurt you, but Phil still felt like it was wrong. So many things in his life had been secrets and pretend. He wanted to put all of that behind him.

“You know,” Phil said, trying to be casual and most definitely failing. “I used to have a crush on her.”

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Phil braced himself for the reaction. He expected either anger at developing even the start of feelings towards his brother’s girlfriend or maybe ridicule for thinking he had a chance with someone like Cornelia. Martyn surprised him and just cracked a small smile.

“Yeah, I know,” he said and kept setting plates down like it was nothing.

“What?” Phil asked, suddenly so confused.

He had not gotten the reaction he was expecting from Cornelia and now Martyn was also reacting differently from how Phil expected. Maybe his brain had told him things that weren’t true. He was so sure that letter would ruin everything, but no one seemed to mind much.

Brains could be really stupid sometimes, Phil decided in that moment.

“It’s no big deal,” Martyn said with a shrug. “And I’ve known you your whole life, Phil. I know how you act when you get a crush on someone. You think you hide it well, but you have so many signs.”

“I do not. You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Phil said, defending himself and setting down the glasses a little too hard.

“Okay,” Martyn said, crossing his arms and levelling Phil with a look, “Cornelia, Dan Howell, that kid from summer camp, Lilly, and that guy you went to prom with last year.”

Phil just started at his brother. How could he pinpoint all of them? It shouldn’t be possible!

“How do you know that?” Phil asked, worried that Martyn had somehow gotten into Phil’s letters. It wouldn’t explain the Cornelia letter since that had only been written after he left but the others had sat in the box gathering dust for a while.

“Because I know you, dummy,” Martyn said, bumping into Phil with his hip as he passed by.

Kath and Nigel came out of the kitchen with food in their arms and the conversation shifted. Most of it was catching up with Martyn about what he had done at university so far, even if Phil could tell that he glossed over some party details. Kath and Nigel also wanted to know about Phil’s ski trip, but it hurt a little to talk about it. He pushed through the discomfort because he didn’t want them to worry and he really had an excellent time until he got home and found out about the hot tub photos.

He didn’t mention the hot tub, but he did accidentally mention that he and Dan shared a room.

“You let Phil share a room with his boyfriend? Damn, second child really does have it easier,” Martyn said and stuffed more food in his mouth.

Phil glared at him.

Kath carefully set down her cutlery.

“Oh, you and Dan are dating?” she asked, voice very gentle.

Right now, Phil wasn’t even sure how to speak to Dan. Would this be considered a breakup? He wasn’t sure. He had never gone through one before. He’d also not gotten his photo taken like that before either. God, he hadn’t even considered what he would do if those photos reached his parents. He only saw the one, but he doubted that they stopped at just one. Most people took a whole string of photos to get that kind of shot.

“Shit, I thought you knew,” Martyn said, staring in panic from his mother to his brother.

“No swearing,” Kath chastised.

“I… it’s, erm, yeah, kind of? We were dating. Are dating? I don’t know. You know how teenage stuff is,” Phil said and laughed nervously.

It was not an explanation at all but his parents seemed to agree to silently drop it. Martyn did not drop it and dragged Phil upstairs. Phil was pulled into Martyn’s room and the door shut firmly behind them. The first thing Martyn did was apologise.

“Phil, I’m really, really sorry. Cornelia mentioned that you were dating a couple of weeks ago, but she said that you and Dan had been going out for months already, so I just assumed mum and dad knew.”

“They kind of did?” Phil said and rubbed the back of his head. “Dan has been over a lot and just yesterday, Dad said that it would be okay if I was dating Dan. Mum said something similar the first time he stayed over. It’s okay. I’m not mad. As long as you forgive me about having that crush on Cornelia. We can call it even.”

“Okay,” Martyn agreed quickly. “But what was up with that explanation? Are you not dating anymore? Cornelia made it sound like you were really close, but you didn’t exactly sound happy just now.”

At the sheer amount of concern in Martyn’s voice, a little bit of Phil broke. He sat down on Martyn’s old bed, on top of sheets that still smelled faintly like Dan from when he had slept over. He decided to tell Martyn everything, in detail.

After the explanation, Martyn went into big brother mode and Phil realised just how much he missed him. Martyn sat down next to Phil with an arm around his shoulders and reassurances that it would be okay. He still called Phil an idiot, but that was more a term of endearment.

Phil swallowed around a lump in his throat. “I just don’t know… I don’t know how to make it better, or whatever. It’s all a big mess and now everyone thinks I fucked him in the hot tub or something.”

“I know you’re eighteen and all, but please never say ‘fucked in the hot tub’ ever again.”

“But nothing happened!” Phil insisted.

Martyn put a hand on Phil’s arm. “Hey, it’s okay. I believe you, Phil. From what you said, it sounded like Dan told everyone the same thing. He stepped up to defend you. That photo sharing is a very shitty thing and they should know better, but some guys don’t understand that it’s hurtful.”

“It is.”

“I know. And they should know that. By the sound of it, you gave them enough of a hard time that they will think twice about doing it again. Good on you, by the way. I never imagined that you’d be brave enough to do that.”

Phil wouldn’t have been.

Not before Dan.

Dan gave him so much courage and Phil’s confidence had grown so much in these past months. He marvelled over the fact that Dan changed, but he hadn’t been able to see it in himself. They changed each other; they brought something out in each other in the best way.

Phil liked that.

He liked Dan.

He didn’t want to let him go but he wasn’t sure he could do a real relationship when everything had become so tangled up. He knew he’d fallen in love with Dan. It was a gradual realisation. Every moment he spent with Dan saw him falling ever so slowly. Dan confessed that he had feelings for him too, back in the hot tub just two days ago. He said he wanted a future with Phil. Phil never felt like he had a firm grasp on what his future would look like, but in that moment it had felt like one of the pieces had fallen into place.

He wanted Dan next to him in his life.

“You know what you have to do, right?” Martyn asked.

“But it’s scary…”

“You’re braver than you believe, Phil.”

“Did you just quote Winnie the Pooh?” Phil asked and he thought of Dan. It had been a single comment, an off-handed one about how Dan talked like Winnie the Pooh. It had been said in jest, but it was filed away in Phil’s brain all the same. He had trouble recalling material he had studied just the night before, but every little detail about Dan seemed to be filed away in his brain.

“You get this look on your face, you know?” Martyn said, nudging his shoulder against Phil’s. “It took me a moment to place it, but I know what it is now.”

“What is it?” Phil asked, even if he was pretty sure where Martyn was going with this.

“Love. You look like you’re in love when you think about him.”

“You don’t know that I was thinking about him,” Phil argued.

Martyn turned towards him, looking at him expectantly. “Am I wrong?”

“You’re a jerk,” Phil said and shoved Martyn until he fell back onto the bed.

“A correct jerk,” Martyn said, chuckling slightly and pulling himself up to sit next to Phil again. “Why are you making it so complicated?”

“I don’t know,” Phil said and leaned forward to hold his head in his hands. “I wish I didn’t, you know? I wish I worked like everyone else at times.”

“No,” Martyn said and he didn’t elaborate for a full minute. He only kept talking when Phil took his head out of his hands and looked at him. “You’re the one who taught me normal is boring and sad. You’re wonderful exactly the way you are, Phil. You just need to be around people who see and appreciate that. Let me ask you one question.”

“I’m scared.”

“Not what I wanted to ask, but scared isn’t necessarily bad,” Martyn said and leaned over to squeeze Phil’s knee. “My question is as follows: does Dan _see_ you?”

It could mean a lot of things, but somehow Phil knew exactly what Martyn was asking. Phil was still scared, especially of this answer but he would have to say it all the same.

“I have never felt so seen, Martyn. It’s like… I don’t even know how I got myself tangled up in all of this, but I wouldn’t take it back. Not for the world. I wouldn’t take it back because I got to have Dan, if only for a few months.”

“Phil,” Martyn said. “You know I love you, but you’re being stupid. From everything you’ve told me and from everything that has happened between you, it is so clear that the boy is in love with you. And you sound pretty in love with him too, my brother. All of that leaves you with a choice.”

“And what’s that?”

“Choose to love him and let him love you in return. Walk with him through life’s complicated messes. Or choose to walk away and spare yourself the trouble.”

“Dan is not trouble,” Phil said, instantly. “Well, okay, he kind of is trouble… but he’s _my_ trouble.”

Martyn smiled warmly and patted Phil on the back.

“I think you have your answer then. And did you notice? You didn’t hesitate for a second when I asked you. You couldn’t imagine even seeing Dan as something bad, or someone you could walk away from. You want him in your life.”

“Yeah,” Phil agreed almost shyly.

“Ah,” Martyn said, flinging his hand to his own forehead. “They grow up so fast. Soon, you’ll have a proper boyfriend and then you’ll graduate. Where has my innocent little baby brother gone?”

Martyn was putting on his dramatic voice, clearly trying to ease the serious tension a little. Phil jumped at the chance.

“Shut up, you’re just an old man!” Phil said.

“Oi, take that back,” Martyn said, pointing at Phil threateningly.

Phil knew what that look meant, he ran to the door ripping it open and sprinting down the stairs, Martyn hot on his heels. Yelling at him for being an insolent little brother. They chased each other all around the house, just like when they were kids and Phil’s heart had never felt so full and hopeful. He had missed Martyn so much, and he felt so silly for driving a wedge between them. Martyn was so understanding and ready to help Phil with his own dilemma.

It almost made Phil wish that he had just talked to Cornelia and Martyn upfront about the letter.

Almost.

If he hadn’t gone into panic mode, he wouldn’t have kissed Dan. They wouldn’t have been in a pretend relationship. They might never have started talking again. He couldn’t wish for any of it to be different because this situation, as complicated and messy as it might be, had brought him into Dan’s arms.

“It’s good to have both of you home again, even if just for a moment,” Kath said as Martyn and Phil skated around the dinner table, trying to grab each other.

Martyn and Phil both came to a halt at her words, said so casually even as they were making a right ruckus. The chase drained out of them then and they started laughing again.

The front door opened and their father walked in with the mail in his hands.

“Martyn, please tell Cornelia that she is more than welcome to come back over more often. I don’t think I’ve checked the mailbox for a week,” Nigel said and started sorting through the pile of letters in his hands. “Oh, Phil there’s one for you here. Wait, from you? Anyway, here.”

“What?” Phil asked and walked over to the table.

He recognised the letter immediately. He had had enough nightmares about those letters to be able to recognise them anywhere. He just hadn’t thought he would ever see this one again. Dan seemed pretty intent on not giving it back.

But here it was, back in Phil’s mailbox. There was no new stamp or anything, and the envelope had clearly been opened, so Dan must have dropped it off personally.

“Is that…?” Martyn started to ask peering over Phil’s shoulder but Phil quickly moved to hide the letter against his chest.

He might be thrilled that his brother was back for a visit and he might have revealed his feelings to Martyn, but there was no way he was letting anyone read the embarrassing love letter he had written at fifteen. Not a chance.

“Nothing. It’s nothing,” Phil said, the letter still cradled against his chest, as he sprinted up the stairs.

Martyn laughed at him, Nigel seemed confused and Phil heard Kath tell both of them to leave him be with that kind motherly tone of hers. He wondered if she knew when Phil brought Dan over for the first time. Had she seen it before Phil had? Probably.

Phil threw himself onto his bed and rolled over on his back, the letter still pressed against his racing heart.

He wasn’t sure what to make of this. Dan had given the letter _back_. Did it mean that he didn’t care about him anymore? Was it a rejection before Phil had even gotten to pose the question? When had Dan even put it in their mailbox? Before the ski trip? After?

Phil closed his eyes and took a couple deep breaths. This was the letter he had been the most nervous about reading. In the early weeks of pretending to date Dan, Phil would often mention that he’d like the letter back, but Dan smoothly changed the subject or distracted him. Soon enough, Phil forgot about asking. He was too wrapped up in falling for Dan.

Now he had the letter in his hands.

He felt scared all over again, but he still reached into the open envelope and pulled out the paper inside. He could feel the nice letter paper he used but there was something he hadn’t expected.

A post-it note was put on the front of the letter. Messy scrawl packed into the little square.

_i’m sorry i wouldn’t give_

_this back, i just loved it_

_too much. sorry i hurt you._

_phil please forgive me <3 _

Phil felt his breath catch at reading Dan’s little note. He felt bad. Dan hadn’t done anything that warranted forgiveness. Phil was the one freaking out. The photo had caught him off guard. He felt like the whole school was involved with their relationship and he hated it. He just wanted it to be him and Dan. Dan never tried to make it about everyone else.

For all his words about wanting the pretend relationship to fix his reputation, Dan had never flaunted Phil or their relationship. He never hounded Phil when Phil stopped posting the goodnight texts. Dan hadn’t cared about anything other than hanging out with Phil and making him smile. Dan had told anyone who tried to imply anything about the two of them to piss off.

It had always been about the two of them against the world to Dan. Phil wanted to run over to his house, but he had a feeling it wouldn’t be well-received. Phil might be braver but he wasn’t brave enough to face Dan’s father at the door late at night.

Besides, he was curious to read the old letter, as much as he feared it. Phil carefully peeled the post-it off and stuck it on the notebook sitting on his bedside table. It was a notebook that was empty until about a month ago when Phil started to write down Dan’s texts as well as random things he would say during the day. Pages and pages of sweet words. Like snippets of love letters.

Phil let his fingers run over the post-it and thought of all the words Dan had said or written him in these two months. It was supposed to be pretend, but now Phil wasn’t so sure. They all felt so genuine.

With a new sense of calm, Phil unfolded his old letter.

_Dear Dan Howell,_

_This is weird. It’s weird, right? I’m writing a letter. By hand. To you. I mean, you could probably tell it was to you, since I addressed it. I would stop writing because clearly, I’m embarrassing myself but I just need to get these words out._

_Indulge me? You seem good at that. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who can stand my long rants like you, or match it with equally long rants of your own. You make me feel like I could say anything and you wouldn’t judge me. In turn, I need to let you know that I could listen to your voice all day._

_Too much? Maybe. But this is meant to be a love letter. That sounds proper cringe. But crushes are like that, right? Wait, what if you don’t even like boys? Or just don’t like me? I really didn’t think this through but I still have more things to say._

_Your eyes are beautiful. They are not poop brown. They are warm and lovely. I want to poke your dimple so desperately. I want to kick your ass in every video game we discussed today, or lose graciously. Is it weird I can already imagine you shouting at the screen? You’ve got a very loud voice, but I like that too. Don’t use it to jumpscare me though. Okay? Okay._

_I love that we can talk for hours and not even notice that the sun had dipped low in the sky. Are you magic? Because it feels like you know how to freeze everything around us. You make me feel like you and I could do anything, take on the whole world, as long as we’re together._

_You smell warm. You look warm. You sound warm. And you make me feel warm. I know I’m not making a lot of sense but what I’m trying to tell you is that your warmth is invading all of my senses and I love it. I’ve never felt like this for anyone before._

_You make me yearn._

_I sound silly, but somehow, I’m sure you wouldn’t even ridicule me for this letter. Are you smiling right now? I bet you’re smiling. You call me adorable a lot. Is this adorable too? Please tell me._

_If I ever get the courage to give this to you, please tell me._

_Okay, I’ll make a promise to myself. I have to give you this, as sappy and as cringy as it is. Not now, because you’re leaving for India in the morning and then you’re gone for the whole summer. But when you come home. I will give this to you on the first day of school._

_I_ **_really_ ** _like you, Dan._

_I might even love you someday. If you let me._

~~_(Please let me)_ ~~

_Love, Phil Lester_

Phil was crying. He had been too wrapped up in reading the letter to notice but tears were rolling down his cheeks. It was the quiet emotional kind of crying that snuck up on him. The other four letters were still fresh in Phil’s memory but they were nothing like this letter to Dan.

This was the original love letter. Phil had left a little piece of his heart in all of the letters, but this one contained almost too big a chunk to fathom. This wasn’t written to the idea of a person, it was written to _Dan_. Only Dan.

Phil hadn’t even told Dan that he loved him, like he had ended all the other letters, but this ending was so much more genuine. In the other letters, he threw the word love around before he knew what it was like to love. He knew what it meant now, and he was so happy that he hadn’t written it to Dan yet.

It meant he could tell him.

Phil let his thumb run over the crossed-out words. _Please let me_. Phil had been closeted. Dan had been closeted. Young Phil hadn’t known shit about love or relationships but right now he felt like he couldn’t possibly have put it better. 

He hadn’t given the letter to Dan. Phil had forgotten that he brought the letter to that first day of school that year. It sat heavy in his backpack, feeling much heavier than the books. He was trying to build up the courage to give it to Dan, but then Dan had felt different. He wasn’t excited to see Phil. Dan brushed him off.

Phil had vowed then to keep the letter a secret, forever unsent, and over the next few years more joined the pile. 

Now Phil knew that Dan was trying to make his family situation better. He pushed Phil away because he was scared and confused and he wanted his parents to be proud of him. Thinking of the past, Phil’s heart broke a little for both of them. They missed their shot because of outside forces.

He was not going to let any outside forces pull them apart. He wasn’t going to let anything force them apart.

Phil arrived at school early the next day. He had barely been able to sleep during the night, all fired up with what he needed to say to Dan. Part of him wanted to write it down and return to that familiar way of dealing with his feelings but he stopped himself. This was about Dan.

It wasn’t just the beginning of a crush. It was something so much grander.

Phil stood anxiously scanning the halls for Dan at school, but he was nowhere to be seen. Jack, who was perpetually late when Phil didn’t drag him along, somehow showed up early today.

“Why are you here so early?” Phil asked, still watching the doors and looking for Dan.

“Because you had a very bad day yesterday?” Jack said, confused. “And I wanted to be here for you today too, only… Why do you look like that? You don’t look sad or worried anymore. What happened?”

“I need to talk to Dan,” Phil said, barely sparing Jack a glance.

Jack grabbed Phil by the shoulders and gave him no choice but to look at him.

“What’s going on? Are you good?”

“I’m good, I’m good,” Phil insisted, repeating it like a mantra, and pulling Jack’s hands from his shoulders. “I promise. It’s all good things. I’m just nervous. I’m going-”

“Oh my flipping lid, you’re going to confess to Dan,” Jack said, eyes wide and mouth falling open. “You love him.”

“Ssshh!” Phil said and put a hand over Jack’s mouth. He could feel how Jack was smiling at him.

Someone cleared their throat next to them and for a mortifying moment, Phil thought it would be Dan and he heard what Jack said but instead it was Mark.

Phil removed his hand from Jack’s mouth and the two of them glared at Mark. Mark usually carried himself with such confidence, but right now he looked small and a little miserable.

“What do you want?” Jack snapped.

“Hey, no need for that tone,” Mark said and raised his hands. “I’m here to apologise for yesterday.”

“I sure hope so,” Jack said, stepping up to poke Mark in the chest. “You owe him a good one.”

Phil pulled Jack back by the arm.

“I know,” Mark said and it sounded sincere. “I’m sorry about the photos. I’ve made sure all of the copies were deleted on all the guys’ phones. And they haven’t been uploaded anywhere, I promise. It was a shitty thing to do, we realise that now, even if we meant no harm.”

“But you still caused harm,” Phil said, still holding onto Jack so he didn’t suddenly start throwing fists. “Which is more important than whether or not you meant to.”

Mark nodded. “I know and we are sorry. We won’t do it again.”

“You better swear to that,” Jack said.

“We do. And I’d like to apologise to you, Jack.”

“Excuse me, what?” Jack said and he sounded genuinely surprised.

“I’m sorry about that fight years ago. It was stupid to hold a grudge for so long. I think… I think I just envied how easily you got along with people. You came in as a transfer and charmed all of the guys. They accepted you right away and you had it so easy.”

“It was never easy, Mark,” Jack said, shifting on his feet. “I thought you’d understand out of everyone. You were a transfer too, even if America is different from Ireland. I was terrified. I goofed off because I wanted friends.”

“Yeah. I see that now and honestly, it’s been really nice that you’ve been hanging out with us all again these past couple months. I want you to know you’re still welcome.”

Jack crossed his arms in a strong stance, but he looked a little emotional.

“You do sound like you need someone to keep you in check,” Jack said, cheekily, but also a little serious. “Thank you for the apology.”

“Me too,” Phil said, watching Jack and Mark and how the last bit of hostility seemed to bleed out of them. “Thank you, just… don’t let it happen again.”

“Like we could. Howell tore us to shreds when you left. He really cares about you, you know. I’ve never seen him like this with anyone. None of us thought he could do the whole stable relationship stuff. Actually… I even made him a bet that he couldn’t,” Mark said and looked at Phil a little nervously.

“Dan dated Phil for a bet?” Jack asked, looking about ready to square up and go find Dan to kick his ass.

“I know,” Phil said, surprising both of them.

“What?” they asked in unison.

“I know about the bet. Dan told me before we even started going out. We didn’t have any secrets,” Phil said and then thought twice. “We didn’t have any secrets from each other.”

They had lied about pretty much everything to everyone else but they had never tried to deceive each other.

“That’s too goddamn precious,” Mark said.

“Hard agree,” Jack said.

The bell rang to signal the first class of the day starting but Phil still hadn’t seen Dan walk through the door.

“Well, see you around,” Mark said and headed off.

“Still no sign of Dan?” Jack asked.

“No, but I don’t think he’d miss school. He should be here,” Phil said, still glancing around the hall.

“He might be hiding out in one of the empty rooms,” Jack suggested.

Phil grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. “You’re a genius. Okay, what rooms are empty right now?”

“Err… the gym, the room where we usually have English, the music room, the-”

“Wait, the music room? The music room is empty right now?” Phil asked, not sure why he had zeroed in on that one but it felt right.

“Yes, for another two hours,” Jack confirmed. Phil was once more impressed that Jack had memorised the whole schedule just so he could recall safe places to take Phil whenever he needed it.

“Okay, I’m going,” Phil said and started running down the hall. “Make an excuse for me being late?”

“But I’m already late!” Jack complained, but started walking towards the classroom.

“Thank you!” Phil called out over his shoulder, almost running, even if they weren’t allowed to run in the halls

“Go get your boy, you romantic little sod,” Jack just called back. “Good luck.”

The music room was located a little out of the way because soundproofing wasn’t foolproof and it didn’t quite hold up. Phil was thankful for that now, because he could hear soft tunes of a piano and he knew in his heart that he was in the right place.

He had never heard Dan play before and not for lack of trying. Dan had been too shy to want to play for Phil, even when Phil relentlessly pestered him about it.

Phil carefully opened the door and the piano sounded clearer.

Dan sat at the piano in the corner, hands gliding over the keys. Dan’s eyes were closed, lost in the music. Now that it wasn’t muted musical sounds, Phil could identify the song as well.

“Interrupted by fireworks,” Phil said, softly.

Dan’s eyes snapped up and his fingers froze on the keys.

It seemed too quiet without the soft melody filling the room a second before. Phil was almost mad at himself for interrupting but then Dan’s surprised expression changed into a shy smile.

“Of course you know that song.”

“We have talked about Final Fantasy VII before, you know,” Phil said, letting the door fall shut behind him as he stepped inside.

“Yeah, of course we have. It’s one of our favourite games,” Dan said, his smile growing just a little wider.

This was still so easy, even with the uncertainty between them. It was still so easy to talk to Dan. Phil felt his heart ache. He wanted to mend the bridge between them, he wanted to meet in the middle. It was no longer enough to just be on the same page anymore. He wanted to be reading the same lines. The same words.

“You gave me the letter back,” Phil said.

Dan looked into the keys of the piano. “Yeah.”

“Why?”

Dan kept his eyes cast down. Phil wanted to beg him to lift his head. Dan shrugged with one shoulder, looking so unsure and worried.

“I wasn’t sure you wanted me to have it anymore. A piece of younger you. I wasn’t sure I deserved it when I hurt you.”

“I asked about it in the beginning and you wouldn’t give it to me then,” Phil reminded him.

Dan finally looked up and their eyes met.

“Yeah, but it was different then. We were different then.”

Phil knew exactly what he meant.

“Yes, it was and yes, we were.”

“Are we different now?” Dan asked, tone a little hopeful. “Do I have your forgiveness?”

Phil took a few steps forward, advancing towards the piano.

“No,” he said softly.

“Okay,” Dan said, eyes cast down again, his jaw tensing.

Phil walked over until he could sit down next to Dan on the piano bench. He had to nudge Dan a little to make room. Dan looked so confused when Phil took his hand and held on tight.

“You never needed my forgiveness. You didn’t do anything wrong. You never did anything wrong, Dan. You’ve _always_ treated me right. I was just overwhelmed with everything. I felt horrible that all of our kisses always had to be public, under the eyes of others. It scared me. I thought that moment was something special and private between us and I freaked out when I saw it on display like that.”

Dan’s hand moved to intertwine their fingers and his grip was almost bruising.

“I know. I had Mark make sure all of those photos got deleted. They’re gone. I promise, Phil.”

“I know.”

“You know?”

“I talked to Mark a moment ago. He apologised to me and he sounded like he meant it. I… I don’t think he meant any harm by it.”

“But you still got hurt,” Dan said and he reached up to cup Phil’s face. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m okay,” Phil said and he meant it. “I just needed time to realise what was the most important.”

“And what did you decide?” Dan asked, one hand still lingering on Phil’s cheek and one hand holding onto Phil’s for dear life. He held onto Phil like he was afraid he would disappear any moment.

“You,” Phil said, wanting to hide but it was impossible when Dan was so close like this. “I decided you are the most important.”

“What?” Dan said, more of an exhale of disbelief than a word. “Wait, really? You’re not fucking with me?”

Phil wanted to laugh a little because emotions were bubbling up and he wasn’t sure how to deal with them. But he never wanted to laugh _at_ Dan, he only ever wanted to laugh _with_ him, so first he had to reassure him.

Phil moved his free hand up to rest on Dan’s face, thumb resting on the patch of skin he knew would turn into a dimple when Dan smiled.

“I would never fuck with you like that, Dan. I… I wanted to write you another love letter, because I’m better at saying my feelings in writing sometimes, but I also think you deserve to see me stumbling and fumbling and trying to convey just how much you mean to me.”

“Phil,” Dan said so softly and full of love.

“Please let me finish,” Phil said, even if his voice shook a little. “You are nothing like I expected, Dan Howell. When you came charging into my life over three years ago, I was completely blown away. Then things were touch and go for a while but two months ago, it was like everything just came together. You appeared when I most needed you and then you went out of your way to help me. You showed me the kind of relationship that I didn’t even realise I wanted. Not before you. I didn’t realise that I could have _you_. Then I… I fell in love with you. I love you.”

They sat in mirrored positions on the flimsy piano stool. One pair of hands clutched together, their other hands lingering on each other’s faces. Phil felt Dan smile and a beat later he felt the skin under his thumb shift and dimple. They looked at each other, both sets of eyes a little wet around the edges.

“Of course, I love you too, Phil. I’ve been trying to tell you for a long time,” Dan said, looking on the brink of crying and Phil just lost it.

He let go of Dan but only to throw his arms around him and pull him into a crushing hug. Phil squeezed with all of his might and Dan laughed a little strangled before he moved his hands to hug back Phil with the same force.

“I feel like I’m dreaming,” Dan said.

“Not dreaming,” Phil muttered and hid in his shoulder.

“You know, when I showed up at your door two months ago, I wanted to ask you out on a date.”

Phil pulled back, still riding on the high of the love confession, but now also a little confused.

“What day? When did you come to my door?” Phil asked, holding onto Dan’s shoulders. They were still so close, noses mere centimetres apart. Dan’s eyes really did look warm.

Dan was smiling, like he was endeared and he found Phil adorable.

“The day I came to find you at the ice cream shop? The day I got the letter?” Dan asked. “I was at the door and your mum answered. But I think you fled out of the back of your house.”

“Wait, that was you?” Phil asked. “I thought it was Cornelia.”

“Nope, that was me,” Dan said and chuckled. “Your mother apologised for you running off, and she said she wasn’t even sure where you might go.”

“But you found me,” Phil said, a little amazed. “How did you find me?”

“You talked so much about the ice cream shop when we were fifteen. I’ve been going there ever since. I always hoped I’d run into you by accident. I figured it might be where you would run to hide and I was right,” Dan said.

Three years ago, Phil had told Dan that and he had remembered. Phil looked at Dan and he felt his heart swell even more. Dan had chased after him, Dan wanted to ask him out on a date, Dan had cared about him all these years.

“All this time?” Phil asked.

“Yeah, I don’t think I ever really got over my crush on you, Phil,” Dan said and pulled Phil closer until they were chest to chest again. Their noses gently bumped into each other.

“I’m sorry it took me so long,” Phil said.

“Don’t apologise for that,” Dan said. “Never apologise for being you. That’s what I love about you. I told you before. Any tempo or standstill with you is perfect, because I get to be right next to you.”

Phil wanted to cry again. He had always associated tears with sadness but right now he felt like he finally understood the meaning of tears of joy.

“I’m going to kiss you now,” Phil said, breath already exhaled onto Dan’s lips.

“And I’m going to kiss you,” Dan said and they both tilted forward.

It was their first kiss without an audience. They were in their own little bubble, just the two of them. Everything felt new and exciting, but more than anything else, Phil felt like he could glimpse into the future when he kissed Dan.

He could see their future with each other, side by side. They didn’t need to care what anyone else thought of them. It was them against the world.

Phil Lester wrote five love letters to five different people when he was a teenager. But his most important love confession had been spoken softly in an empty music room at the piano to the one person who actually made him fall in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Reblog on tumblr](https://secretlywritingstories.tumblr.com/post/625452159658590208/to-all-the-people-ive-loved-before-and-the-one) (thank you if you do! <3)
> 
> And so we have come to an end of this story. It became longer than intended, as you can probably see by this 19k final chapter. I just still had a lot of things to say. I adore this story a lot and it was really fun to put my own spin on a movie I enjoyed but still found quite a few things off putting about. Now it's gayer and different and I hope you liked my version. I am particularly proud of Dan's letter - so I really hope you like it too. Thank you to all the people who have commented, I will finally have time to go over them this week. Any comments on this final chapter will also be accepted heartily.
> 
> This is the final day of PEDIA and this chapter is the longest work out of the lot. I feel like I'm ending it on a wonderful high note! (Over 289k posted during August so if you liked this fic, consider checking out my profile for more of my works). Thank you to anyone who read this story. I hope you liked it.


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